Friday, October 6, 2006

Go Widda Flow VIII


I've concluded that Evans Ofuggu would have been perfect as a front-row prop for the hilarious ventriolquist team of Jeff Dunham and Peanut:

Peanut: Hey, Ofuggu...*shoots hand backward over his head*..Yaaaah!
Ahahahahahahahaha!

That's pretty much what this has become: in just about every past scam that I have been directed to use Western Union -- and after the dog and pony show with my notion of "using" Western Union (*snort*) -- most of my 419ers have grasped that they're not going to scam a nickel from this hyar feller.

But not ol' Evans Ofuggu. A curable optimist, this one:

PHULOVIT:

I AM INDEED VERY SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. I HAVE CONFRONTED THE WESTERN UNION AND THEY STILL INSIST THAT THE TRANSACTION CANNOT BE FOUND. ANYWAY, I THINK WHAT WE HAVE TO DO RIGHT NOW IS TO WORK TOGETHER TO SEE THAT EVERYTHING GO THROUGH.

PLEASE LETS DO IT THIS WAY. I AM GOING TO LOOK FOR MEANS TO RAISE $1,800 (just hit up another of your intended victims) SO PLEASE TRY YOUR BEST AND SEE IF YOU CAN RAISE THE SUM OF $2,000 AND SEND TO ME, SO THAT I CAN ADD THE TWO TOGETHER TO COMPLETE THIS.

WHAT HAPPENED IS JUST A MISERY THAT I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND. SINCE WESTERN UNION IS NO LONGER RELIABLE, USE MONEY GRAM.

SORRY FOR INCONVINENCE THIS MIGHT HAVE CAUSED YOU.I BELIEVE AT THE END OF TRANSACTION THE PAIN THIS IS WILL BE MADE UP FOR, AND YOU WILL GAIN ALL YOU HAVE LOST.

PLEASE BEAR WITH ME. I CHANGE THE PASSWORD SO THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN ACCESS MY MAILBOX. USE THIS INFORMATION FOR MONEYGRAM (it was the same person to be sent to -- Anthony Dumebi -- but a different street address in Lagos). PLEASE DO THIS SOONEST, SINCE TIME IS NOT ON OUR SIDE.

SINCERELY,

EVENS OFUGGU

Oh, what the hell:

Evens:

Okay. I've trusted you this far, despite the fiscal loss I've suffered by following your instructions. I guess I can try once more.

However, this will cause me to have to travel: there is no Money Gram place in Vaduz; I think I will have to be driven to Zurich, Switzerland, to find such a place. This will take me a day or so to plan out and complete. But since I believe that you are whole heartedly giving me the business, and that I believe you are whole-heartedly genuine in that regard, I will reciprocate with equal genuinity.

Give me a couple days, and I will try this again, from Zurich.

Upon receipt of this, Evans/Evens has an inexplicable change of mind:

Phulovit:

I have gone through your mail and the content was quite understood. I don't want you to start going through stress of travel to send money to me. Since I change mailbox passwod I think we will not get interupted anymore.

Go ahead and I will like you to use Western Union from where you are. Please send this on Monday, even though Monday is a public holiday here, due to our independence celebration (I was going to ask him for which coup this is celebrating, but decided not to bog things down any further). I can get money Tuesday this way. Use this information (again, same person, but yet another different street address in Lagos). Do this immediate and send me the MTCN number.

Two can play the holiday game:

Evans:

No MoneyGram? No travel? Okay, I guess I'll trust your judgement on another try with Western Union.

It will be Wednesday morning before I can do this, however: like you, we have a national celebration here in Liechtenstein, but it is a two-day event. The Dancing Crustaceans of the Eternal Yoda celebration. It's a strange, yet unique-to-Liechtenstein event, a little like that pagan Mardi Gras thing in America's New Orleans.

So I will have Western Union dispatch your $2,000 first thing on Wednesday. This time I feel confident that both sides will realize the actualities, Evens.

Sort of.

So Wednesday morning, I send Evens a quick "here tis" email with yet another bogus Western Union MTCN number, which Evens or his nefarious colleague, Anthony Dumbei (aka Martian Okoh, me thinks), runs right to Western Union with.

Only to receive, apparently, the start of a rude awakening:

ATTN: PHULOVIT

WHAT IS GOING ON.

I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE JUST OCME BACK FROM THE WESTERN UNION, AND WAS TOLD THAT THE MONEY YOU CLAIM TO SEND WAS NOT FOUND IN THERE SYSTEM. I BELIEVE IN YOU SO I ARGUE WITH THEM AND THEY INSULT ME MUCH AND HUMILIATE ME WITH PUBLIC THERE.

THIS WAS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MONEY THAT YOU SAID YOU SENT PREVIOUS. I HAVE MADE A TOROUGH CHECK WITH THE WESTERN UNION. THERE IS NO MONEY SENT. THEY TELL ME YOU ARE MAKING FOOL OF ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING. GET BACK TO ME NOW.

Usually at this point, I make with my version of Eric Cartman from South Park, and let my scammer know he's dumber than a dung-covered door knob.

But not this time; this time, I'll try the old Sally Struthers ploy:

My good Evens Ofuggu:

Okay...you caught me. The truth is: I don't have $2,000 to send you.

I am broke. I can't even afford a pot to pith in. Do you KNOW what it's like to not even be able to afford a pith pot? Do you KNOW what it's like to grow up dirt poor, living on the WRONG side of the tracks? I didn't even know there WAS a WRONG side of the tracks; but the other kids -- those who had parents with MONEY -- always made fun of me, telling me I came from the wrong side of town.

On the right side of town was the love of my life. But I don't dare knock on her door, 'cuz her daddy was my boss man. So I just had to be content, to see her whenever I could. Then, we were caught. And I was fired.

Now, I clean outhouses on that poor side of town.

It isn't fair, Evans: THEY had all the toys, THEY had all the cars, THEY had the dates with the HOT women. And ME? I had NOTHING. Being from the WRONG side of the tracks meant I couldn't get ahead; those greedy, mean-spirited other-side-of-the-trackers aced me out. I wound up living in a flop house, a two-room tenement with no heat, no flushing commode, candles for light, and a room full of dead flies. I can't even afford LIVE FLIES, Evans.

Then you come along -- you, with hundreds of thousands of dollars. You, with money to burn, looking for someone like me to give it to. You come along and offer me a way out. You offer me a DREAM. And you offered to protect me from HOODLUMS and TOUTS.

I ask you, Evens, what was I to do?

So yes...I lied. I didn't send you $2,000. I didn't have it to send. I hoped that if you had gone ahead and sent me the $800,000, that I could then make it up on you. I really would have, you know.

But...if you forgive me, and find it in the goodness of some bodily organ to still commit to sending me these hundreds of thousands of dollars, I could make it up to you. I could make a difference in my life, by getting a nicer place with a flushing toilet and full of live flies that I wouldn't be stepping on all the time. If you'll do that, I promise I'll make payments to you, until you have all the $2,000. Really. Honest.

If you have a beverage of human kindness in you, you could make a difference for a suffering lad in Liechtenstein, Evens. And I could send you letters and pictures, showing you the joy in my heart and the smile on my face, for the difference your few hundred thousand dollars is making in the life of a Liechtenstein waif from the wrong side of the tracks. Walter Coppage and Sally Struthers would honor you, Evens. On this you could be sure.

Heck, I might even get laid: women don't like to roll around in dead flies, Evens.

So Evans, that's my confession. Will you still work with me in giving me this business you promised?

Apparently not: Evans isn't much impressed with an autographed picture from Walter or Sally, as his continued silence ever since receiving the above, suggests.

Frankly, neither would I be, but I digress.

6 Comments:

Blogger Monica said...

I agree. That was mean of him. Have you ever told these guys that since they have so much and want you to trust them to trust you...send the money and YOU'LL give them the part they want out of what they send you? LOL.

06 October, 2006 09:17  
Blogger header5 said...

I guess they didn't like the help me, help you route. I will be sad if he does not respond, it's been great fun.

06 October, 2006 09:40  
Blogger Herb said...

They insulted him with public? Poor guy. You are so mean, but without a pot to pith in? Great stuff. Glad you didn't quit. How're jane and Seymour?

08 October, 2006 07:38  
Anonymous Joe the Troll said...

"The Dancing Crustaceans of the Eternal Yoda celebration. "



Genius.

08 October, 2006 10:03  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Do you not realize by now that you will never be welcome in Lagos? Or Leichtenstein, either!

08 October, 2006 19:11  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is hands down one of the most enjoyable anecdotes I've read.

many times thank yous for shaning of it in must vocifegius fashion

09 October, 2006 21:54  

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