US Army Sergeant Officers Should Know Bettah

Say 'hi' to one claiming to be Sgt. Nicole Harrison, US Army.

That's how she started with my character:

From: sgtnicoleharrison <sgtnicoleharrison73@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, October 15, 2021 1:06 AM
Subject: hi

 

hi

Okay, simple enough:

On Sat, Oct 16, 2021 at 9:24 PM Jack Ewehoff wrote:

Hi.

That response was good for four pictures -- including this one -- and a lengthy, kind of rambling email from a template I have seen many time before, from scammers trying to play the role of US military personnel in a far away war zone that have found large amounts of cash they want help 'liberating'.

A very short check on a couple of websites I know took no time at all to expose Sgt. Nicole Harrison as the scammer she's been and continuing to try to be.  And much of the template used was very and recently familiar.

Naughty goil....if 'she' is, in fact, a goil.

The picture is suggesting that she is, in fact, a grow'd up goil.

A grow'd up goil widda rifle.

This time, I decided to take a slightly different approach in reply:  I am posting her original letter, with my responses in parentheses and bold print, as I inserted them throughout her email.  Thus, you're seeing just what she received back from prayed for, dependable Jack:

From: Nicole Harrison <sgtnicoleharrison73@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, October 18, 2021 9:59 AM
To: Jack Ewehoff <jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com>
Subject: About me

 

My Dear,

Thank you for your mail, my name is Sgt. Nicole Harrison of the US army. Am Single, never married. However, I really want to establish a true relationship with you and even to have a business partnership as well with you, We have to build trust and believe in each other because without trust we cannot achieve our aims which I know you're not going to fail or betray me (she don' know me vewy well, do she?).

We are being attacked everyday by insurgents with bomb explosion (dang those bomb explosion Antifa insurgents in Portland, Oregon), but during our rescue mission we came across a safe box that contains a huge amount of money which we suspect it belongs to the supporters of rebel group which is meant for importation of ammunition, and it was agreed by my fellow officers (your fellow officers, Sarge?) at present to share the money among us and which we did. My share is $ 7,560,000 (Seven Million Five Hundred and Sixty Thousand United States Dollars). I am seeking your assurance and assistance to secure my share of the money (baby, I saw Kelly's Heroes, so I know how this sh*t works).

It's clear to me that you might feel this proposal will come to you as a surprise (not after 22 years of emails like this it ain't)  but it is the will of our good lord that you are the one I selected to help me after much prayer (what the f**k were you praying to, a porta potty?). I want to let you know that I have made solid arrangements with Security and Shipping and they have promised to deliver the funds through a diplomatic method to any of my choosing destinations (yeah, I am sure you have all the modalities arranged...*snort*).

This delivery is going to be handled legally by the Shipping and security company and there will not be any form of risk involved in the process and the money will be packed safely in a truck case and the same case will be delivered to you in your country (ain't your country my country, Babycakes?  Asking for a friend).

I have decided to compensate you with 30% of the total money once after the money is delivered to you in your country (you better cut in my two pet rocks; their appetite for spoils is enormous, and they'll want 30% each, which doesn't leave you much), while the rest balance shall be my investment capital in your country (see my previous for your pending investment FAILs). Now i want you to assure me that if this money is delivered to you in your country that you are going to be trustworthy to keep the money (count on it; I'll keep ALL the money alright) till when i will come to your country (ain't it supposed to be your country too?  Asking for another friend, who says you remind him of a high school hooker he used to doink after Homecoming...) to meet you face to face to collect the money back from you or help me invest it in any profitable business (my business ain't profitable, but it works for me).

One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter to a third party or anybody, to avoid any leakage of this information and it will be dangerous to me based on my position here as an army officer (okay, Sarge, I won't endanger your position as an army officer any moreso than already with them Antifa idiots in Portland).

I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust nor thwart my dream (we all have our personal delusions, Babs), though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without formal introduction (no, I don't wonder that at all; that's how these templates work), well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me in receiving and investing this Fund (had a few concussions, Sweetums?).

Note; I do not know how long we are going to remain here in the army (who's 'we', Willis) and my fate since I have survived two bomb attack here (you missed out on one of my farts in an elevator...whoooWEEEEEEE), which prompted me to search out for a reliable and trustworthy person to help me receive and invest the Fund, because I will be coming over to your home country (which was supposed to have been your home country...dang that proofreading FAIL) to invest and start a new life not as a soldier anymore but i have suffered so much here (perxactly where is "here", Doll?  I guess we're supposed to believe that she's in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, or Portland, Oregon).

I hope my explanation is very clear but if you need further clarification just let me know and I will explain further (that should be a hoot, depending on her reading comp).

I want to let you know that here in the military zone we are not allowed to make use of mobile phones, we only make use of radio message and email communication so please let us continue communicating through email for the meantime (fine; my Morse code skills have eroded and my semaphore sucks).

Conclusively, I wish you could send me a reply immediately in regards to this proposal, your urgent reply will be highly appreciated (perhaps until you read it).

I wait to receive your acceptable reply as soon as you read this letter so that I will tell you the next thing to do (I can hardly wait).

It took the sarge a couple days to chew on that reply in that peculiar format, but reply she did:

are you relucting to help me please?

Am I "relucting"?  As I ponder your question and dubious syntax, I reckon that perhaps, yes, I am.  You should have prayed to a different entity.  An elf on a shelf, perhaps.

And with that, the 'Sarge' must have decided to revisit her prayer rug and start over.  Hope she didn't select one of the exploding ones that's sending prophets through the roof...