Law 'un Ordah

It got started on faceBook. The ideer, that is.

One of my friends made a comment about zombies; I responded about "wiring a shotgun inside my door to defend against intrusions of the zombie kind". A friend of the friend suggested that my ideer was a bad one, citing legal precedent. The first friend suggested that it'd be hard to prosecute for killing the undead.

*TOING* It went downhill from there.

One of the few shows on TV that I actually like is Law & Order (TOS). Asst DA Jack McCoy always managed to have a babe as his assistant; Angie Harmon could prosecute me, anytime. But I digress.

So...what if a zombie from NYC got loose in Ozark country...for the sake of argument, northern Arkansas. An' the zombie tried a breakage and entree therebouts. Here's how such an episode might look*:

*TWANG TWANG...looky h'yar...in th' crimnal justice systum, there is too equally impotant but diffrunt sets a folks: the poo-lice, what figgers out who-hit-John, an' them districk lawyer folk, what prosecutes the doofus. This h'yar's one of them thar stories...TWANG TWANG*

(preliminary scenes: a really dead dead zombie layin' outside of an abandoned moonshiner's cabin outside of Possum Crotch, Arkansas....property and scattergun lists to..uh..yours truly, who is tracked to my apt in Green Mountain, and extradited to Possum Crotch to stand trial for killing a daid zombie..to the bail hearing)

Baliff: Case number...uh...

Judge: Ah'm waitin', Billy-Bob...

Baliff: Ah cain' count that high...anyhoo, it's the folks vs this danged yankee, zombie slaughter in the first degree...

Judge: Wa'chall's plea h'yar?

Me: Not guilty by reason of it's a zombie...

Judge: We git that. Bale?

DaisyMae: Yore Honor, we'all reckon four bales wood git 'er dun...

Judge: Ooooh weeee, Daisy Mae, them's sum hawt short shorts...

DaisyMae: *giggles*, wahl, thank ye, Uncle Judge...

Me: Uh, wai....

Judge: Bales is set at fore...yankee, that's hay, not straw...next *gavel BONK*

Fast forward through the pre-trial negotiations, to the trial, and testimony of the local coroner:

McCoy: Doctor, what was the cause of death of the victim?

Doc: wahl, ah reckon bein' daid wuz..

McCoy: now looky h'yar...

Doc: ain't y'all nevah seed one o' them thar teen B slasher movies? Teen gits cawht an' kilt by a zombie, an' becomes a zombie, wich begits more zombies...it's a cypherin' kinda thang..

McCoy: But how did this h'yar zombie git to gettin' kilt agin?

Doc: Wahl, it ain't really kilt, lessen' we keep it's fool haid apart frum it's carcass..

McCoy: Objection!

Judge: Y'all objectin' to yer own question h'yar?

McCoy: Dagnabbit, ah reckon ah am...

Judge: Objection overruled h'yar...y'all may resume askin' 'bout yer objection..

McCoy: So what yer sayin' is...it's only daid long as y'all keep th' haid separated frum da carcass?

Doc: Yep, tha's what ah'm sayin' h'yar..

McCoy: No further questions...

Me: Move to dismiss the charges h'yar..

Judge: *gavel BONK*..objection!

Me: Overruled.

Judge: Huh?

Me: Judge, ah hears the catfish a callin' from down on the river...

Judge: So ah kin go fishin' now?

Me: Absolutely, yer Honor...

Judge: the court finds the danged yankee innocent...case dismissed...

McCoy: Horsefeathers! Ah'm gonna git the ACLU to file an appeal...

*Fifty squirrel guns is cocked and leveled at the DA by judge, jury, spectators*

McCoy: ah withdraws mah appeal h'yar...

Obviously, I'm having an off-writing day. More obviously, y'all ain't gonna see this episode on L&O (TOS), or in any Ozark spin-off, ah reckon...unless DaisyMae (played most admirably by Angie Harmon) comes to court in her short shorts...

* a rumor's about that this episode may be why Dick Wolf ended the series...