The Doritos Depression

*WARNING: Opinion upcoming*

Wiley Coyote knew a thing or two about deserts. And from his culinary quest to nail down a fowl of accelerated antecedence with the dietary equivalent of a sparrow, I reckon he knew a thing or two about food deserts.

Tom Vilsack and Kathleen Sebelius need to meet with him, before going to the press or Congress.

I know what the classical definition of a 'desert' is. Death Valley comes to mind. So does the Sahara. The Gobi. For a desert plus, there's the Qattara Depression in Egypt, which is one of the desertest of deserts, and not at all a friendly place for man nor beast. More on that in a bit.

I've driven through and stood in areas of Arizona, Califorlornia, New Mexico and Nevada, wherein the term 'desert' in the classical sense exists in abundance.

But now, we find that we have another desert in our midst. One that exists practically everywhere. Here we are, in the richest, most successful nation on the planet, and according to the Health and Human Services and Agriculture Departments, we are replete with food deserts.

W....T....F?

On a recent segment of the Michael Brown Show on 850 KOA in Denver, I learned for the first time of the wide swath of federally-declared food deserts in the good ol' US of A. Including right h'yar in my own state and even metro area.

Am I making this up? Nawp. I did a google soich on the subject and found a Death Valley Daze full of claims and counterclaims on the subject. Seems some activist sort from Chicago came up with the notion a few years back, and the Obama administration has latched onto it like yet another "why we need to control you to take care of you" scam.

Apparently, the ideer here is that the researchers and now the govmint sez there aren’t enough grocery stores selling healthy food in some places. Which might explain why they allow food stamp electronic debit cards to work in casinos and strip clubs. They have even come up with....*drum roll*....a food desert locator, so's they can convince us all of the hep they say we need.

Recently, there was one of those luverly congressional hearing thingees on the subject, whereat one of the administration's new drumbeaters on the subject -- HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius -- was having the definition and the notion questioned by one of those evil, mean-spirited Republican elected officials, one Jack Kingston of Georgia. And therein, the administration’s definition of a “food desert” – an urban area where a significant share of the population lives more than one mile from a grocery store – got a once over.

In an apparent challenge to the administration's claim about what constitutes a 'food desert', the congressman suggested that it was quite likely that most of those present at the hearing lived a mile from their nearest grocery store, and that the definition was over the top.

I would have said that it was full of sh**, but I digress.

A snippet of their exchange went kinda like this:

Kingston: “Do you think that definition should be revisited, because one of the things is, if you are in an urban area a mile away from a grocery store you’re in a food desert – which I would think in so many cases is ridiculous. Have you thought of – have you looked at their definition?”
Sebelius: “Ah, we have sir”.
Kingston: “And you think it’s a good one?”
Sebelius: “Well, I think it’s very difficult for a family buying groceries – if they have to walk a mile with bags of groceries, it may be too far to get healthier food”.
Kingston: “You really think that?”
Sebelius: “I do”.
Kingston: "Madam Secretary, are you a moron by birth or choice?"
Sebelius: "Do I get a life line option to help me answer that?"
Kingston: "Never mind....you just answered it".
Sebelius: "Oh goodie...what did I win?"

So, in an age where the command and control nannyists on the Left, in and out of the administration, are eager to see gasoline reach $9-10 a gallon to control our consumption, calling carbonated beverages 'racist', making a NC student not eat a home-packed meal because it isn't school-served chicken nuggets, and having Ag Department sturmtruppen pour bleach on the fare of a community picnic -- because the fare was "organic" -- now it's worse than ever. We are told that living a mile or more from a grocery store puts us living in a 'food desert'.

If in 2012 we are plagued with 'food deserts', how did we survive the 17th, 18th, 19th, and 20th Centuries in this country, before the advent of chain grocery stores, convenience stores, grocery stores open 24 hours, grocery chain stores providing delivery services, and welfare debit cards working in casinos and strip clubs? Let alone, how did we survive the first 11 years of this one?

Yeah, I know: they're only thinking of those who are mobility-impaired. Understood. Got that. And in many of these so-called 'food desert' zones, there are things like "home delivery", "meals on wheels", public transportation, and other assorted programs available to help in such cases.
But in an election year, *BUZZZZZZZZZZER*, suddenly that ain't good enough. Time to further fuel the dependency cycle to assure votes.

Then again...maybe I'm not seeing this clearly. I can think of at least three grocery stores that are what I would consider not that far away. One is several miles away; one is about a mile away; and the last is about .7 of a mile away. The first two apparently put me in a 'food desert'. The third technically doesn't...until you consider the fact that to get to it, it's all downhill from here. Which makes the return trip with healthy food all uphill...*TOING*. That would probably negate the geographical fact that it's .3 of a mile too close...

*AHOOOOGA....WARNING...WARNING...WARNING...YOU ARE IN A FOOD DESERT*.

Perhaps a shovel ready jobs bill will now include positions for persons to start immediately posting necessary signage in every 'food desert' across America, letting folks know how imperiled they are.

I contend that a shovel ready job has been readily available for quite some time now; shoveling up the increasing amount of inert compost emanating from this administration.

Meantime, I'm going to dub my local food desert the Doritos Depression. I hope that won't stop the chinese restaurant, 3.5 miles away from me, from delivering. I don't think they'll have to switch from car to camel...