Friday, January 27, 2006

God(s) Must Be Laughing

I'm not known to be an incurable optometrist among friends and colleagues, but I am known to enjoy a good/silly/absurd laugh. At times, even a raunchy one. I am convinced that in my 49 years thus far, I am not alone in that regard.

What's more, I am even more firmly convinced that God enjoys a good laugh as well. In defense of that firm belief, if perhaps debatable statement, one need only ponder France, flatulence, Ted Kennedy and Pat Robertson -- all, in one way or another, creations of God -- and ones I feel sustain and buttress my opinion.

Perhaps an atheist would beg to differ, believing that a non-existent diety can't have a sense of humor, being non-existent. My response to that digresses -- what do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason -- but that's my digression and I'm sticking to it.

At any rate, I think God has a sense of humor. Here's a great example: there is a notorious (aka, low-life puke slug) televangelist who, during his heyday in the late 1980s, was raking in about $80 million a year, debunking the faithful from his TV pulpit. Robert Tilton. Once he was defrocked by a national TV investigation (Diane Sawyer and Prime Time Live on ABC, I believe), his fortunes ebbed. For a time.

Now he's black on BET, and raking in lesser millions a year from a new crop of televandelized sheep.

But that's not the funny part.

The funny part comes in the mid-1980s. So one version of the story goes, two American men -- unidentified by any online account I've been able to find so far -- absolutely hated this guy and his show. Among his many annoying attributes (besides living and being on TV), he had this really annoying habit of scrunching and contorting his face, along with pauses in his fauxpassionate auditory, as if he had really bad gas pains.


One day with apparently too much time on their hands, they undertook a pet project. They taped a number of segments of his show. Cut and spliced them. And then dubbed in sound effects at strategic moments.

So the story goes, the wife of one of the pranksters came home from a business trip, and found the two of them convulsed on the floor, while the original of their handiwork played on the VCR. Like most women, I'm sure she rolled her eyes and pondered the male fascination with flatulence. Then gave in to the irresistible humor of the creation herself.

From that inauspicious beginning, dubs of the original were made and ever so slowly distributed. Friend to friend. Party to party. Until what has now become known as the Pastor Gas video has reached most of the civilized world, if not beyond (it wasn't revealed as a causal reason for the attack during the Mars Attacks! movie).

Examples of what one will experience if you haven't as yet seen this four minutes of faith-debased methanic mirth:

PG: "Father"
*face contortion followed by a medium pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*
"oh yes, I sense your presence...."

PG: "I'm just wild enough to do what God said, that's why"
*face contortion followed by a sharp pbbbbbbbbbbt*
"results happen..."

PG: *shouting* "She paid her bills and her neighbors got BLESSED.."
*face contortion and long pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*
"Ahahahaaaa, the day of miracles has COME!"

Just last week -- though the video originators have not apparently stepped to the fore -- I stumbled upon a website for Pastor Gas, where you can, if you haven't seen this hilarious 4 minute video, order it in VHS or DVD.

Or, if you'd like a short sample of the audio/video before purchasing it, you can visit, and take a 55 second listen (middle, left side of page).

Either way, it convinces me that my opening thesis is right.

Of course if I am wrong, I'll find myself on Judgement Day sitting on hot rocks with sizzling hemorrhoids, peeling exploding potatoes for cream of month-old-in-southern-July-sun possum roadkill stew. Down wind.

But I think not; I'll bet God is even now laughing at the ludicrous image I just described. I can probably improve my prospects by scrunching my face and pbbbbbbbbting.

Think I'm being blasphemous? If you doubt me, what do you think the real cause of thunder is?
Ever stop to think that God likes Tex-Mex cuisine, too?

"Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbts happen".


Blogger Monica said...

Of course he likes Tex-Mex cuisine...which is why I don't understand why everyone wants to go to Denver. Geez. :)

27 January, 2006 14:12  
Blogger Karen said...

ROFLMAO We have to laugh at life and the "ppphhhhhts" or we'll go insane. That picture is hilarious!

I have SO much fun with my remote controlled fart machine.

27 January, 2006 14:13  
Blogger FTS said...

Tilton's former Word of Faith "church" was right here in Dallas until he was run out of town during the scandal in the 90's. I saw him late one night several years ago while flipping channels, wearing a Hawaiian print shirt and with a pronounced midsection. Guess they ran him off from Florida and he's found another home. Sad that this is what people see when Christianity is mentioned.

29 January, 2006 17:01  

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