Fried Green Condiments

My pet rock, Seymour, is becoming very politically astute.

Or so he tells me.

He's taken to perusing online news sources, looking for particular political fare to have a little 'editorial fun' with.

I told him that during an election cycle -- and unlike him -- it isn't hard.

He didn't get it.

"Did TOO!"

At any rate, Seymour found one about future presidential debates that he thought had potential, and he wanted to have a crack at 'editing' it.

So..."ripped from the headlines" and trashed by a pet rock:

Democrat To Be Condiment For Practice Potus Banquet

Even presidents have to prepare to be or do something at some point in their administration. Some do something better than others, to be sure. Some confuse time on the links and at fundraisers with the honing of executive masterbation, like the current potus.

At any rate, meth-affected staffers of the current potus campaign have really reached deep in to their bag of tricks for the upcoming banquets, and have asked John F***ing Kerry to stand in as a ketchup bottle that potus will be able to debate with relish.

The news of this dubious choice first appeared via a leak in the White House press room, tracked to Jay Carney’s chia pet, Maddow, during a sexual encounter with a Hillary nutcracker (from 2008 campaign memorabilia).

[Unrelated: Van Jones wants to debate a spare tire; says "it cant ax no tuff questions".]

.It was pointed out by a White House chef that Kerry married into the ketchup fortune, and ever since has thought that a condiment was something profound Dubya’s second Secretary of State might have said. But other alleged similarities that meth-addicted staffers of potus tried to bring up, really don't really make a helluva lot of sense to those that think a bottle of ketchup is worth a portrayal by John F***ing Kerry. Neither come from fried green termaders; one looks like Lurch and the other kinda doesn’t. One you squeeze, and the "phffft" sound is accompanied by tomato by-product; the other you squeeze and the "phffft" sound is accompanied by Debbie Wasserman-Schultz talking points, and smells fecal. One uses no high fructose corn syrup, and the other uses botox.

[Unrelated: John Edwards says ‘mebbe’ to co-hosting MSNBC show with Sandra Fluke, if he doesn’t have to pay child support].


Potus's chief strategist Dumbass Axholeputz said, "There is no one that has more experience at talking both ways out of his ass than John Kerry. Well, okay...mebbe my boss. Eric Holder. Ed Schultz. Chris Matthews. Michael Moore. Hillary. Barney Fwank. Dick Durban. Harry Reid. Rachel Madcow. Bela Pelosi. Our stupid DNC chairwench. Dammitall, look what you got me started on!!! What the f**k was I drivelling about? Oh yeah...John Kerry can portray a condiment better than any opponent of my boss, so by gawd – no deity references meant there – we got him. He’s up to speed and won’t have to ketchup, so he's the obvious choice."

[Unrelated: potus’s birth certificate located on Mars by the Hubble Telescope, NASA says].

A spokesman for Government Motors had a ‘duck hit over the head with a paper towel roll’ look when asked if any of this was tied to trying to resurrect the Edsel as a green-friendly tree, and responded rather heatedly in Azerbijani, which the White House quickly apologized for on Venezuelan TV.

Though most lamestream news agencies couldn’t give a bat penis about balance, we bothered to ask the potus’s opponent who he might have portray the potus for his preparatory debates; his spokesperson suggested that "a door knob was being considered, even though, as a condiment, it was underqualified, but as a potus, when compared to the current one, it was overqualified".

[Sort of unrelated: CNN reporter ejected from press briefing for asking Joe Biden "if he had any gray poop on" and Biden answering yes, before understanding the question].

I dunno...Seymour might just has hisself a crack at a cable TV show, if he keeps this up...*wink*.