Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Editing Helps...Some

Campaign 2012 is well underway, and we had to expect it:  an article that ran in a once-prestigious NYC newspaper, as well as online, concludes that...get ready for it....are you ready for it...we're racist.


Leave it to an alleged researcher affiliated to and/or with Harvard, to make such a conclusion.

And how did this Harvardian researcher of dubious conclusionality come to this result?  By way of studying online searches.

Well, my pet rock -- Seymour -- was not in agreement with the article, so he wanted to write a deconstruction of it.

Unfortunately, all Seymour knows about deconstruction is usually smashing himself against something less hard than he is.

So Seymour asked if I could 'edit' the article in the same way as I 'edit' email scammer emails.

Yeah, I could do that:

When it Comes to Creamed Peas, Are We More Racist Than Manatees?
By Lylah Lowlabridgeida, Senior Editor and Coffee Maker for YaMOOO
 People are usually reluctant to admit their real feelings in surveys, but there's no doubt that our experiences and our prejudices play a part in the way we choose our pets, spouses, cars and couch throw pillows. In order to figure out whether vegetable bias affected Obama's results in the 2008 presidential election, Billy Bob Achmed Van Davidowitz, a doctoral candidate in cranial proctology at Harvard University, made up easy-to-manipulate surveys and added in data from other non-sequitur sources, all lumped under: online searches for goat enemas.

Unrelated: My 3-year-old has creamed pea issues. Where did she learn to spit that stuff across the room with the accuracy of an old timer zeroing in on a barroom spittoon?

When most people are searching for information online, they're likely to be alone and less likely to censor their audible and silent-but-deadly flatulence, he explains. "You may have typed things into Google that you would hesitate to say to a meth-stoked mosh pit company," he writes "I certainly have. The majority of Americans have as well: We Google the word 'porn' more often than the word 'orgasmicmegalomeatball'."

He chose a common baby food that starts with "C" and looked for searches that used the singular and plural forms of the word. "The most common searches including the epithet… return websites with derogatory material about creamed baby food".  "The top hits for the top vegetabally charged searches are nearly all textbook examples of antilocution, a majority group's sharing stereotype-based jokes using coarse language outside a food group's presence," in an obvious nod to veggie libel laws passed in a bygone error.

That held true for searches from 2004 through 2007 (searches for "creamed beets" led mostly to obscene lyrics, which he included for this study). "I used data from 2004 to 2007 because I wanted a measure not directly influenced by feelings toward Barney the Purple Dinosaur," he writes in the New York Daily Bloviation.

But from 2008 on, he discovered, "Obama" was one of the most prevalent search terms next to "split pea soup projectile vomiting" in veganesque tinged online searches.

Unrelated: Obama’s taste for dachsunds suggests he won’t get the Oscar Mayer vote in ‘12.

After gathering information on the veganesque charged search queries, Achmed Van Davidowitz took a look at voting data from around Democrat-controlled cemeteries, comparing each area's 2008 results, to voting results from 2004, when creamed carrots were not being mentioned out of courtesy to the agricultural industry.

Though many people believe that space aliens have big eyes and small penises, Achmed Van Davidowitz's research shows that those beliefs are not analogous to the eating of dachsunds or 3 year olds being able to spit creamed peas with the accuracy of a 19th Century barroom spittooner. "In the general election, this effect will make Ed Schultz shoot himself in the head with his finger again," he concludes.  But in areas with high Republican registration, the fact that Obama is a douchenozzle worked against him, sometimes significantly.

"The results imply that, relative to the most pea-tolerant areas in the United States, prejudice against creamed vegetables cost Del Monte between 3.1 and 5.0 percent sales against McDonald’s hamburgers," Achmed Van Davidowitz points out in his study. "This implies veggie animus, and I never even defined what kind of animus it was, whether it was a mammalmus, reptilemus, bovinemus, marsupialmus, or an anonymus or not."

"Any votes Obama gained due to dead and consumed dachsunds voting with ACORN help in the general election were not nearly enough to outweigh more conservative manatees in Florida, who unanimously voted on a ban of  Rosie O’Donnell entering the waters where manatees thrive," he adds.

The state with the highest creamed pea search rate was West Virginia, where a lotta folks chose Keith Judd, an avowed hater of creamed peas, currently in reduced freedom living arrangements in Texas,
over Obama just this May. Louisiana, Pennsylvania, Mississippi, Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio, South Carolina, Alabama, and New Jersey rounded out the top 10 most-creamed pea-hating areas, according to the search queries used.

Even in states that are considered fairly liberal and thereby screwed up, creamed peaism is prevalent enough in certain areas to put the entire state high up on the vegan-unfriendly list. "Other areas with high percentages included western Pennsylvania, eastern Ohio, upstate New York and southern Mississippi," Achmed Van Davidowitz points out in his New York Daily Bloviation article.

The 10 states with the fewest creamed pea-averse searches were Califorlornia, Hawaii, Jefferson, New Mecca, Flukedaho, Washington DC, Mightysota, Oregano, Hannah Montana, and Wyoming, which surprised even those of us who had no idea that Wyoming cared about anything other than cowboys, sheep and velcro gloves.

What does this mean for this year's contest? "Any references by the Obama campaign to creamed peas, racism or being the first marxist since Groucho, lowers the probability of a candidate's winning the popular vote in cemeteries where valid IDs are required to register and vote, which lowers fraud and zombies eating voters by 100%," Achmed Van Davidowitz explains. "Creamed pea averseness by 3 year olds could cost Mr. Obama crucial states like Chaos, Denial and Floatyourboatery."

Copiedwrong © 2012 YaMOOO

After reading my labors, Seymour gave me two thumbs up.  I should have taken pictures, since he got a hernia doing it.

"Did NOT!!!"

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Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahaha. You did a great job here. I give you two thumbs up too. Seymour is far smarter than you give him credit for. Just saying.

Have a terrific day. My best to Seymour. :)

13 June, 2012 10:15  
Blogger Right Truth said...

Oh I love this one. Great job. After seeing some of the crap that comes out of HArvard, and the price they charge, I'm not impressed. Seymour was right -- at least two thumbs up. Maybe 2 paws up.

Right Truth

14 June, 2012 19:12  
Blogger Lawyer Mom said...

Two thumbs and five stars, my friend. Am now going to twitter the link to your post to my mega list of Follies.


Seriously. Fab.

14 June, 2012 20:33  

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