Saturday, July 19, 2008

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress V


A general observation of mine, gleaned over six years of dealing with a couple hundred or so of these scamster/ettes, is that their initial pleadings are pretty well written grammatically, the quality of which erodes over extended communication.

Can you say 'scripted'?

But Mary Walker, Nigerian Scamstress...represents a grammatical departure from the norm: at the bottom of the literal barrel from the outset, and trying to dig through the bottom of the barrel to find a lower uncommon denominator with each reply.

Her latest reply is the epitome (or just pity me trying to read it) in gibberish:

Dear Dr Phulovit
Am so sorry i when to the horspital that was while i did not get to you since. i have made up my mine to give and to invest with your care am a woman of my words that can not change (nonsense; women change their minds all the time) but i allway tell you that you should not betrad the trust becase this is my last hope in life (imagine the violin piece from Young Frankenstein, playing in the background...*sigh*)

I told my lieyar about your confidentalty of not given us your telphone number for the secresy of this transaxtion . he told me that you are good for one (her lieyar listens to Toby Keith?) do deal with but untill he get reach to you. he further told me that he will advice me if i need topmost secresy i will like him as my lieyar (hell, I like him as her lieyar, too) with my partner to meet in country where this fund is bank then you will open account on your name or your company name so that this money will be pay into your new account you open the you advice the bank to forther credit the money to you original account in you country the both of you will travel to meet till i finally meet with you people there for the investmet pupose and disbusement (she's killing me..hahahahahaha!) of the fund to your country before i will meet with you people. so that the money will be debat from your acount and credit to you account . This will save topmost secresy on this transaction.

I hope is suggeston make good point.

Uh...yeah. What she said.

Thus understood -- I think -- here is the reply I carefully crafted to suggest I grasp each and every point like a flopping carp:

Ma'am: yes, this -- your explanation -- is both concise and noteworthy for brevity and clarity of your pupose to give me the business. It also exudes the level of sincerity one can't help but grasp underlines your intentions. It is well that this is so. I am gratified to know that you are as transparent in this as you're being.

Now to business: give your chosen lieyar my email address, and have him make contact with me soonly so he can tell me exactly, in his version of legalese, what it is he requires of me. In this way, I can give him what he needs to further this exercise and bring a logical conclusion that you will find makes sense from otherwise. Since it is, as you have said and reinterated, your last hope in life, his expedited attention to this is hopalong giddyup (an amusing local phrase, meaning a manure of topmost secresy priority).

I shall, with bated breath (not anchovy) await his precise and complete instructions, and move with alacrity and a spellchecker to see to their just and deserving execution.

Dr. U. R. Phulovit

Hopefully, in Part VI: The Lieyar Speaks

6 Comments:

Blogger Karen said...

She is getting frustrated, her gramar is worsening. My English teacher would have a nervous breakdown reading this! LOL

I can hardly wait to hear what the lieyar says.

Thank you so much for sharing these letters, they are a hoot!

18 January, 2006 13:37  
Blogger FTS said...

Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen, for the thrilling conclusion to "And Lieyer Makes Treacle."

18 January, 2006 13:52  
Blogger Herb said...

Oh boy! Is this gonna be great!

19 January, 2006 03:54  
Anonymous TSB said...

You are killing me with this....

19 January, 2006 07:16  
Blogger Little Lamb said...

I received a an email inviting me to stand in as the next of kin. I haven't opened it yet. It's still in my spam box.

19 July, 2008 04:05  
Blogger Debbie said...

You say "brevity and clarity", ha. That's a good one.

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

20 July, 2008 11:06  

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