When "Wants To Have A Word With You" Can't Be Took Literally

When a scammer reaches you via email and asks to have a word with you, don't believe it.

Example:

Respond to me as soon as possible I want to have a word with you, Please contact me on this Gmail: qingtsien505@gmail.com 

 Fine.  I'm good with having a word with y'all.  Which word did you have in mind?  You start.

That opened the literary floodgates:

Dear Friend,

Thank you for giving me your time, let me start by introducing myself, I am Mrs. Tsien Qing a staff of OCBC WING HANG BANK. here in Hong Kong as Co-Head of its Financial Services Department, I am contacting you concerning a customer and an investment placed under our bank's management; as a matter of fact, it was 7 years ago. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail private and also kindly respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this email.

 

I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication; I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. it is

of great importance for you to take care and understand every word which I have written down below; please be patient and read the explanation in my email.

 

In 2014, the subject matter; Ref: LB/TSB/958/042/0511 came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our Private Banking Services Department. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of ( €23,780,426 Euros) Twenty-three million, seven hundred and eighty thousand, four hundred and twenty-six euros, which he wished to have us turn over (invest) on his behalf. I was the

the officer assigned to his case; I made numerous suggestions in line with my duties as the DE-factor chief operations officer of the Private Banking Services Department, especially given the volume of

funds he wished to put into our bank.

 

A few months later his attention was needed regarding a business which I was going to discuss with him but I was unable to reach him, I made futile efforts to locate him I immediately passed the task of locating him to the internal investigations department of our bank. Four days later, information started to trickle in, that he was apparently dead, a person who suited his description was declared dead of a heart attack in Cannes, South of France; we were soon enough able to gather more information and the cause of death was confirmed. The bank immediately launched an investigation into possible surviving next of kin to alert them about the situation and also to come forward to claim his funds. If you are familiar with private banking affairs, those who patronize our services usually prefer anonymity, but also some levels of detachment from conventional processes. In his bio-data form, he listed no next of kin. In the field of private banking, opening an account with us means no one will know of its existence, accounts are rarely held under a name; depositors use numbers and codes to make the accounts anonymous. This bank also gives the choice to depositors of having their mail sent to them or held at the bank itself, ensuring that there are no traces of the account and as I said, rarely do they nominate next of kin.

Private banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin also usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this case; he died Intestate. There are ( €23,780,426 Euros) Twenty-three

million, seven hundred and eighty thousand, four hundred and twenty-six euros deposited, I alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one unless I instruct them to do so. Also, I alone know of the existence of this deposit for as far as the finance firm is concerned, the transaction with our deceased customer concluded when I sent the funds to the firm, all outstanding interactions in relation to the file are just customer services and due process. The finance firm has no single idea of what's the history or nature of the deposit, they are simply awaiting instructions to release the deposit to any party that comes forward, and this is the situation. This bank has spent great amounts of money trying to track the family of the deceased; they have investigated for months and have found no family but however, the investigation has officially come to an end.

 

My proposal; I am prepared to place you in a position whereby an instruction is given to the finance firm to officially release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation/associate, and all etiquette shall be done in accordance with the rule of law, I certainly can guarantee you that. By the common law, the power of bequeathing is coeval with the first rudiments of the law. There

is no ruling which prevents inheritance from being so exhausted by legacies as to render it unworthy of theirs's acceptance; perfect operation whereby the paperwork shall be coordinated in such a

the way that your status as a sole beneficiary is confirmed.

Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you in half and no more; that is: I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you;

afterward, we share the proceeds 50/50.

 

I would have gone ahead to ask the funds be released to me, but that would have drawn a straight line to me and my involvement in claiming the deposit, but on the other hand, you as an indifferent foreigner would easily pass as the beneficiary with the rights to claim, I assure you that I could have the deposit released to you in a few days. I will simply inform our bank of the final closing of the file relating to the customer, I will then officially communicate with the finance company and instruct them to release the deposit to you; with these two things: all is done. The alternative would be for us to have the firm direct the funds to another bank with you as account holder but the bank must have the same telex type as our bank here in Hong Kong, this way there will be no need for you to think of receiving the money from the firm. We can fine-tune this based on our interactions, I am aware of the consequences of this proposal and I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should disregard this mail. I ask also, that you do not be vindictive or destructive if my offer is of no appeal to you,  delete this message and forget I ever contacted you; please do not destroy my career because this transaction is a lifetime opportunity. You may not know this but people like me who have made tidy sums out of comparable situations run the whole private banking sector, I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find

against good conscience, this may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this move. Such opportunities only come ones' way once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by and I hope you understand because for once I found myself in total control and face to face with my destiny.

 

These changes won't pass me by, I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me please let me know, and hence move on with my life, but do not destroy me; I am a family woman and this is an occasion to provide them with new opportunities. There is a reward for this project and it is a task well worth undertaking, I have evaluated the risks, and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to work with me and alerting my bank; I am the only one who knows of this situation, good fortune will bless you and plant you into the center of relevance in my life, let’s share the blessing. If you find yourself interested to work with me, please contact me specifically, if you give me positive signals, I will initiate this process towards a quick conclusion. It is

necessary to inform you that under no condition should you contact me via official channels; I will simply deny knowing you and about this project.

I repeat I do not want you contacting me through our official lines neither do I want you contacting me through my official email account. I do not want any direct link between you and me. My official lines are not secure lines as they are periodically monitored to assess our level of customer care in line with our Total Quality Management policy, please observe this instruction religiously. Please, again, note I am a Family woman; I happily married with kids, I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences might be, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold, this is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients; do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord, I shall have the pleasure of meeting you, after this task has been completed plan a meeting.

 

I await your response.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs. Tsien Qing  

"A word"?  More like War & Peace:

Messy bird coup, I thought you wanted to have "a word" with me, not Warts 'n Pieces.  Allow me time to digest the whole of your missive in such a manure as to fathom all that you have said and remove that which you ain't said. 

 This scammer must have more than one iron in the fire, and in more than one language to boot; here's how she replied:

Querido amigo,

¿Cómo estás hoy, espero que todo te vaya bien a ti y a tu familia? Te envié un correo electrónico con respecto a una propuesta. Quiero saber si estás interesado en trabajar conmigo antes de enviarte más detalles sobre cómo proceder con este proyecto.

Tuyo sinceramente,

Sra. Tsien Qing.   

My spanish isn't up to the level it was in junior high, but it's bad enough for this:

Boneless nachos puta.  Chinga tu madre?  Holy frijoles!   

And that was all it took to end yet another attempted escapade at my character's expense by yet another ill-prepared email scammer.

Like shooting fish in a bucket.  With an RPG.