Dear Skunky -- X

Being duped is ingrained somewhere in the human psyche. Take Islamofascists for example: they blow themselves up to gain their promised 72 virgins, only to find in the afterlife, their promised 72 virgins are in reality, as depicted at the right.

Lenin referred to such fools as "useful idiots".

But sometimes, the intending-to-dupe aren't as successful as intended. In April 2008, I was overrun with the dumbest of the dumb in Scamland. In keeping with my earlier referenced "April is Stupidest Scammers on the Web" Month, here's yet one more for your reading amusement.

This one -- Charles Jordan (chajor1@gmail.com), claiming to represent ARCON Iron & Steel Co., Ltd, located in China -- offered me a job. Yep, another one of those "send me counterfeit money orders and expect me to cash 'em and send on the money" kinda jobs. Nothing new there.

But Jordan's letter was pathetic: in spelling, diction...in everything. How can he possibly hope to dupe a hamster with a product like that?

So enter, stage left, Dear Skunky, who is dedicated to helping folks who try to hep themselves to our wallets. And hep him I did, by completely (sorta) reconstructing his letter for him. Here's what I sent back to Mr. Jordan:

Dear Sir of dubious antecedence and worse Engrish:

I really hate to see you make such a pathetic, pithy effort to give me the business, all because you can't write for sh**. So I'm going to help you. I am going to re-write your letter to make it more business professional in the manure you had in mind, and more factually accurate. Thence:

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We have a job opening for the position of gullible person of dubious intellect, under the guise of Accounts receivable. Would you like to get fleeced in the comfort of your own home and get paid weakly (aka, not at all)? We are offering this position to all naive, easily-scammed applicants. Will you like to work from home and get taken?

We're ARGOF*KYRSELF Iron and Steal Co., Ltd, based in China (or somewhere). We specialize in screwing folks just like you! We are searching for representatives who can help us establish a medium of making money off of stupid, gullible people just like you! Under the guise, of course, of having you "facilitate" with our fictitious customers in the UK, US, Canada and Mexico, as well as faking payments through you as our fall dupe.

Note that details of your account are not needed in this transaction -- the less you know, the better for us -- also, as our representative, your faux renumeration (fauxbenefit) is on a faux percentage basis. Thus, any counterfeit money order you cash, you keep 10% and send on the rest...until your bank catches up to you, that is.

Please note that your area(s) of specialization or occupation are of no use here, since we only need you to be compliant and dumb as a wooden dildo until we get what we can from you, and then discard you like used toilet paper.

All we need from you is total honesty and even more, blind stupidity, since we're as honest as Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail.

There are no hassles until we've duped you; then the hassles are entirely yours. Should you have a present job, you can still be part of our business as your usefulness to us won't take long, and your other income can feed us as long as we can milk it from you.

If you are interested in our effort to give you the business, please forward to us the following information:

1) Your full name (unlike us, your real one, please)

2) Your full contact address (ditto)

3) Your home/office phone numbers (ditto)

4) Your Occupation (ditto)

5) Your Age (ditto)

6) Your Sex (a photo of your mate, too, so we can see who's stupid enough to have sex with you)

7) Your Postal Code (resume dittos)

8) Your photo (so we can post and laugh at it)

We look forward to hearing from you and knowing we've found another greedy, gullible Westerner to take to the creaners.

Yours most insincerery,

Mr. Charles Jordan (not really)

Recruiting Officer (not really)

ARGOF*KYRSELF Iron & Steal Co., Ltd (not really)

Yes, Charles, that will make a world of difference for you and your pack of goat-poking, egg-sucking f**kwads.

Most Sincerely,

Dear Skunky

Helping One Scammer At A Time...To Porcupine Enemas

Mr. Charles Jordan did not apparently appreciate my helpful suggestions and improvements to his letter. In fact, he didn't like them enough that he ended his correspondence with Dear Skunky thus:


f**k you i not scamm.you scam f**c you.


Some people just don't appreciate sincere help anymore...