Of Corpse It Is

All it took was for me to receive a very stupid scam email.

The rest was easy.

Here's the stupid scam email, in its stupid entirety:

Title: DID YOU AYTHORISE THIS MAN

From: Magret Savimbi (magretsavimbi@investigation.com)

EMS/Speedpost Corporate HQ

8, Mobolaji Bank Anthony Way, PMB 022, Ikeja, Lagos, Nigeria

Re: Delivery Of Package STC ATM card:

This is to infarm you that one Mr. John and lawyer stormed my office this afternoon via comprehensive email with coyp of DEAD CERTIFICATE and CHANGE THE OWNERSHEP attach, therebye notify us that you are dead and that before you death, you appointed both them as your Next-of-Ken to your approve sum of $5.5 million uploaded on your ATM card presently under our custody and demanded that ATM card should be release to them ready to pay for deliver cost. BUT when the note is submit to my desk of Release Ordor to these mens, i noticed some discrapendy as there is no evidence of you dead or authorised by you of release of ATM card. i am then issue an order of STOP on the shipment of you ATM card whether delivery charge pay or not pending your commentary on if you are dead and you okay this. Please get back to me immediately to consent to agree to what they report or not. Failure of you to advise if you dead within 48 hours will mean we will accept the men's claim and will give ATM card to Mr. Mr. John and attorney.

Await you reply soonest,

Mrs. Magret Savimbi, International Shipping Manger

The *TOING* that resonated from my reading the first sentence, caused all the dogs within two blocks to start barking. My apologies to any day sleepers out there.

I checked, and found that one of my earlier-used scambaiting personas -- the very dead Jerome 'Curly' Howard, of The Three Stooges fame -- didn't have any appointments booked, and woo-woo-woould be happy to dig up a suitable reply:

Mrs. Savimbi:

Thanks for waking me up. More on that in a mo'.

To bidness: yes, I okayed these individuals to take effective charge of all of my accounts, real or imagined, in my will. Mr. Mr. John is, in full, Mr. Mr. John Excrement; his attorney is the esteemed Bannister Hosni Mubarak, current PC and former tyrant president of Egypt. I would like you to know that I did not order them to storm your office via email -- I cannot imagine how they pulled that off, but you know how technology is advancing these days -- but the gist of their claim is jurisprudently ad hoc conundrum. In other words, it's perfectly chicanerous and I am in accord with that. Granted, I am dead -- have been for 57 years -- but before their tribe shrank my head and ate my liver and other parts, I did sign over to them fiduciary authorization to access my accounts that survived me. It surprises me that it took them this long. Guess they didn't know what money was. Hope they're still not confusing it with toilet paper. You guys only made the transition from using tree bark a couple years ago, I know.

Besides, I have no practical use for a physical realm ATM card. My bank -- First Astral Savings & Loan -- cannot negotiate the astral bridge interdimensionally, to acccess funds from a physical realm ATM card. It so blows goats, but hey, physics is what it is, wherever physics is. Which is everywhere.

But I do thank you so much for waking my slumbering ass up, and making me dig myself out at this hour, to respond to your pithy request. But I'm not mad, of corpse; pay no attention to the African Death Mask I attached to this email, cursing your family for the next several generations, for disturbing the dead with such a stupid email (I attached a photo of said item, just for snorts and guffaws).

Drop me a line again, and a 6' tarantula will eat your vagina.

Sweet dreams,

Curly Howard

4334 Whittier Blvd (the actual address of the cemetery where he's buried)

Los Angeles CA 90023

Later that same day, I get this reply from whomever is pretending to be Mrs. Savimbi:

that not funny. you speak ill of dead is not funny. you are bad person.

Yes, I am:

Hey, you writ me foist, wise goil. And that 6' tarantula, coming to eat your vagina, will be joined by a colony of army ants. Hope you have enough left to go around. Booga booga, nyuk nyuk.

Danged if that didn't end the interruptions to Curly's eternal slumber...until the next stupid email scam letter ;-)