Skunkfeathers: No Time For Sergeant Officers

All that's lacking here is input from Francis the talking mule.

Perhaps in a bit. Or without one if mule see what I just did there.

Lately I've been receiving a lot of requests for both help and love from sergeants in the US Military. All with unremarkably similar templates.

Take for example this one from Sgt Kayla Manthey.

I must say that she added a couple of very nice photos of her. Very nice indeed.

One of which helped to undermine her effort to give me the business at the start.

Read what the sarge has to say and see if you can spot the obvious "template oh whoops" moments:

Hello, my dearest friend,
Thanks for your kind response and in fact, I am very happy to read your mail, however, I really want to establish a real relationship that can lead to a business partnership and to love. It's a pleasure to meet you, I hope everything is fine for you. As I told you earlier in my previous letter, my name is Sgt.Kayla Manthey. I am 29 years old, I am single, I have never married before.

I am an officer of the US Army currently in Syria /Iraq

I would like to get to know you. I am a loving person, honest and caring, with a good sense of humor. I like to meet new people and know their way of life. I enjoy watching the waves of the sea and the beauty of the mountains and all that nature has to offer.

My dear, I want you to know that we are attacked by insurgents with guns and car bombs. During one of our rescue missions, we discovered a safe containing a huge sum of money belonging to supporters of the Islamic State extremist group (ISIS) and government rebels. in my opinion, was money for the purchase of weapons and ammunition, would be shared between us.

Of the total fund, my share was $3,560,000 (three million five hundred and sixty thousand US (dollars). I ask your help to evacuate my share of the money from this country (Syria) in your country for your safety. in my name, until I come to your country, so I want to assure you that if this money is given to you in your country,I can count on you to keep it until I come to your country and meet you face to face in order to recover the money.

I know you may be afraid of this proposal, but I want to let you know that I have concluded with the transportation company and foreign security strong and legal arrangements and they promised to hand over the fund I packed to look like a simple gift box by the diplomatic method to a destination of my choice.

This delivery will be legally handled by the shipping and security company and will not involve any form of risk. The amount will be safely packed in a safe and the same case will be delivered to you in your country.

I decided to compensate you with 15% of the total money once the money has been returned to you, the rest being my investment capital in your country.

I'm going to make an exciting call: do not talk to a third party. If you do not wish to participate in this activity, delete this letter from your mailbox to avoid any leakage of this information. dangerous for me based on my position here.

I chose to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust or counteract my dream, even if you may be wondering why I reveal myself so quickly to you without a formal introduction, well, I will say that my mind is convinced that you are the right person to help me receive and invest in this fund.

Note; I do not know how long we will stay here and what my destiny is since I survived two bombings here, which prompted me to look for a reliable and trustworthy person to help me receive and invest the Fund because I will be coming to your home country to invest and start a new life, not as a soldier anymore.

I hope my explanations are very clear, but if you need clarification,let me know and I'll explain more. I want to inform you that here, in the military zone, we are not allowed to use mobile phones, we only use radio messages and communications by mail electronic. Please let us continue to communicate by email during this time.

In conclusion, I would like you to be able to send me an answer immediately regarding this proposal, your urgent answer will be very appreciated. I am waiting to receive your acceptable answer as soon as you read this letter,

much Love from me,
Sgt.Kayla Manthey.

Alrighty then. Sergeant Kayla Manthey, an "officer in the US Army"...pictured wearing a US Air Force uniform.

As Element, my sharp-eyed pet rock muttered, "meh...details...too much attention to details."

It should also be noted that I had responded to an email from the sarge previously, and she was no more detail-oriented in reading my initial response, which went thus:

Very nice pictures. Who'd you steal them from? Sergeant officers in Iraq/Syria tend to look more like this than you do.

From her response above, it's clear she paid no heed to the reply or the picture.

At that, my other editing-gone-wild pet rock, Seymour, was all too eager to take up the task of fixing the sarge's email in a manure he's well know'd for, and Andy Griffith's character would have enthusiastically approved of:

Subject: Getting Bombed and Strafed With You Is My Wet Dream

Hello, my lil' Abner,
It's a pleasure to meet you in this manure, I hope everything is right as raining cats and dogs after an exploding IUD thingee has disrupted the neighborhood for you. My name is Sgt.Kayla Manthey. I am 29 years in basic Earth chronology, I am single, I have never married before or since. See why:

I am an officer of the US Army currently in Syria /Iraq, where I am also a sergeant occifer in the US Air Farce, a farce of one as we advertise in Liechtenstein, or somewhere like that.

I would like to get to know you. Hell, I'd like to get to know ANYONE. My template -- which obviously don't know me wewy well -- says that I am a loving person, honest and caring, with a good sense of humor. In actuality, I'm more like that wench that tried to get coronated for president twice, only to have a house fall on her crimepaign.

I want you to know that we are attacked by Antifa insurgents with spike-protein vaccinations, memes, fart bombs and cnn reports. During one such escapade I lost my virginity to an exploding IUD shaped like one of Bill Clinton's cigars. It should have been an IED, but I didn't read the label properly and well...my box is covering a larger genital area than hereto*bang*.

Needless to say, my post military career as a Constitution Avenue influence peddler is going to require a rather different asset, unless Dr. Fauxci can somehow reconstruct my gitch-along-lil'-horndoggie. And if he can't...well, that's where I penciled you in somehow.

I know you may be afraid of this proposal -- everyone else that sees me is -- but I want to let you know that I have concluded to have Jen Psuki handle all of my media and image issues, just like she does with Joe Bidumb. I see how good she's doing him -- or he's doing her, not sure -- so you've got practically everything to worry about.

There is risk in any form in this, but what's life without a little risk, eh? Folks living in Portland will bear me out on that.

Whatever I decide to compensate you with, know that it's 100% guaranf**kingteed to fall short of your lowest expectations.

I'm going to make an exciting call: to the Anthony Weiner--Carlos Danger download site. If you do not wish to participate in this activity, perhaps you'll pick Special Forces Barbie instead. Small wonder why Ken had no genitals.

I chose to contact you after my prayers to a goat head baphomet that resembles maligNANCY Pelosi and I believe that you will not betray my trust or counteract my dream, even if you may be wondering who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder.

Note; I do not know how long we will stay here and what my destiny is since I survived two Antifa/Bad Lies Matter riots, being groped by Joe Bidumb and an interview with cnn skank Jim Acosta.

I hope my explanations are very clear, but if you need clarification, damn you is one tree stump stupid yutz. I want to inform you that here, in the Portland military zone, we are not allowed to use mobile phones, we only use semaphore, morse code, badly-writ posterboard signs and communications by grunts and screeches. Please let us continue to communicate by email instead.