Even Worse, He Can't Read...

Email scammers come in all types.  Some smart enough to dupe lawyers, doctors, executives and professionals.

Some smart enough to dupe the everyday person.

Most, however...would be stymied by a tree stump on Jeopardy! 

Perhaps I've been contacted by a few of the first two kinds:  they were smart enough to, after reading my response (or what I did to their original mail), realize that there was nothing further to gain from repartee with me.

I keep getting a wealth of the last kind.

A great recent example is below, the opening salvo from a scammer claiming to be Ezra Nehemiah, a corpse-in-the-making and 'contrite' about it:

Dearest Beloved,
Good day to you and.How is your health and family life going? hope this mail you are also going to be reading is reaching you in good health condition, i am sorry to disturb your privacy at this moment, but i just found your email address now through my personal research from a business email list. After finished reading your profile, and i felt deeply in my heart that you are that individual that i have been looking for and so i can contact you for a blessing that you are about to recieve and also share with people that need it ,my name is Mr. Ezra Nehemiah a merchant from Dubai in the U.A.E. Living at the moment now in Capital city of Ivory Coast Yamoussoukro. I am 62 years old, never married, i have no kids, i have been living all my life alone.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer .It has defile all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts
...
Now, I did go a bit overboard on the rewrite here...it required considerable ‘editing’ from what I did to it. Even then, you get the drift that I was not terribly kind to this scammer:

From: Ezra Nehemiah To:
Sent: Saturday, August 25, 2012 2:25 PM
Subject: Bananaz

Email: Ezra Nehemiah <
ezranehemiah2000@yahoo.com>
F**k Me,

Gawddammit!!! I waked up this day and findz I gotz no bananaz!!!
F**k, f**k, F**K!!!

I am sorry to disturb your privacy at this moment, but i just found out I gotz no bananaz, and this again make me say with feeling, F**k, f**k, F**K!!!

After finished reading your profile, I feeled that you is who I can turnz to to fix my bananaz deficit. It suck having bananaz deficit. You want know how much it suckz I has no bananaz? I tell you: F**k, f**k, F**K!!!

My name is Mr. Ezra Nehemiah a merchant from Dubai in the U.A.E. Living at the moment now in Capital city of Ivory Coast Yamoussoukro. I am 62 years old, never married, i have no kids, i have been living all my life alone, and gawddammit, I gotz no bananaz!

F**k, f**k, F**K!!!

It has defile me to has no bananaz. It make me try other things that are ass insertable to sodomize myself all the time. All the time I sodomize myself with bananaz, but I now gotz no bananaz!

You know seez the problem as I haz it. You now seez why I needz bananaz.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Now, I haz no bananaz, and I cant not sodomize myself without my bananaz. After I sodomize myself with bananaz, I eat them with the peel on, because I am one really sick f**k.

Yes, I am.

So that why I contact you. I gotz no bananaz. You gotz bananaz I am telled. You getz me bananaz. You tells me you gotz bananaz at my email address above. We work out something for you to getz me the bananaz I needs to sodomize myself.

Though I am very rich, I was never Generous, I was always hostile to people and only buyz my own bananaz to sodomize all time because I is sick f**k and it the only thing I cared for. But now I needz you to get me bananaz. Gimme dem gawddamn bananaz. All time bananaz.

Gimme dat gimme dat gimme gimme dat bananaz.

Now that gawd has called me and taked away my bananaz for sodomy, I needz you to be my bananaz succor. I renounce camel religion and say to the world, f**k off, gimme dat bananaz!!!

I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on month of August. Then I startz this sh** all over again in September. Oh yes...I needz bananaz to sodomize myself with in September too.

I will wait to hear from you to know if you are capable of doing this favour for me. If you sez no, then F**k, f**k, F**K!!! you and your mama!!! I will wait for your urgent response.

Ezra Nehemiah
I really needz bananaz for sodomize me

Despite my rather crude handling of the scammer and his email, ‘Ezra’ didn’t bother with the finer points of bothering to read what I done to his email scam. Nawp...he was just thrilled that I bothered to reply to it:

　I have received your mail and I must first of all show my appreciation over the fact that you have given heed to the entreaty of a dying man, if you don't need cash by the grace of God,so you can help me distribute the funds to the poor organisations and to charity,Like I had told you in my previous mail,and again sorry to tell you call me Mr Ezra Nehemiah this is my reall name ok you can see it from my id card ok, I lived a very reckless life when it mattered most. All I thought about was my various investments; it is that same care free attitude that is going to cost me a lot now,i find it difficult to pay my bills now my bills are on pending must especially my drugs (MORPHINE) is very costly for me to even afford at the moment because my bad health has broken me down and i don't want to pass away with my treasures with held with the security company,i want you to support and assist me with your utmost heart ,so that my dreams to help and bless the society can be actualized.

As I said...I don't tend to get the 'cream of the crop' from Scamland here.  Certainly not in this case.  So I decided to try again, with a rewrite of his latest email, to see if mebbe this time, I'd get some kind of a point across:

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed, and then one day he was shootin' at some food, and up from the ground came a bubblin' sewage....sh**, ye see...running ca-ca...fecal stuff...

I have received your mail and I must first of all show my appreciation over the fact that you have completely rewrote my meaning to into something that, quite frankly, I have no f**king idea how to read.

I guess I should be happy that you wrote back, never minding what the f**k you did to my meaning, huh?

My transspecied wife, Agatha the Chimpanzee is much impressed with your bananaz rant; which I guess is good, because I didn't understand one f**king word of it.  What is sodomy?  Is that shoving sod up my ass?  That doesn't sound so good an idea.

I love drugs...especially MORPHINE, since it kills the pain I feel everytime I look in the mirror and see what I see...I sez to myself, "Ezra, you are a real dickhead!".  And I am, too.

My deer meat belonging to me is to be given to starving coyotes.  I wish you to see to that. 

My beloved i want you to know that i have pray for God to lead me to a person like you and this has show his really a God that answer prayers, at least until I read what you did to my email, you f**king asshat.

Please kindly follow my instruction here is how you are going to distribute 100 bales of dried human sh** that I saved up after a visit to my country by your potus, nobama, and his awfully overweight secretary of state.

(1).Charity for orgasm home of people dressed like vaginas (2).Charity for the people with genital piercings (3).Charity for the people living with cancerous democraps (4).Charity for the homeless vaginas wandering around Tampon, FL (5).Charity for the ugly lesbian ducks (6).Charity for the blind uteruses (7).Charity for the widows and shutters that cover them (8) charity for occupy places people, who are in need of a sh** reload.

I has a phone number and wishes have speaks with you to clarify fact that I do, in fact, buttf**k goats.  reach me at any time on +22505345836.   Or email at Ezra Nehemiah <ezranehemiah2000@yahoo.com>

I am part of your breath-taking and historic commitment towards taking a public sh** in the middle of my village, while video cameras catch the moment for a YouTube video.

I masturbate until I hear from you.

Ezra Nehemiah

THAT got me a response:

what is gods name are you to my email?  you are bad mans no more you rite me.

I simply couldn't resist responding to his question:

I'm in God's name to your email?  I'd be bad mans to rite you about bananaz.  While we on subject of God and bananaz, how did you vote in Charlotte?

I'll never know how Ezra voted in Charlotte on God, cuz he won't respond to me no more.