An "Edit Gone Royally Wild"

Seymour, my "editing gone wild" pet rock, just recently learned that through the work of my genealogist sister, my family is related to the current British Royal Family.

I've know'd this for quite some time, but Seymour wasn't buying it.

Now Sis has confirmed our lineage and Seymour is impressed to learn that the Queen is my 21st cousin, thrice-removed.

I'm sure that if I went over there to visit, it'd be a fourth removal.

Yes, Seymour finds that fascinating.  In a mocking kind of way.  Pet rocks are big on mockery.

And he goes on to prove it, by finding a story about royal succession in the wake of the death of Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.  And editing it, as only Seymour can...and does:

Prince Philip promised his Duke of Edinburgh title to Prince Edward, but it's reportedly going to Prince Albert In A Can or some obscure Nigerian prince in exchange for millions

By Seymour PetRock WTFNS (What The F*** News Soivice)  7 hrs ago

© Provided by WTFNS 

• The Duke of Edinburgh title was promised to Prince Edward but is reportedly going to be awarded based on a peculiar and obscure royal lottery run by an equally obscure and peculiar Nigerian royal prince that claims to have millions to share for a pittance payment.

• 
  The hosts of a WTF podcast said Charles, Prince Philip's eldest son, won't inherit the title because he has more titles than he uses and was not pleased that the Edinburgh Duchy might well be renamed Worcestershire, Milk of Magnesia or Essence of Methane. Chris Shipoffools, a royal expert, said the potential for re-designation of the Duchy made it something that might be better used in other manners, including used to obtain the portion of millions from an obscure and peculiar Nigerian royal who'd recently made email contact with the late Prince's social secretary.

• 
  .Visit WTFNS homepage if you can find it for more stories

Prince Philip's title of Duke of Edinburgh could undergo a number of changes and therefore bypass the princely line up down to what's left of Prince Harry, who's doing little but letting his wife get him in ever greater trouble in what's left of the Empire by her interviews alleging rather lurid details of “Aesop's systemic racism fables” with assorted celebrity nincompoops in Kaliforlornia.

An increasing number of royal experts are betting on the newly revamped title being given to a Nigerian royal, Prince Ukulele Ungabungabunga, in exchange for some obscure percentage of millions alleged to have been absconded with by General Sani Abacha, back in the late '90s.

There's also talk of making the eventually revamped title a prize in the next Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes.

In 1999, when Edward met Sophie – popularized in a movie of a similar title a decade before –  Buckingham Palace said  that he would be given the title "in due course, when the present title now held by Prince Philip eventually reverts to the Crown." No person was taking credit for having said that, so it is assumed that the actual palace said it. Kind of like an email starting with “from the Desk of”.

Currently Edward holds only the title of Earl of Smith & Wessex, while Charles is known as the jug-earred Prince of Whales, Dolphins and other Orca, as well as the Duke of Rottweiler when he is in Scotland, the Duke of Cornball when he is visiting the South West of England and the Duke of Hazzard when he visits Georgia, USA.

WTF's "Royal Arse Ache" podcast

Tin Lizzie “Mrs” Robinson, a host of looking back at how it went romancing a young Dusted Horfman, told astonished listeners in an episode released on Monday that the title "will pass though a series of metamorphoses with no clear path to victory for anyone that picked William & Mary to win March Madness."

"When Jug Ears becomes king, the title returns back to the Crown. It's at that point that it can be made an award to be given by the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes," she explained.

Robinson's cohost, Chris Shipoffools, WTF's royal Crown Cola editor, said that "it's all very crikey and something of a royal cock up just now, but that after the Colonies and that abomination cnn get hold of it, it'll be haggis in the fire for sure," whatever that means.

"Obviously Prince of Really Big Mammal Fish, ear heir to the throne, Duke of Rottweiler, Duke of Cornball and all the rest of it, will have more bloody titles than a vintage car museum." he added. "So it could be decided between the Nigerian royalty with the millions to share, or some landless serf via the Publisher's Clearing House, or some current 21^st cousin thrice-removed from the current Queen herself, who will be the future Duke of Whatever that duchy is destined to be renamed. He will, however, be allowed to steer the Duke of Edinburgh's drone Award scheme if he can keep it out of commercial air traffic patterns."

The aforementioned program in the United Kingdom founded by Philip in 1956 encourages young people to “not loot or burn convenience and big box stores when socially misled as is currently the case in the Colonies” its website says.

As cnn misreported – something cnn does so well – the title was initially given to Prince Funknwagnal by his not-so-great grandfather, King Pork of Loin, in 1726. Philip was awarded the title when he gave up his world renowned gift shop shot glass collection to Greece and Denmark in exchange for marrying Queen Elizabeth II in 1947.

The cnn report also got wrong that when Jug Ears becomes king, the title will "merge with the crown," and he will be able to bestow it upon still undecided gender neutral baroness of Liechtenstein. This in turn will result in Joe Bidumb being named ambassador to Uranus and his sleep-her-way-to-the-top subordinate Cowmela to become Princess of Ear Wax, a title that the current Queen was more than happy to have avoided.

Seymour isn't worried about an award on this one....he's just worried about being omitted from my family's royal lineage.  I assured him that he hasn't a worry on that score; his addition to the lineage will be taken for granite.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"