"Live LAP AID" -- V The Big "Event"

Just a few of the "Live Lap Aid" concert photos that Masato sends to Tony, in the wake of the "hugely successful benefit" for Tony and his rag.

Masato also includes a quick note in the wake of the "concert":

Tony, dude!

"LIVE LAP AID" WAS A SMASH, DUDE! OMG!!! The turn-0ut (see the pictures) was STUPENDOUS!!! And the crowds really rocked to the music and your cause!!! And the BANDS...THEY WERE HUGE, my man, HUGE!!! They gave it their ALL, and the crowds were reminiscent of Woodcock, '69!

Sadly, we had some technical difficulties, and our NPR feed failed us utterly just before the concert began. But I believe -- I am still awaiting confirmation -- that the PBS TV team was here, and salvaged the TV recording of "Live Lap Aid", preserving it for ALL TIME!!! If they got it, I have a contact with Bonco Records, UnInc., makers of a wide variety of products, and will see if they can't get "Live Lap Aid" onto CDs, DVDs and MP3s with all dispatch!

Now comes the more dreary part: the accounting of the proceeds. Our CPA -- he's a bit hung over from the doobage clouds, man -- is hard at work, tallying up the revenues and expenses, the credits and the debits. Once he has it all in hand, he'll let me know, and I'll let you know what to expect. I think your dream of a simple $300 used laptop from some low-life, humble magazine editor, is about to be trumped by a greater realization, Tony!

I'll be back to you, soon as I have the final numbers.

Tony is ecstatic:

Masato,

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!I can't wait to see and hear all the sights and sound you send me.My staff impress with you and your efforts!!!!Now, how soon can I get to receive proceeds?I need equipment for our project.Thanks to you, we go forward.

Bless you

Tony

The Editor

By Monday, the ecstacy of the moment for Tony and Co. will, I reckon, probably go pbbbbt with the arrival of the CPA's post-concert gross/net report:

Tony:

Uh...this isn't exactly what we expected. Here, uh....here's how the final gross and net proceeds break down on "Live Lap Aid":

- total gross income (ticket/concession sales/other): $75,000

- total expenses as subcategorized below:

-- salaries: $25,000 ($2,500 x ten acts)

-- federal taxes: $10,000

-- state taxes: $6,000

-- municipal taxes: $1,000

-- municipal permits: $3,000

-- state, county and municipal "green" fees (to include: environmental impact report, noise abatement, street fecal cleaning, Save the Whales, The Audubon Society, The Sierra Club, Al Gore's Carbon-Offsets Mandate, PETA Mandate, ALF Mandate, ELF Mandate, State Nuclear Anti-Resurgence Fund {SNARF}, Habitat Originating Relief Klub {HORK}, Homeless Displacement Fund, Alliance Of Retired Hippies Reclamation Fund, Assisted Living Panthers Fund, ACORN, Moron.Org, Lindsay Lohan Cocaine Supply In Prison Fund, Paris Hilton Replace-A-Suicidal-Pet Fund, Rosie O'Donnell "If I Only Had A Brain" Fund, Acting Lessons for Ben Affleck Fund, Get Hillary A Face-Lift Fund, AFL-CIO Political Fund {since they have to ask permission from their members to donate dues now}, Save AirHeads America Fund, Cindy Sheehan Needs A New Schtick Fund and the DNC): $30,300

Net profit: -$300

In short, Tony, you and Creme De La Creme Magazine owe me $300. Certified cheque will be acceptable. Send it to Masato Chan, c/o Rage Against The Establishment Hamster Magazine, 135 Townsend Street, San Francisco, CA, 94107

I think that about covers it.

Masato

The response is, well...sorta priceless:

Masato,

What???How can i owe you money???explain this at once!

Tony (he's apparently so nonplussed, he forgot to add 'editor' this time)

So, to a degree, I do:

Tony,

Hey, that's the nature of the business, man. Concerts are expensive. Like most so-called "benefit" concerts, they rarely, if ever, benefit anyone but the ones who set 'em up or perform in 'em. Perhaps you learned something here today, if you see what I just did there, dude.

Will you be paying by cashiers cheque or Western Union?

Tony is quick with his decidedly negative view:

Masato,

What kind of fool you tink me. I write you in good faith and you turn things all wrong and make a jest of me. I am reel. My magazine is reel. You see. You have concert you make me look fool with?You are not good man. I wrong about you.

Tony

The Editor (his way to re-emphasize his status, I guess)

Before "Masato" can reply, one last salvo issues forth from Tony, as he weakly proclaims his innocence:

You have waste my time.La Cream Magazine is reel.I am so unhappy with you!

Tony (oh whoops...what happened to his 'editor' tag?)

And he may not be the only one unhappy with Masato; if there really is a garage "underground" band named Cockleburr Enema, then they'll be unhappy about this, too.

*2009 Update: never did get another word from Tony about his alleged magazine. A mag of that name did exist, then and now, but it publishes, if still, out of Cleveland, OH, and not by Tony and his dubious antecedented crowd...DOH*