Yakety Yak

"Really?"

It must be that time of the scam season again:  all my emails are coming up oil related.

First it was the yardbird who wanted my 'product pricing list' for oil-related piping and such; to his regret, he got more than he bargained for.

Now it's this Mihai Andrei, alleged 'Accounts Manager' for Yukos Oil Company -- I assume a big Russian outfit -- trying to dupe me with $28 Million in funds from some nonsense or another.

Department of Justice:  instead of trying to intimidate states into keeping illegal voters on their rolls to help your current potus, why don't you put a little effort into running down these types of criminals, eh?

Silly question, I know.  That's why I've spent 13 years having fun with these buffoons.

Anyway...here is the email that I received that got this started down a road destined for scam:

Subject: ProposalPermit me to seek your attention in so informal a manner. I am Mr.MIHAI ANDREI, one of
the Account Director to MIKHAIL KHODORKOVSKY,Chairman CEO:YUKOS OIL (Russian Largest Oil
Company) Chairman CEO: Menatep SBP Bank.

Basically, I seek your partnership in an urgent financial business of $28 Million US
dollar. Should you be interested, please do contact me immediately via
email:mrmihaandrei@9.cn

Sincerely,
Mr MIHAI ANDREI

Fine...it took me all of about 30 seconds (yes, I'm slipping) to come up with an angle for the email rewrite.  One that takes Mihai Andrei off his chosen road, and puts him on the road less travelled by scammers, but becoming more and more familiar:

From: Mr Mihai Andrei <info@proposal.com>
To:
Sent: Friday, June 29, 2012 5:59 PM
Subject: Proposal

 

Permit me to seek your attention in so informal a manner. I am Mr.MIHAI ANDREI, one of
the Account Director to MIKHAIL KHODORKOVSKY,Chairman CEO of YUKOS YAK SPERM (Russian Largest Producer Of Yak Artificial Insemination Company).  I am also applied to be upcoming contestant on American Idol and America's Got Talent.  I am most hopeful, yes?

Basically, I seek your partnership in an urgent financial business plan I have to establish a franchise of chain stores that specialize in collecting yak sperm in America, and artificially inseminating goats with the yak sperm, to attempt to create a breed of super goak. 

Yes, this is what I really seek to do.  Ever since I see Yakov Schmirnov and Borat on pay-per-view, I think to myself, "Mihai Sonofbitchev Andrei, you too could do of this in great land of America!".  Here in Russia, all I get to do is masturbate yak to get sperm.  It get all over me, and it have properties not unlike super glue.  And it smell like...well...like yak sperm.  You know what it like to smell like yak sperm all the time?  To put in American terms, it suck.

All girls at house of prostitution and dental hygiene clinic here point and laugh at me, and run away holding their noses.  It most hurtful to what your libtard Americans call self esteem.

Anyway, I think this new breed of goak would be big hit in Middle East, where radicals there do really stupid things to get 72 virgins.  As Americans say, they ain't seed nuthin' yet, when they get into a herd of 72 virgin goaks!  I think the word is "Yowza!".  Or maybe it is "Hubba hubba"?  Or as a funny talking American, Larry The Cable Guy says, "Ah'll tell yew wha'..", and then he never do tell us what. 

I hope learn more about this, but I think I digress.

I can tell that you, American, are smiling at my proposal, yes?  I told my partner, Yuri Wankerpovitch Sharapenisova, that I find eager American entremanures who want get in on ground floor to this deal.  He think I affected by fumes of yak sperm.

We show him, huh?

C'mon-ski.  I know you want to.  You know you want to.  Write me back for more informations, and together we can make the world sit up and take notice when we begin our advertising blitz of "The Goaks Are Coming, The Goaks Are Coming".  Maybe we can defossilize Carl Reiner and Eva Marie Saint to do our promos?

I let you, the American, handle that much of the tawdry business.  And while you are at it, I want date with Jennifer Aniston.  Let me know if you get it, so I can wash all this yak sperm smell off me.

Please do contact me immediately via email: mrmihaandrei@9.cn

Sincerely,
Mr MIHAI ANDREI

Account Director
YUKOS YAK SPERM (Russian Largest Producer Of Yak Artificial Insemination Company)

I think I left everybody speechless with this one.  Even whatever schlep at DoJ gets stuck reading that 'report profiling' email address.  If they're going to come knocking here, they need to do it soon:  the donuts I bought them are starting to harden...