Pet Rocks and Untimely Edits

Some scammers are so enamored of dated, moldering scam templates.

Like this one from "James Harris", a banker in the UK:

My name is Mr. James Harris the Branch Manager, Alder More Bank Plc

London Cash-Office Branch (UK), married with three children. I am

writing this letter to ask for your support and cooperation to carry

out this business opportunity in my department. Andreas Schranner A

German business magnate who made a numbered fixed deposit with this

branch worth $ 12M (Twelve Million United State Dollars) and I was

lucky to have the scan documents with me in save position. I

discovered from his contract employers, the Petroleum Corporation that

Mr. Andreas Schranner died in plane crash Monday, 31 July 2000 (Air

France jet liner) with his entire family and other passengers on board

as you can confirm it yourself via the website below for BBC NEWS:

https://yahoo.us4.list-manage.com/track/click?u=314c50bfefcf316dafe85f554&id=6449428fe7&e=e0548ec36a

According to the U.K banking law after the expiration of 20yrs

(Twenty) years, if nobody apply for the claim it will be confiscated

as state treasury if nobody apply for the claim, I am seeking for your

support to stand as next of kin/ beneficiary to claim these funds so

that we move it into useful investments, I am ready to share with you

60% for you and 40% will be kept for me, You will provide an offshore

account where the funds will be transferred to reason while I am

contacting you is because I cannot stand in the forefront to claim the

funds alone because I am currently working with the bank, reply to my

private E-mail: (mrjamesharris498@gmail.com)   

There apparently was an Andreas Schranner that died in a plane crash back in 2000.  And scammers have been using this gambit with his alleged account in assorted banks for years.  I can't count the number of times that I've seen this template.

Only the scammer names change.

Well, my "editing gone wild" pet rock Element, was having none of it:

From: James Harris <payments@blitzproductions.com>
Sent: Saturday, June 19, 2021 10:50 AM
Subject: Garafulongotoids 

Garafulongotoids,

My name is Mr. James Harris the Branch Manager, Arbor 'N More Bank Plc

London Cash-Office Branch (UK), which in a totally non sequitur aside is

married with three children. The bank, that is.  If a woman can marry a

dolphin in Florida, a bank can certainly have options too.

I am writing this letter to ask for your support and cooperation to carry

out my staid offer to give you the business in my department. Andreas 

Schranner, purportedly a Kraut business maggot who made a numbered 

and neutered deposit with this branch worth $12.00 (Twelve United State Dollars) 

and I was 'elected' to go forth and expect to multiply with this jackwagon load of horkery. 

You read right:  $12 whole dollars.

I discovered from his contract employers, the Petroleum Jelly Corporation that

Mr. Schranner died when he tried time travel in a device shaped like a 

German V-1 rocket that was supposed to be a time travel device; instead

it took off, flew 300 miles, and landed on a billboard outside of Dover on

Monday, 31 July 2000.  

So it kinda worked, because he attempted the travel a week ago, so

we know from historical anchovies that he made it as far back as 

the year 2000.  You can try to confirm it yourself; free egg rolls with each successful attempt...

According to the U.K banking laws and one of their more obscure

addendums therein, after the expiration of a banking client that 

went back in time in a time device and died in the past as a result, 

Schranner's $12 USD is now property of Wernher Von Braun.

Which does little for Van Braun, since he's dead too.

People that started researching this after the July 31st 2000 incident

suddenly found themselves trapped in a side time-space discontinuum

eddy that caused them to all die on the RMS Titanic on April 15, 1912.

The funny thing is, if Schranner had traveled forward in time, we'd know

nothing of this for how so ever long forward he would have traveled,

until his V-1 looking time device hit something, sometime in the future.

More or less.

So:  if nobody applied for the claim in 2000 or since it will be confiscated

as reparations by Bad Lies Matter, and I am seeking for your

support to help me file a claim over 20 years ago so that I can 

have this $12 USD, just on account a cuz.

Normally I'd be ready to share with you 68% for you and 44% for me, 

but that was calculated with Crummy Core math and besides, it's only

$12 bloomin' USD for crikey sake.  In that way, there will be no need

for you to provide an offshore account where the funds will be wet as

hell without a water proofed container of some kind.

I cannot stand in the forefront to claim the funds alone because no 

one here is dumb enough to believe any last syllable of this email.

I'm counting on you to be dumb enough; if I guessed right, contact

my primate's E-mail: (mrjamesharris498@gmail.com)

Yes, I have a primate that uses email.  At least when he's not slamming

the iPhone against the cage.

I will furnish you with two processes of concluding this exceptionally

peculiar transaction without any delay. 

James Harris

 Element apparently hurt Mr. Harris' feelings with this edit:

asshole

Ha...the jokes on you.  As a pet rock, I don't have one!   

Even Seymour -- my other "editing gone wild" pet rock -- smirked at that one.