TWITter

If there was a shred of doubt that I'm a technophobe and just not trendy or remotely hip, this'll fix it: I don't Twitter.

*GASP*

Oh sure, I have a computer. And widdit, I email, blog, research and scambait. All perfectly understood technologies of the late 20th Century.

But I don't Twitter widdit.

Oh sure, I have a page on Facebook. One that I visit occasionally and periodically update with Jurassic-era 35mm photos I still take. But in 21st Centuryspeak, I am a technophobe. I don't have a cell phone. I don't have a digital camera. I don't have an ipod. I don't have a blackberry. I don't have an iphone. I no longer have a bluetooth, thanks to my dentist (he got it before it grew out of my ear, unlike some other poor schleps). Therefore, I don't text. Nor do I Twitter, even though with my practically-antique technology -- a desk top PC circa 2005 -- I could.

A local radio talkshow duet on the afternoon commute-time in Denver was all atwitter about Twitter on a recent segment, and was so gassed and ginned up about it, they talked about starting their own Twitter "page" for their show online. And more than a few callers -- most of which called in on i or cell phones -- were enthused by the idea.

I'm sorry...but WTF? That's "why", not "what".

As I understand Twitter, you can 'tweet' text messages of up to 140 characters, and once you've registered on Twitter (making you a Twitter-er, I reckon), you can build you up a 'network' of followers -- like you collect 'friends' on Facebook and My Space -- and they can follow your every tweet, and even comment on each and every tweet. You can Twitter about your whole day, from start to finish, in up to 140 character twitter bursts, leaving no one who's cyber out of your routine if they want to follow your Twitterpations. And simply anyone who wants to read your twitterations, can.

I can remember back in the far distant past -- the 1990s -- when some sports celebrities had achieved enough of a cult status and following, they had 1-900 phone numbers that fans could call, to be updated (via recordings) on things they did during their regular day, like what they ate for breakfast, what they read, who they had lunch with, what steroids they were doing, etc.

Then came cell phones and texting, and pre-teens to grandparents could text back and forth about anything and nothing. Like:

Teen: what doing Gramps

Gramps: soaking my teeth. You?

Teen: playing video games.

Gramps: that's nice. Do your homework.

Teen: whatEVer.

They could do this from anywhere. And now, they can Twitter from anywhere, to anyone who wants to or cares to know what they're doing at any given moment on any given day. For example:

Twttrer: Im on the can, in middle of gnarly power dump, dude

Twt: whoa, does it look like anyone u know

Twt2: yo mamma dude

Twt3: thats messed up dude

Twttr: least u can't smell it 2

Twt4: TMI dude

Yawp. I can see where people would consider this cutting-edge technology and want to be a phart of it.

Granted, I reckon there are some practical applications for Twitter. Probably some useful business applications. Probably some useful journalism/media applications. Probably some useful tech-help and research applications. The radio talkshow duet went on to highlight this idea when talking to a couple of entrepreneurs who used Twitter in conjunction with their online and conventional businesses.

And then they went onto undermine the practicality aspect when they interviewed a college journalism and Ecommunications expert, who noted that politicians are big on Twitter. In fact, he noted that politicians who are quick-witted and funny, can make masterful use of Twitter to impress and communicate with their voters, especially the young and/or technically adept ones.

He was just as quick to note that politicians who aren't funny or quick-witted, are able to stick their thumbs in their mouths within 140 characters, and leave their opponents all kinds of Twitterbytes to use against them in the next election cycle.

So, I could join Twitter and follow my congressional rep, eh?

Why bother? I already knew he was an idiot, before he became a Twidiot. I don't need to join the cyber "in-crowd" to learn a truth that's already abundantly self-evident through old-fashioned means (radio, TV...*gasp*...newsprint, or even on my rapidly-becoming Jurassic desktop).

So for now, I'm content to be a technotsaurus. A middle-aged stick-in-the-mud, who still goes online with dial up, watches DVDs on an antique TV, has a microwave old enough to vote, and listens to audio cassettes on his Sony Walkman.

Besides, I can tell you about a power dump on here, anytime, without being a Twidiot about it. And here, I can truly be 'gross', by using a full 144 characters.

*ducking boos and throwd texting acronyms*