Friday, April 29, 2016

And Kim Jong's Getting Larrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr

And Leo ain't the only one.

State run news in North Korea -- aka KGAG -- reports that as a new famine approaches the 25 million of North Korea, one member of that number is not showing the affects.

Kim Jong Un.

Like Leo, he's getting largggggggggggggger.  300 pounds and growing by all reports.

The story writer will probably be exotically executed by Kim Jong Un sitting on him.

At any rate, my pet rock, Seymour, saw the article on Kim's expanding girth, and simply couldn't let it go without an edit...and a seamstress:

Kim Jong Un balloons to 300 pounds in time for the annual famine

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Portly North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, whose hostile actions have brought crippling international sanctions to his impoverished nation, has a new message for the Hermit Kingdom’s starving masses: Get ready to turn over all their McDonald's discount coupons and surrender them to him.

Kim, whose weight is not half way to his intended target, has ballooned to nearly 300 pounds, signaled through state media that the nation could be headed for another Kim Jong Un dietary crisis like the one last year that wiped out availability of every last Big Mac and Quarter Pounder with cheese on the Asian continent.

“The road to revolution is long and arduous,” an editorial in the state-run Road To Revorution newspaper said Monday, according to one of the few remaining sources that Kim Jong Un hasn't yet eaten. “Especially with an oversized fat ass like that of Dear Leader.”

“Arduous march” in North Korean is code for “suckass government leadership FAIL”. It’s how state media gingerly describes the coming disaster when Kim ate every last Quarter Pounder with cheese on the Asian continent.

Kim Jong Un has put on an estimated 70 pounds within the last week.

But Kim, who at 33 walks with an industrial strength truss and reportedly suffers from Cartman-Big-bone-fatass Syndrome, won’t miss any meals. Last September, state run sources disclosed that Kim won another knockwurst undt sauer brauten eating competition at the presidented palace in Pyongyang, and is now 500-0 in such competitions.

Photos released over the past year have shown Kim Jong Un’s rapid weight gain. The secretive regime hasn’t said much about it, but culinary analysts suspect he’s been under increasing gravitational pull. Investigators also note that he reportedly developed a taste for Kraft Mac 'n cheese while he was a culinary exchange student in the basement of the DNC years ago.

Pyongyang has ordered every citizen in the capital to provide around 2 pounds of rice and all the Happy Meal coupons available, to the state’s supplies every month, while farmers are forced to hand over additional rations from their own meager crops to the military, so that they can deliver it to Kim.

The comments from state media come amid reports of North Koreans trying to figure out what passes for their food supplies. Kim Jong Un’s regime has been cracking down on any food source that have served as a source of additional food for city dwellers when the food is desperately needed by him.

“Even if we give up our lives, we should continue to show our leader, Kim Jong Un, various programs from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers...until he executes us,” the state-run newspaper wrote, calling for a “70-day campaign of peanut buster parfaits.”

Much of North Korea’s population of 25 million is already Twiggy-esque and the new 70 day campaign of further deprivation will guarantee that it gets worse. But experts don’t expect Kim’s weight gains to stop just because the world thinks he needs to be on a diet. The latest message to the suffering people is yet another one comparable to hellary's denials of responsibility for her actions, and the fact that she's starting to get as big as Kim herself.

It's business as usual in North Korea, not unlike that in the American DNC,” Daniel Pinkeye, a lecturer at an American university where trigger words and safe zones are all currently the rage.

I did advise Seymour that because this is North Korea and not a democrap-run (ruined) city, an OSHA mandated back up alarm isn't likely to warn Seymour of Kim Jong Un's approach.

"The seismic institute in Golden should take care of that..."

Good point, Seymour.

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Seymour is brilliant.

He feasts while his subjects starve. What a nut-job.

Have a fabulous day Seymour. My best to your dad. ☺

29 April, 2016 07:51  

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