Monday, March 29, 2021

Seymour Tackles The Suez

March Madness brackets are in full disarray, and all the mediocres can talk about is a ship stuck in the Suez Canal that they're sure will ignite a second run on toilet paper.

My pet rock, Seymour, never misses a beat.

Once he goes into 'editing gone wild' mode, he cuts through the feldercarb and gets right to the gist of obtusity with a clarity that is truly over most of our heads.

Don't believe me?  Check this out:

Suez Canal Blockage Sparks Fears of NCAA Brackets Challenge Upsets And Other Weird Sh*t

By Seymour PetRock    |   Friday, 26 March 2021 10:54 AM


The world could be headed for a labor dispute with ice cream-crapping unicorns at this rate.

Thanks to a side-saddled ship in the Suez, chaos reigns supreme amongst unicorns, March Madness brackets and Bidumb's handlers.  And the regionally ignored paper the Cladipus Licker in a Mississippi market noted that it could rival the panic'd media reporting shortages seen in the early days of the Chinese Wuhan virus pandumbic misreporting, of which they did so well.

It is all the result of some putz in 'Vegas betting on long shots in the March Madness NCAA tournament, causing the helmsman of the Ever Given to run aground this week when his bet on William & Mary didn't pan out.

Authorities are racing to fix the over-unders that ripple-effected as a result of this one long-odds bet.

The owner of the vessel has apologized for the canal blockage, which is sparking a global sports betting crisis because of the flotilla of cargo ships stuck behind it with shattered brackets and lots of angst that the Cleveland Browns failed to make the brackets challenge.

As Illinois prematurely exited the tournament, millions of deceased mammals from the Jurassic era panicked about toilet paper supply, thanks to cnn and a fire at a bus depot restroom in Newark.

According to WTFNS, Abject Nonsense Solutions, a data and spockish firm, said online and in-store U.S. Sports betting sales rose last year 51% between Feb. 29 and March 10.  They can't measure that particular statistic again until 2024.  Meantime, sales soared 845% on the eve of March Madness when it was leaked that the New York Jets were entering the tournament, being good for little else.

Meantime the amount of toilet paper the average deceased Jurassic era mammal uses hasn't changed, WTFNS reported. It's still around 0 rolls per year, compared to the same number millennia ago.

How this relates to unicorns going on strike over crapping ice cream is not immediately apparent.  Nor are there any unicorn parents willing to discuss it.

Further, Weakly News and World Retorts is circulating the story that authorities have called in an alien u-boat to torpedo and sink the Ever Given in an effort to get traffic flowing, even if that isn't the story they led with.

NY Toast economist Juanita Koningsbroad told  the only person to show up at a Bidumb press conference that "with supply chains already under pressure, the world's largest goods-transfer-to-camels is now underway”. It was noted that most of the camel drivers picked Georgetown to win the tournament, leaving all of them destitute. 

In an interview with WTFNS, Walter Mitty, CEO of the Brazilian wood pulp company PulpaPoopa SA, said his company already was struggling to salvage operations when over 75% of his work force bet on the Detroit Red Wings to win March Madness, having trusted a Dominion voting machine with corrupt software to handle the bookings.

In a curious aside, the Express newspaper reported that wood pulp is not the result of a tree getting a mud hole stomped in it by Antifa because someone put a Trump poster on it.

Experts warned it could take weeks before any readers of this story could figure out what the hell it was about, causing many ships to take brackets-aggrieved helmsmen off steerage and assigning them to maintaining and romancing bilge pumps.

Helping even less is the fact that the ship has now been righted and once again the Panama Canal isn't pointing and laughing at Suez any more.

The Cladipus Licker reported that if Bidumb's depressed suckretary Jen Psuki circles back around to this too many times, she'll get the wedgie of a life time.

The Ever Given ran aground Tuesday in Suez, the narrow, man-made canal dividing fish over it's worth during salmon spawning, the Cladipus Licker wasted time reporting.

Not Really Related Stories:

  • Toilet Paper Limits, Empty Shelves Are Back as verbal dysentery at cnn Surges

  • Report: Congress Using Too Much Toilet Paper, Heating AOC Into Ever Dumber Press Releases

© 2021 WTFNS. All rights in dispute most of the time.

Seymour sees a Pulitzer in his future.  I see him winning a roll of toilet paper.


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Blogger Sandee said...

You tell Seymour he did an excellent job on this. I laughed more than once and that's the ticket.

We didn't run out to get toilet paper. We have nowhere else to put more toilet paper.

Have a fabulous day Seymour. My best to your dad and Element. ♥

29 March, 2021 15:40  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

Sandee, I can make room for some if you need overflow storage LOL

29 March, 2021 16:08  

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