Hands, Cheeks...And Timing

*Another of the 'Now I Can' series from a former work place*

When you work in a place where there are regular shifts that don't rotate, you generally tend to work with the same persons. In my surveillance days, I worked just about every schedule the room had. But I must say, the most workplace 'fun' I had was during the time I worked afternoons and evenings with the duo of 'Wanda' and 'Robert'.

When fecal material was hitting the ventilation, we were a well-oiled machine, and each generally knew what the other was going to do, which made for well-organized chaos. But it was always chaos that we never came out on the butt end of.

Well, except for once...literally.

When things were in that 'calm before the chaos' mode, it wasn't unusual for idle chatter to fill the time between radio traffic and telephone calls. Any subject was up for improvisational discussion. It frequently didn't have to be something necessarily work-related.

But some of the best moments were sparked by things on the work front.

For a period of time, the female cocktail waitresses at work wore rather revealing chaps as a part of their uniform. Some, as can be imagined, wore them better than others. Some wore them MUCH BETTER than others. And over the years, the casino ran the gamut of examples, from the 10 out of 10 rated *jaw droppers*, to the *OMG..WTF was the recruiter smokin' when they hired this one..BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*.

In the good ol' days, we had our share of *jaw droppers*.

One evening, when the level of paperwork havoc was pleasingly light, 'Wanda' suddenly ventured off into a discussion about how hard it was to identify some cross-dressers, in the wake of talking about a story on the news the previous evening, about how a Denver cabbie was duped by a man, dressed like a woman, and claiming to be a niece of the greek Onassis family. While I made snide comments about "junk bulge and five o'clock shadow tip-offs", 'Robert' didn't contribute much initially, as he continued to casually scan the casino floor. Then, he suddenly acted all excited, and directed our collective attention to the cocktail server station at the upstairs bar, and one very statuesque, 6' tall cocktail waitress in particular:

Robert: "Look at those hands".
Me: "Whaddabout 'em?"
Wanda: "Huh?"
Robert: "Look at them (as he zooms in on her hands)!"
Me: "Yeah, so?"
Robert: "Those are MAN hands!"
Wanda: "Oh, nuh-uh!"

As 'Robert' continues to insist that this cocktail waitress has "man hands", both he and I note that this line of thinking is starting to tweak 'Wanda' a bit. So while I'm not necessarily buying his obvious gambit, I'm start to act like I'm beginning to see what 'Robert' is seeing:

Wanda: "There is NO WAY that ****** is a man! Get real!"
Robert: "Oh come ON, 'Wanda'! LOOK AT THOSE HANDS! Those are GORILLA HANDS! Man hands, no doubt!"
Me: *as serious as I can fake* "Well, y'know, I never really thought that, but now that you mention it..."
Wanda: "Oh for crying out loud you two.."
Robert: "Well, YOU'RE the one who says how hard it is to tell cross-dressers...I'm tellin' ya, look at those hands.."
Me: "Hmmm, I dunno, 'Wanda'...I'm thinkin' that 'Robert' stumbled onto something h'yar.."
Robert: "Yep! ****** is a man, and those hands prove it..."

After a couple more minutes of this, 'Wanda' gets totally exasperated, and as the waitress is walking away from the bar with a tray full of drinks, 'Wanda' takes the same zoom-capable camera away from 'Robert', and zooms it in on....her butt (from we guy's point of view, nicely enhanced by the chaps):

Wanda: "SEE?? SEE?? IS THAT A MAN'S BUTT? NO!!! THAT IS NOT A MAN'S BUTT!!!"

*Telephone rings before either 'Robert' or I can respond...I answer it*

Me: "Surveillance, (my name)"
Duty Security Shift Supervisor: "Quit zooming in on ******'s butt!"

(Note: the Security/Surveillance manager had a surveillance monitor and full-access key board in his office in those days, and the duty security shift supervisors had access to it; this supervisor liked to 'check up on Surveillance' from time to time, to see what we were doing, and the conservation continues)

Me: "Isn't me, boss..."
DSSS: "Well, then tell 'Robert' to knock it off..."
Me: "Isn't him either..." (Note: neither 'Robert' or 'Wanda' know what the call is in reference to, yet)
DSSS: "Who else is up there???"
Me: *handing the phone to Wanda* "Here, it's for you..."
Wanda: "This is 'Wanda'...."

Followed by about 20 seconds or so of 'Wanda' alternating between attempts to explain why she had zoomed a camera in on ******'s butt, and the DSSS taking full advantage of a 'gotcha moment' he'd use for all it was worth, for future tweaking.

*Wanda hangs up phone in obvious annoyance*

Wanda: *glaring*.."I cannot BELIEVE THIS...are you two HAPPY NOW?"
Robert & Me, grinning/laughing: "Uh...yeah".
Robert: "Oh, Wanda?"
Wanda: *in a threatening tone*.."What..."
Robert: "That was definitely a woman's butt..."
Wanda: *still annoyed*.."Robert..."
Robert: "..with man-like hands.."

I *duck* as an empty styofoam coffee cup goes sailing over my head, and *bonks* off of 'Robert'.
In time, 'Wanda' found the whole episode funny, too. 'Robert' and I managed to survive finding it thus from the outset...