Ruh-Roh II -- Redneck Repartee

In Part I, Abdul Hamza was shown to have sent
an almost perfect scam letter to yours truly, in the
guise of Jack N. Ewehoff.


And Jack was all ready and willing to 'fall' for it. Provided, of course, that Abdul could get past the verbiage of reply:

H'idy! Ah shore wuz sooprized that thar emale y'all had deelivrd h'yar. Yassir...ah wuz sooprized. An' youre asshorences righ' offen th' top...ah sez to mahsef, "thas' a righ' nice feller thar", I sez.

Shore did.

$22.3 millyun dollurs, y'all sez? An' fer heppin' y'all out, ah gits 30 purscent of that thar? Merrrcy sakes, ah cain' even cyphur how mooch that thar iz, ceptin' it's a fur piece a change! More than ah got fer dowry on mah daughter's weddin'. Mah daughter iz Beulah...wadn't mooch fer looks, but she's kin, an' the feller she up 'n got hitched wid..wahl, he tain't mooch fur looks, neither. Ah reckon ah'm gonna git ugly grankids, but ah'm degressin' h'yar.

Looky h'yar Mr. Abdull, ah iz righ flattered tha' y'all think so well of mahsef -- a feller y'all ain't never seed afore -- tha' ah wanted ta reeturn th' faver, an' thank ye proper. So ah dun sended a emale to yore bossman, an' it sez "looky h'yar, thas' one fart smeller y'all gots runnin' yore bank in that Burlap Fatso place. Y'know, th' town therebouts thas pronowst like a hawg clearin' its sinuses. Ah jest wanna sez to y'all that iffen this feller is reprehensive of the kind of fellers y'all iz, ah reckon y'all gots a top-notch bidness thar.

Frum mah humbal abode h'yar in rural Cowflop, ah sez thank ye kindly.

Saidserely,
Jack N. Ewehoff

Mr. Hamza had a problem reading that reply. I knowd it 'cuz this h'yar is wha' he sent back:

what maner of speech is this? i cannot read this. please to write english.

Axcus' h'yar, Mr. Abdull...y'all makin' fun of mah grammer h'yar? Dawggonit, an' ah thought we wuz frends er such. Ah tell yew wha', feller...y'all go awn makin' fun o' my spelin' h'yar, an' ah'll open a can o' whupass on yer lawng-earred galoot sef, ah will. Ah reckon ah speech Englich h'yar bettur than yo' mama!

i cannot read what you say. call me +226 76 61 26 98 for discuss this more.

Wha' in tarnation iz wrawng wid yer fones over yawnder, feller? Ever'tahm ah trys ta dial that thar numbur, ah gits this h'yar female voice what sez "Yore call cannot be cumpletd az dialed, sugah. Please check the numbah an' try agin'". Iffen y'all wanna has a chatfest, y'all kin cawl mah numbah (which I decided to give him; yes, I know I ain't supposed to do that, but a little excitement in life is gud now an' agin).

Knowing a call was imminent (my character would have slaughtered that word), I immediately changed my phone's voice message to several of my favorite Three Stooges sound bytes in succession.

And shore 'nuff, about 10 minutes later, the phone rang...and rang...and rang...and rang...and then the voice message took over (in the order of sound bytes):

The Three Stooges: "Hellooo...Helloooo...Helloooooo...hello, hello?"
Curly: "Nyuk nyuk nyuk *BONK* Ow!
Curly: "See that *bonk* OW!"
Curly: "Oh look! You bent the chisel...(Moe)..I'll straighten that...(Curly) Nyuk nyuk nyuk *BWANG* OW!"
Moe: "What kinda nonsense is this?"

As comes as no surprise to me, no message was left.

About 30 minutes later, I checked email and shore 'nuff, what would turn out to be one last salvo from Mr. Hamza:

you not serious you make joke at me. f**k off and not to me write.

But wunst agin, ah gots ta:

Aw c'mawn, feller. Ain't life serous 'nuff h'yar widdout sum jest 'n funnin'? Ah reckoned y'all liked tawlkin' to mah frends next doar, Moe, Larry 'n Curly. Theyz a hoot, 'specally when theyz sober.

Now, quit yer fussin' an' git to th' rat killin' of yore deel h'yar. An' try knot ta use a satchel charge on da rats.

But ol' Abdul would have no more of Jack. Especially since every spam email Jack received in the three days since, has been forwarded to Abdul's email. Though perhaps he should thank Jack for sending him such useful emails as how to get cheap Viagra, sue for Avantia use, have chat with young lovelies stripping on their webcams, get his share of Gulf oil spill damages, find a lawyer, go to culinary school, get dates on My Life, become a cop, firefighter or turkey inseminator...