Ask Skunk -- Valentineski Datebot

I can tell it's Valentine's Day. My email runneth over.

With spam, sex and alleged cyberdating bots.

One account in particular is proving amusingly persistent, but never with the same name or pitch; just the same link that I won't click on, ending in edatingiseasy.ru. The spammer/scammer(s) didn't reply to my previous response (though it might have been on accounta cuz I suggested she lacked a vagina); instead, I've received several new responses from allegedly different persons of questionable gendercedence.

The sending email address is always charlandsanders@gmail.com, but it's never the same alleged chick.

I suppose that fingers could be included in the good lickin', but I digress.

So I have decided to adopt the role of sexual email advisor to this person(s), until they give up or can do a bookski on my responses.

Here's one of the longer ones that I received from this email, on the eve of Valentine's Day; you be the judge:

Title: A Big Girl Looking To Romance

I am Steffanie, im a 23 year old single mother who is in school full time and work part time. Im 5'9" a little thick with brown hair to the middle of my butt and dark brown eye. I move back to Northern Virgina last year so that I could get a little support with my daughter. I look for a guy between the 24-50. i dont really have a type of guy but i look for guys with genuine personalities *TOING*. I want someone that can crank joke and play video with me, but i want also the guy to want to wander around a mall and talk to kill time *TOING*. i want guy that stable on his feet, i dont care where you live but i appreciate you be all together emotional *TOING*.

Skunk asked, Skunk answered:

Dear Steffanie: okay, you answered one key question, in so far as can be proved via email: you have a vagina. It worked at least once. But you have wasted your time with this email. You want, it is obvious in reading your request, a schizophrenic. I'm not, and neither am I. Not to mention, I am past your requested expiration date. *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZER* But thanks for writing. At least YOU had a working vagina at one time.

Prior to her, I got this from 'Merideth':

i relly want a man that has a very creative side in the bedroom and a high sex drive for some kindy hot action of sex. i dont care where you live but i want you to be nice and well manner and know how to treat me the lady.

Heh:

Dear Merideth: I have four sides: front, back, left and right. Which one is kindy -- your words -- I am not sure. But in order for us to find out, you must have a working vagina. If you are an Ivan instead of a Merideth, we ain't gonna find this out. Get back to me on which you is or which you ain't.

She didn't, unless she responded as 'Steffanie'. But prior to Merideth, I got this from 'Clare':

i know what u want and i got what u need. u write me and i tell u how u get what i got.

Dear Clare: I don't need your silicon nose implant. You need to have original stock parts, no factory add-ons. I'm sorry, but your friend Steffanie said you also had lyposuction from your stomach, transferred to your thighs, so you could try out for a Taco Bell commercial. As the bell. Clare, the Superbowl is over, and there's no call for new and funny ads until next February. Get back to me then.

And previous to 'Clare', I got this tart email from 'Myrtis':

so you think u hot? well i am the one to judge how hot u is. can u impress me? write me more to say so and we see.

Dear Praying Myrtis, personally, I'm hot as an asteroid in deep space. I could get hotter if I enter your atmosphere. See what I just did there? I'll bet not. At any rate, why would I be interested in providing hotness to someone named after an insect? You'd fry and get all dried out and deformed at my approach. I think you need to go back to chasing walking sticks in the grass. Just sayin'.

Yeah, you're right: I got me no date for Valentine's Day. But and perhaps...edatingiseasy.ru will keep trying. They might actually get serious at some point.

*snerx*