April Fools Diplomacy

I must say that bearing in mind the criticism I'm about to levy here, I probably wouldn't be doing much better.

Our new prez isn't exactly wowing the folks in Europe with his diplomatic gaffes and slights to foreign dignitaries. Doing little better is his harried Secretary of State. Perhaps they were both right, when during the primaries, they accused each other of not having enough experience for the job.

Certainly in foreign affairs, neither is showing anything but ineptness.

Then again, when it comes to the niceities of diplomacy, I may not have done our relations with a small African country any favors, either.

Then again, I don't really care ;-)

In the past two months, I have received "a ton" of scam emails from Burkina Faso. Burkina Faso -- formerly part of Upper Volta -- seems bent on out 419ing Nigeria in the scam email department. And as I note, three things are mucho apparent in the bulk of these scams: (1), a foreigner left a ton of money in a Burkina Faso branch of the Bank of Africa, (2) that foreigner and his whole famdamily died in a plane crash and (3) the Bank of Africa must be an incredibly big and busy bank, to require so many Directors of Audit and Accounting, seeing as how each one that contacts me has a different name.

I'd like to ask the current tax-cheat Treasury guru how all those millions of USD came to reside in BOA branches all over Burkina Faso, but he can't even tell us how the bail out money's being spent here, so I won't waste time on that.

Instead, I decided -- in the guise of one of my scambaiting aliases -- to contact both the Bank of Africa, Burkina Faso, and the Burkina Faso Chambers of Commerce. Representing myself as a pending tourist, I sent them identical emails, seeking answers to a few questions that this avalanche of emails raises.

See, I expected an answer from both. And after reading my email to them, I'm sure you expected them to respond as well. After all, they're not PETA*:

To: Bank of Africa/Burkina Faso; Burkina Faso Chambers of Commerce

From: Ben Dover

Dear (Both),
I have had occasion to do some international travelling in my time, and I was at one time seriously pondering a visit to your unusual country for the purpose of tourism.

However, in doing some research of your country, coupled with a steady diet of emails I have received from Burkina Fasoans of dubious antecedence and banking practices, I have some questions to put to you before making definitive plans to journey there.

See, these emails have been dispatched by numerous persons purporting to be "Director, Audits and Accounts, BOA". And the amounts of money they purport to need my help with, coupled with the number of deceased persons the accounts relate to, leave me wondering thus:

1. Do all rich visitors to Burkina Faso fall from the sky in aerodynamic dysfunctions? According to just two months' worth of such emails, more rich foreigners fall from Burkina Faso skies, than bad guys that were killed in all five of Dirty Harry's movies, combined. This seems very bad for your tourism industry, especially when one such emailer -- when I inquired about the hazards of a trip he recommended I make -- wrote back to me and said "Go ahead...make your flight".

2. What with all the hundreds upon hundreds of millions of USD that are alleged to be ensconced in BOA vaults in Burkina Faso, how come your country resembles Afghanistan, living standards-wise?

3. Does the BOA there in Burkina Faso handle so much business and personal investments that they need 250 different "Directors of Audit and Accounting", all at once? And with names as varied as Ali Ahmed to Butros Billy Zachmed Al Qziz?

4. How many revolutions have been had in Burkina Faso since, oh say, 1997? I keep hearing from relatives of assassinated royalty and political figures thereabouts, all needing my help to rescue their inheritances from being "seized by the State".

5. Is it true that the current US president has an authentic birth certificate, autographed Quran, and autographed t-shirt from Osama bin Laden, secured in a safety deposit box at the BOA Ouagadougou branch, available to me for a fee, like an emailer or two have claimed?

6. Are there really 4,000 Mariam Abachas living as refugees in and around the capital of Ouagadougou, all widows of deposed and decomposing Nigerian dictator General Sani Abacha? If so, small wonder the guy's dead, let alone who killed him, but I digress.

7. Do your brand of Muslims all wear exploding underwear, like some of them do in the Middle East?

8. Do your hotels really have flushing toilets and real toilet paper, and not papaya leafs?

9. Is there really an FBI branch office in Ouagadougou? I have been emailed by your field officer there that this is so. If so, do they have a photo of J. Edgar Hoover there, in a full length feather boa? Just asking.

10. Do I get a fitted crash helmet and parachute when flying into/out of Burkina Faso?

I would be most gratified to have these questions answered, before I plan to book travel to your unique little country, and schedule stops to sign all kinds of account tranfers for 250 different "Directors of Audit and Accounting" at how many ever branches of BOA there are in Burkina Faso.

And what do you think I got as a response?

Sadly, the same as I got from the aforementioned PETA. Nuthin'.

But I might get a "Bad Skunk" letter from the Secretary of State. Ya reckon it'll take a village to write it?

* having no sense of humor, or any common sense, PETA never did reply to my veggie avenger or sea pussies letters...