Monday, December 1, 2014

SuleyMON!

Didn't Neil Diamond sing something about someone by that name?


I reckon he wasn't talking about THIS tart.


Meet Miss Zaynab Suleyman, as I did:




Good-Day My Dear Respected One,

Nice To Meet You, I pray this message reaches you in the best of health and imaan. I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart, I humbly write to solicit for your partnership and assistance in the transfer and investment of my inheritance funds (USD 9.5M) Nine Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S Dollars from my late father who died mysteriously.

I am Mis.Zaynab Suleyman, I am 21years old, am only child of my late parents Mr. and Mrs.Abdull Suleyman. I got your contact email from international domain database and I decided to contact you for this offer, that is based on trust and you’re outstanding.

I need your assistance in transferring the fund to your account for investments purpose. The transaction is 100% legal and risk free on both sides hence you are going to follow my instruction till the fund is transferred and secured into your account.

It was very evident that my father was poisoned to death. In my culture, when a man dies, if he does not have a male child, the brother takes his property leaving the wife and the daughters empty handed. This is the exact case with me as I am the only daughter, I lost my mother when I was barely a year old and my father refused to re-marry despite all persuasion by friends and relatives, because he felt solely responsible for my mother's death, as he only concentrated on his business that he rarely pays attention to family affairs, He ensured that I will had everything that I wanted. It was as a result that he made me the next of kin to his fund deposit with the bank and stated that in the event of any eventuality, I should have a direct access to the funds only when I am 25 years otherwise, I should have a guardian to intercede on my behalf for the release of the funds to me for investments purpose.

Unlucky he passes away and I wanted to transfers the fund to over sea for investments purpose due to my current situation. Please if you are interested in this offer kindly give me your full assurance, I has decided to contact you hope that you will find this offer interesting to assist me, on your confirmation of this message indicate your interest, I will furnish you with more details as read from you, I made a solemn vow through God as soon as we get the fund sucessfuly transferred into your bank account i will offer 10% of the total fund to the orphanage over there in your country and 20% for your kind effort out of the total fund, while 70% will invest in profitable business and managing by you while I continue my studies. Endeavor to let me know your decision.


If you are not interested please delete and do not bother to respond.

But If you are interested your urgent response will be appreciated.Talk to you the more sincerely.
Best regard
Mis.Zaynab Suleyman 





I decided to deliberately misread the 'respond/don't respond' instructions, and responded with an edit I'm sure that will leave her wondering who the hell Ogun is, too:




Good-Day My Dear "I Hope To Disrespected One",

Nice To Meet You in cyberspace.  It spares me from you seeing what I really look like...fatter than the ass end of a water buffalo.

I pray this message reaches you and totally fucks up your health and imaan. I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart, and I've burned up a half dozen lap top computers trying to write with tears, so I tell Ogun this sh*t isn't working, and he give me his iphone and tell me not to cry on it or he turn my vagina into a crotch cricket retreat.  I think that mean I not get his iphone wet, huh?

I humbly write to solicit for your partnership and assistance in the pillage and molestation of any money you have, cuz I ain't gots none.  I live in West Africa, and three things we have in abundance here don't include money.  My late father who died mysteriously, was my pimp.  Tells you he probably voted democrap.

The talking points I got from Josh Earnest say....oh sh*t, they don't talk, I have to say them...lemme see here...oh, there we go...I am Mis.Zaynab Suleyman, I am 21years old, am only child of my late parents Mr. and Mrs.Abdull Suleyman. I got your contact email from international domain database etched in a bathroom stall in Burundi.  I decided to contact you for this offer because anyone etched on a bathroom stall in Burundi is okay in my book.  Oh, and my talking points say to butter you up by saying that is based on trust and you’re outstanding.

Hope the weather's nice where you're standing out.

I need your assistance in transferring your funds to my handlers for the sole purpose of allowing them not to have to find and hold a job.  Which not one of them can.  Shiftless clods all.

The transaction is 100% illegal and risk free to me hence you are going to follow my instruction till every last dime in your account is in the feces-covered hands of my handlers (we're out of toilet paper and they refuse to use their shirts). 

It was very evident that my father was poisoned to death by me. In my culture, when a man dies, if he was pimping out his daughter, a pox on his genital warts.  This is the exact case with me as I am the only daughter, I poisoned the bastard because he try to contract me out to a Nigerian UN peacekeeping farce as part of their "afternoon delight" program.  Asshats.  I lost my mother when I was touring in Detroit -- I think she wound up in Newark with our luggage -- it was as a result that I wound up working a computer in a fly-infested internet cafe, trying to make money for Ogun.

I'd rather have sex with Bob Beckel.  And if you've seen him, you know that this suggests that Ogun is a real piece of sh*t.

Unlucky for me Ogun read this over my shoulder so you better come through for me.  Please if you are interested in this offer kindly give me your full assurance, I has decided to contact you hope that you will find this offer interesting to assist me, on your confirmation of this message indicate your interest, I will furnish you with more details as read from you, I made a solemn vow through a wildebeest anus that was dried, treated and hung up on the wall here for us to worship, that I find someone like you to cheat. Endeavor to let me know your decision.

If you are not interested please don't delete this; instead, respond and in 500 words or less, tell Ogun what kind of an asshat he is.

But If you are interested your urgent response will be appreciated.Talk to you the more  insincerely.
Best regard
Mis.Zaynab Suleyman
mis.zaynabsuleyman247@yahoo.com
An equal opportunity internet nincompoop  




I didn't hear from Suleyman...who apparently can read a little...but I did hear from one of the many scammers I've peppered with these edits, long after he and I ran out of things to say to each other:


stop this!!!!!!!  




I can't...the brakes went out and we're on an 8% grade....WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  




He didn't appreciate my imitation of Maxwell the Pig....

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha. Stop this. Love it.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. ☺

01 December, 2014 09:51  

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