Cartman Wouldn't Mock These Dolphins

South Park's Eric Cartman thought dolphins were stupid, getting caught in fishing nets.

Cartman thought like that before he knew anything about THESE dolphins.

Yeppers...some bad ass dolphins are now loose on the high seas.   These are not your father's "Flipper".  These are military highly trained, death-dealing dolphins of the Special Ukrainian Commandos.

Love Boat, beware.

Here isn't the story that ran on CBS News out of Seattle, WA; no, here is the story that was edited here and is now running on the Skunkfeathers Blog out of Lakewood, CO:


Warning, Warning: "Comrade Flipper", Has A Poptart And Is Not Afraid To Use It!

Sevastopol Onionski News Agency (affiliated with pmsnbc-ski)
March 13, 2013Dateline: Sevastopol, Ukraine

　
Talk about blunders under the sea.

　
Three elite Ukrainian commando dolphins have gone AWOL. And at last report, they’re pissed, combative and testosteronal.  Which means for low information voters out there who're able to read that the dolphins are horny.

　
The dolphins are highly trained, intelligent, can play chess with multiple opponents, solve Rubik Cubes, play The 1812 Overture on undersea bagpipes, know tai kwan bowfin and can strike anywhere, with or without union representation.


　
Ukrainian media, aided greatly by the morons at pmsnbc, who know how to make up crap stories for Rachal Madcow, Ed Schultz and Chris "Wets Himself Over Nobama" Matthews, reported earlier this month that three military-trained dolphins didn’t return to their base in the Crimean port of Sevastopol. The dolphins – when ordered back to port at the conclusion of a training exercise – reportedly squealed in Ukrainian dolphinese, "F**k You, We Gonna Get Laidski!", and refused further efforts at communication with Charlie Tunaski.


　
These particular dolphins – identified according to an unnamed Ukrainian military secrets leak spokesperson, as Boris, Natasha and Fearless Leader – are trained in the use of special devices designed to look like poptart-shaped guns, to scare the snarf out of enemy divers, school administrators and politicians. They are also adept in the use of particularly gnarly dolphin flatulence, potent enough to sink enemy ships and cause fish stampedes, as well as tsunamis in low-lying coastal locations.


　
Ukraine refuses to reveal if the three missing dolphins had other offensive equipment on them when they went missing, but it is believed that they are out seeking to answer up to normal animal instincts.


　
As in get laid.


　
Pin-up photos of Dianne Feinstein and Janet Napolitano were found in Boris and Fearless Leader’s bivouacs. Bad as these were, the significance of the photo in Natasha’s pen –  Nancy Pelosi – elicited winces from Ukrainian military officials.


　
The Ukrainian dolphin program goes back to the popularity of the US-based TV show Flipper. During the cold war, it was the stated porpoise of the the U.S.S.R. to train dolphins to attack enemies’ TV programming -- which may explain why we now have a reality TV show about the Kardashians -- and to locate World War II-era sunken ships loaded with vodka.


　
When the U.S.S.R. became the U.F.F.R. – Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics – they handed over the program to the Ukrainians, in order to blame them for the bad puns in this article.


　
Dolphins are used in militaries across the world. Well, not so much in Liechtenstein.



After this story, how long do you think it'll be before school administrators start banning representations of dolphins packing poptarts?  I'll bet Joe Pags knows...