Waits and Measures

Pounds vs lbs. Wait vs weight. Understanding not required. Or desired.

This is what scammers hope for. And when playing widdem, me too.

Of my two most recent scambaits, one -- another investment with fringe benefits promised by the scammer -- is ongoing. But not this one.

For Chevron-TAXACO and their representative, Bryan Martins, understanding came sooner.

It started simply enough, with this unsolicited, untargeted email:

From: CHEVRON-TAXACO PLC Donation

Subj: Contact

Dear Beneficary

To celebrate this year of our 2010 anniversary pogrom (an appropo typo nowadays, eh?), Chevron Oils Plc International has given you a competsaion of $980,000 USD as a competsaion for environmental hazards caused by our Products, we hope this donation will be used well (did he just pun me?) not only for you but for your communty. This competsaion would be issued you in form of an international casher's check can be withdraw only by yourself anyware in the world. Please fill out the names and informatons below.

It went on to ask for my name, age, address, occupation, sex, phone number....and was signed by a Nicholas Miller, on behalf of Chevron CEO David J. O'Reilly.

Nice.

Since Jack N. Ewehoff was already off the shelf and in a dust-up with another online scammer, I thought it fitting to unleash his unrusted enthusiasm hereon:

NO SH**????????????????? KEWL!!!! My info-f***ing-mation is filled out. Show me da MONEY!

The response from Mr. Nicholas Miller was simple and as badly spelled as the first (note to Chevron CEO David O'Reilly: your hR recruiters are slacking, dude...or your MIS folks are buying a cheaper spellchecker), and it referred me to Chevron-Taxaco's financial wiz, Mr. Bryan Martins, in London, UK. Whom I immediate co-replied to thus:

This is fan-f***ing-tastic! I am responding to you AND Mr. Martians, so as to save time. I shall await his instwuction on receiving my just due as soon as bloody possible!

What I got back from Mr. Bryan Martins, allegedly of the FINANCE DEPARTMENT UK HM TREASURY BOARD (what happened to Chevron-Taxaco?), was a long, rambling reply, which told me how to "clam" my cheque -- AFTER I paid the shipping fee in UK British pounds.

*TOING*

I decided right then to have Jack have an 'understanding disconnect' on "pounds", and responded thus:

My favorite Martians: I am not familiar with the denomination of payment. What is this you mean?

While awaiting Byrunt Martians (as I began calling him) answer to that, I got a "have you contacted Mr. Martins?" email from Nikolas (not Nicholas anymore) Miller, to which I replied

Nikky, butt out. I'm talkin' to him already. Yer clutterin' up the email here. Go plug a leaking oil well somewhere. You know with what.

Nick got a little butt-hurt over that, but sucked it up to respond:

i not undersand your tone of reply. i just make sure things go ok.

Meantime, it took Byrunt Martians (my name fer 'em) a couple-three days to reply to me, but finally he did:

Dear Jack, sorry for late repy , its do to emergence metting i had to handle. regards your queston the currency is Great British Pound.

*Game on*:

Byrunt, "Great British Pound"? Dang...never heard of those. Does it have to do with wayward dogs? Or does it mean something in US dollars? Is it the same?

Jack, 650 pounds is same as 942 USD.

Wow. That much? Maybe I should send you the pounds, 'cuz they're cheaper?

My favorite Martians ignores the last, and sends me wiring instructions for the fee, telling me to send it thus:

Here come payment informaton bellow:

Recever: Bryan Martins

Amount: 650 pounds

Address: 1 Horse Guards Road

London, SW1A 2HQ, UK

Mode of payment: WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER

Here we go:

Mr. Martians, please to clarify this: I make the payment in pounds, cuz it's cheaper than in US dollars (by almost 300). BUT...does Western Onion charge extra for transfer by weight? I mean, 650 pounds is a lot. How much will it cost me to send that much weight to your one whore guard place in London?

Jack, i dont now how much it cost you over in America, but i is not think it cost much, just go to any western union locaton near you and make sure you do this soonest, time is not on our side.

Time's not on our side? Dang. Whose side is it on?

Jack, you wast time here. Go to Western union soonest and wire the 650 pounds. i cant not sent you check until you do this.

Whatever. So Western Onion can send 650 pounds cheaper than UPS would? Kewl. I will look into that next week.

I do nothing thru the weekend, but on Sunday evening, I have this awaiting me:

Jack, has you send the money yet? i am wait for the tracking code to be done on this because you cant not get check until payment is made. soonest plese.

Martian: I am going to go over to my nearby Western Onion to see how much they'll charge me to wire 650 pounds. I hope their wires are stout.

jack, i must say to you this take to long. you must soonest complet wire transfer to present your check from being ladled unclaimed. have you send money?

I return from Western Onion most cornfused, Martians. They tell me that I cannot send 650 pounds of ANYTHING via wire transfer. In fact, they laughed at me and threw me out! What kind of crap is this? Is there a different unit of measure we can use to get past this problem?

jack, yor reply is well read and receive. if they cannot send in pounds all you need do is send eqivalent in dollars that is they will have to convert it. you try sort that out soonest ok?

Now I have to SORT pounds? Sh**, Martians, this is getting to be too much like real WORK! I told you I didn't want to use dollars, 'cuz it cost me more than your pound stuff by 300. Now, I talk to UPS, and they tell me it cost me $5,000 to ship 650 pounds internationally, and I need a really BIG box. Can you receive a really BIG box?

Mr. "Martians" is getting frustrated, to the point that he tried calling me on the phone...except the number I gave him for Jack is a known-to-be unused fax number. That draws this reply:

i tried call you now three time but no respond. regard you corresponding mail the content is well noted which i had to call for a meeting. i wonder why western union in America cannot send 650 pounds to the UK. I advice you go to another western union and pay the dollars but as a result of meeting you have an alternate by paying 650 pounds in dollars via MoneyGram with same payment informaton. Do so now.

Martians, I am not much enlightened after visiting a MoneyGram location. I am rather cornfused by the talk of pounds and metrics, and this person spoke to me as if I was cornfusing weights and measures versus denominations, when I never brought up a mention of religious affiliations at all. I will try to get this sorted out but the bottom line hasn't been written yet, and I digress. Meantime, it is extremely pricey to send 650 pounds of anything internationally; and both MoneyGram and Western Onion say they can't send stuff by the pound. Ideas?

jack, well i must say to you i am not happy with the way things go presently i must tell you that i am doing all my best here to make sure your fund is confirm by you. i speak with directors today and they telled me you go to MONEYGRAM so that our goal can be acheved soonest. Make the payment and send me the scam (a very revealing typo, eh?) copy, i must inform you that my directors want talk to you on phone but you number is unclear and we cant not reach you. you must move on this now.

Okay, I will try MoneyGram, tho' I am not sure they know how to send so many pounds any better than Western Onion did. Are you SURE that UPS wouldn't be better? It'll only cost $5,000 to ship 650 pounds internationally. I can send this collect. Otherwise, I will try MoneyGram and send you the scam copy, no problem.

Martians is getting both confused AND exasperated, it seems:

i am not undersand what u have sad in eamal. are u serous to deal? why are u said pounds is a weigh? are u make fun hear? plese make soonest the payment as instruct becaus time is run out for deal. u must act soonest and send 650 pounds of uk currency it is money not weigh! no more of this stuff u say now.

I just lurve how their spelling and diction -- never particularly great to start with -- goes to ovulated bat guano, when they get off script and twitterpated. But hey, even I can appreciate the gas spasms I might be causing this poor sot. So let's cut him and his a break...of sorts:

Well, dang it, Martians! Why in the platypus sh** didn't you 'splain it to me like that the first time? Here I've been frettin' about sending 650 pounds as in lbs, and you meant something 'tirely different. See what bein' clear and concise will get ya, ya dork?

Some peoples' ungrowd-up kids...

Okay...so, you want me to send you 650 pounds of British money! It's MONEY! Cricket crap, I kin do that! I'll git 'er done just soon as the weekend's over.

And when the weekend ended, I dun did just that: I emailed Byrunt Martians 650 pounds of British money, just like he asked....in the form of two pictures I picked up online of various forms of Brit currency and coin. Whether it amounted to 650 pounds, eh...I sent him pounds. And said it thus:

Okay, Martians, the "weight" is over (see what I just did there?). I have sent you 650 pounds of British money. AND...I have done it cheaper than UPS, Western Onion, or Money Gram would have done: I enclosed it here. Print it on a good quality color copier, and pay the fees so you can ship my nice big cheque via the information I already provided you. You're a good man, Martians.

Uh, I think I dun lost my Chevron-Taxaco cheque for 980,000 USD, based on Martian's apparent last reply:

u wast my time u ashole dont not write me mor.

Give someone what they deserve, and do you get an iota of thanks? Phffft. ;-)