April Emails Bring...

 It's 2021...but doesn't feel all that much different.

In the email world...not either.

Occasionally one receives gems in the email.

Occasionally one responds with gems back to the originator.

This April 1st, it was time:

The Great Haus of Peach sent me drivel.

My pet rocks wanted nothing to do widdit, so here my character sat decomposing wunst agin:

The National Finance Ministry of the Mushroomed Gonads Kingdom

The Federal Royal Government of the House of Hummus

The National Bank Finance & Public Outhouse Outreach Services

Department 12.12.69

Dear John/Jean/name that fits your gender choice of the moment,

Heyo! My name is Friedreich Von Der Goldenbürgdt and I am the Prime Minister of the Federal Bank of Nigeria United States of Cornfusion. I write to you today as I know that you have fallen victim to an advanced fee scam. What is an advanced fee scam? An advancement fee scream is when some dudes from West Africa do what dudes from West African do. We are proud to offer you compensation for your financial losses, be they hairy fungerer or cosmic muffin. 

We shall offer you compensation for the lost funds by sending you 300 soggy fece'd dildo's. These dildos are high quality and made of fine emeralds, yellow bricks and quartz and will be schipped to your address.  Or your neighbors, if your USPS delivery person is dysfunctic. We understand that you have endured much hardship having been scammed over the internet by random strangers so we are offering you 600 million billion Indian Afghan Thai Royal credits as compensation. If you or a loved one have falled fivtimg to one of the s scam, yi may be entitled to financial constipation.

Our mathematician worked it out with a pencil, so you can too.

Now, the Federal Bank of the Royal Republic of Bergengeld is located in Zürich, Switzerland and is operated by a Jewish man named John Jacob Tallywhacker Schmidt. He is posh and he loves sexy massages. The Federal Bank deals with our financial dealings outside of the Republic's financial. What I am trying to say is that John Barosa and John Warosa, colleagues in our depoartment, have filed for you to be the rightful beneficiary of the sum of 7 billion African vagina rings to be paid out in full due to your recent losses in the corona drug cartel industry. We pay out these insurances compensation fungs to all unwary claimants who can demonstrate that their fungs were not properly glarded.

I am a man of egawds, and here at the Royal Bank of Tibet we take glarding extremely seriously. In order to glard fungs, the tax clodes must first be lifted and separated in a sports bra. The national finance ministry handles tax clodement and failure to disclose a clode before deglardification can result in instan death as well as a painful orgasm and your body being physically emailed to Bill Gates who resides on the planet Tythón. I saw it on an episode of South Park.

Now, I know that this information that I am just shared to you may only serve to discourage you, and that is the point. We love when fat neckbeard scientists on Twitter and Reddit in their basements take off their 50 year old underwear and sell in on eBay as "gamer girl panties". Speaking of which, we are selling some suspiciously good smelling underwear for the low-low price of 75 pence with an equal number of scents.

What's up, muhninna? I am sincerely a man of egawds. I worship Glorm and the Spaghetti monster and I believe that if we all as in a fine manner, then Saint Ebenezer Gesundheit will bestow upon us a world that is great. Because I firmly believe, that humanity must be eradicated before it can be fixed. Isn't that cute? Anyways, we have the grand sum of 500 gold brass bronze silver platinum plutonium dildos, specially made for your orifices in a secret laboratory in Okhotsk, and we understand that these dildi do in fact belong to you or someone with a backside and bung hole like yours. Now, in order to collect these dildi, we will need some advanced payment from yourself as well as some special informationen in order to legitimisationner the purchase. Then you will be all set!!

We are not imposters, we are not scammers, we are not criminals. We are the New Order World. We believe strictly that humanity best excersizews its humanity by farting Gregorian chant. We are based in New Orléans, Louisiana, 57 Kennington Av., 25861, Suite 15. Our telephone number is (245) 157-2851. We fully execice the right to deny you your first born cheese ball, as we can physically abduct them with our laser lizard things that were once flying monkeys. Anyways, you're just gonna have to fill out some information that you should always share with strangers online and then we will be able to make it happen!!

The information is the following:

Your Full Name:

Your Date of Conception:

Your Age in Dog Years:

Your Address in German:

Your Sexual Preferences:

Your Sex (Gender (Sex)):

Your Favorite Ice Cream Flavor:

Your Zodiac:

Once you have physically emailed us your significantly offspring, we will consider sending you to prisón. Thank you and gesundheit. May the force be not too much for your Depends.

Baron Warosä Von Untergradenflangdtigunge

Presdent if the United State of Scheboygan

Leader of the Galaxy 

Yo' Mama

This particular effort drew no editorial or otherwise comments from the point of origination; then again, that point might have been from Bidumb's pressed suckretary, going in circles.