Bad Skunk
*Author's note: this is a two-part classic from 2007, that combined the best (and worst) of answering not only my email, but my phone....to the consternation of those being answered. The company in question -- Madison Who's Who -- has quite a lot of negative input in my research on them since this happened, but I digress*
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I was bad again. Like that's anything new.
Certain emails that I receive should simply be deleted without acknowledgment. With most, I sometimes don't do that.
I should be more consistent.
The last time I gave in to a spontaneous impulse, I wound up having the Scottsdale Culinary Institute relentlessly pursuing -- for three months -- a student they never had a prayer of getting; nor should they have, what with me being the culinary barbarian I am.
It's happened again.
In mid-January, I received the following unsolicited email on the same email account that draws a goodly number of scam/phishing ploys:
From: Madison Who's Who
Subject: *My Name* Madison Who's Who Selection
Dear *my name*,
I am delighted to announce your nomination by the Governing Board of Editors of the Madison Who's Who of Executives and Professionals *TOING* to be an honored biographical candidate in the 2006-2007 edition. The Institute's International Board of research decided on your nomination due to research on individual accomplishments and contributions to society *DOUBLE TOING*. Based on many years of excellent reference and research compilation, the institute remains an authoritative figure in the field of noting significant accomplishments (with apparently some significant lapses in their research compilation, but I digress and they go on).
We have reviewed the endeavors of men and women around the world because of our research division reaching out to business libraries, educational institutions, and research centers worldwide. Much deliberation was held to choose those whose achievements and dedication toward exemplary goals were the best we have seen.
Upon final confirmation, you will be listed among thousands of accomplished professionals in the Madison Who's Who Registry.
If your jaw isn't hanging as low as mine is, you don' know me vewy well.
They went on to ask me to provide them with some basic biographical information, as our editorial deadline is quickly approaching.
I never heard of this book. In the circles I travel while navigationally-challenged, I likely wouldn't. I'm about as professional as road apple art. So it would have been natural and expedient that I just hit *delete* and move on.
But I didn't do that. I filled out the nomination application. Granted, I used my real name, just as they did. And my real phone number, since I didn't figure on a call back, especially since I didn't use my real occupation, title, etc.
Personally, I suspect they found some person of more societal accomplishments with my name, and mistook me for them: I think there's a realtor on the West Coast somewhere with my name. And there's that pathetic director of the bomb of a pathetic movie Pearl Harbor, who stole my name to have someone else to blame for his piss-poor choice of Ben Affleck, to overly bad act in it.
At any rate, I filled it out and sent it back. I figured that once they saw I was a research analyst for the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute, that'd be that. A quick circular filing, and no more *me* in the Madison Who's Who.
Then late last week, my phone rang. It was NYC calling. A Ms. Somebody-er-other, from Madison Who's Who: I was being notified that I had been officially accepted by Madison Who's Who for the 2006-2007 edition.
Bad skunk...very baaaaad skunk.
As the phone call proceeded, I had a chance at redemption. A chance to "come clean". A chance to "fess up".
In full 'bad skunk' mode, I didn't take it:
*the following is a recollection of the call, as I wasn't set up to record it, dagnabbit*
Ms ?: I want to congratulate you on being accepted to be included in our latest edition of Madison Who's Who.
Me: Well, Ma'am, I am humbled beyond words I can conjure up to express my astonishment at this notification.
Ms?: Well, from what I understand, you're simply being too modest. I do need to get some additional information from you before we proceed with formalizing this process. Do you have a few moments?
Me: I certainly hope so. What can I add to for you?.
Ms?: You listed yourself as a 'research analyst' for the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute. How long have you been there?
Me: About 5 years.
Ms?: What do you do specifically for the institute?
Me: I do research and analysis for crustacean remedial and spatial obedience training for building and developing their repetitive and cognitive skills.
Ms?: I have never heard of anything like this. Can you be more specific?
Me: Ma'am, so much of what we do at ICOTI is highly proprietary, but let me put it this way: have you ever watched the Super Bowl?
Ms?: No, I'm afraid I'm not very interested in sports.
Me *with a silent *whew* under my breath*: well then, it's hard to explain. But the 30 second commercials that sell for up to $2.5 million dollars each during the game occasionally include trained crustaceans, such as the Anheiser-Busch beer commercials. My institute trains those crustaceans for such roles.
Ms?: My! I've never heard of such a thing. What kind of education do you have that provided this ability?
Me: Oh, I have a Masters in Progressive Crustaceanology.
Ms?: You say a Masters degree?
Me: Yes Ma'am.
Ms?: And where did you obtain this degree?
Me: From Hah-vahd (that's how I pronounced it).
Ms?: Did you say Harvard?
Me: Yes; their school of Business.
Ms?: And what are your long-term goals in this profession? Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years?
Me: In a mirror, obtaining my doctorate and doing the lecture circuit.
Ms? *she missed it*: Do you do public speaking and lecturing on this outside of your organization currently?
Me: No, at present I just do informal presentations internally and for visiting researchers.
Ms?: Well Mr. *me*, I must say you sound very professional and have carried yourself with impressive communication skills and erudition in this interview. I am most impressed, and feel our selection of you for inclusion of Madison Who's Who is a worthy one.
Me *masking my astonished mirth* well thank you, Ma'am. I am flattered.
Then she got down to, in the words of Rooster Cogburn, "the rat killing". In order for us to finalize my inclusion in the soon-to-be-published MWW, I would need to "purchase a membership".
*TOING*
I was offered the options of (a) 5 years at $589, or (b) a lifetime membership at $789. Ms ? was quick to point out the cost benefits of the lifetime membership, and urged me to opt for this choice.
Now I demurred; I expressed to her my sincere appreciation for the honor she and her fellows sought to bestow upon me, but that as I was not the sole proprietor of the business with which I was affiliated, I would have to discuss with my partners their opinions.
Ms ? then reminded me of the time constraints, what with the upcoming edition shortly to go to the publishers, and that I could make the "right" decision now, which she was "sure" they would understand.
I again demurred, until further "consultation with my associates".
She then offered me two lesser membership options, of 3 and 2 years, for as little as $289.
*Snort*
I politely told her that any fiscal decisions were mandated within the corporate entity to be approved jointly, and I asked her if I could call her back within the hour; she said that instead, she would call me back within the hour, and we parted telephonic company.
Which left me time enough to change the voicemail on my phone, just in case she did call back.
She -- or someone from there -- has tried to call me back multiple times. But danged if they'll leave a message (I know it's them on the caller ID when the phone rings) *wink*.
Of course, anyone calling me for the past week has found they have reached the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute; the conclusion of the message is for the caller to "have a nice day and Happy Crabs".
So far, no takers.
Bad skunk. Baaaaaaad skunk.
And worse skunk to come in unexpected Part II ;-)
.gif)
I was bad again. Like that's anything new.Certain emails that I receive should simply be deleted without acknowledgment. With most, I sometimes don't do that.
I should be more consistent.
The last time I gave in to a spontaneous impulse, I wound up having the Scottsdale Culinary Institute relentlessly pursuing -- for three months -- a student they never had a prayer of getting; nor should they have, what with me being the culinary barbarian I am.
It's happened again.
In mid-January, I received the following unsolicited email on the same email account that draws a goodly number of scam/phishing ploys:
From: Madison Who's Who
Subject: *My Name* Madison Who's Who Selection
Dear *my name*,
I am delighted to announce your nomination by the Governing Board of Editors of the Madison Who's Who of Executives and Professionals *TOING* to be an honored biographical candidate in the 2006-2007 edition. The Institute's International Board of research decided on your nomination due to research on individual accomplishments and contributions to society *DOUBLE TOING*. Based on many years of excellent reference and research compilation, the institute remains an authoritative figure in the field of noting significant accomplishments (with apparently some significant lapses in their research compilation, but I digress and they go on).
We have reviewed the endeavors of men and women around the world because of our research division reaching out to business libraries, educational institutions, and research centers worldwide. Much deliberation was held to choose those whose achievements and dedication toward exemplary goals were the best we have seen.
Upon final confirmation, you will be listed among thousands of accomplished professionals in the Madison Who's Who Registry.
If your jaw isn't hanging as low as mine is, you don' know me vewy well.
They went on to ask me to provide them with some basic biographical information, as our editorial deadline is quickly approaching.
I never heard of this book. In the circles I travel while navigationally-challenged, I likely wouldn't. I'm about as professional as road apple art. So it would have been natural and expedient that I just hit *delete* and move on.
But I didn't do that. I filled out the nomination application. Granted, I used my real name, just as they did. And my real phone number, since I didn't figure on a call back, especially since I didn't use my real occupation, title, etc.
Personally, I suspect they found some person of more societal accomplishments with my name, and mistook me for them: I think there's a realtor on the West Coast somewhere with my name. And there's that pathetic director of the bomb of a pathetic movie Pearl Harbor, who stole my name to have someone else to blame for his piss-poor choice of Ben Affleck, to overly bad act in it.
At any rate, I filled it out and sent it back. I figured that once they saw I was a research analyst for the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute, that'd be that. A quick circular filing, and no more *me* in the Madison Who's Who.
Then late last week, my phone rang. It was NYC calling. A Ms. Somebody-er-other, from Madison Who's Who: I was being notified that I had been officially accepted by Madison Who's Who for the 2006-2007 edition.
Bad skunk...very baaaaad skunk.
As the phone call proceeded, I had a chance at redemption. A chance to "come clean". A chance to "fess up".
In full 'bad skunk' mode, I didn't take it:
*the following is a recollection of the call, as I wasn't set up to record it, dagnabbit*
Ms ?: I want to congratulate you on being accepted to be included in our latest edition of Madison Who's Who.
Me: Well, Ma'am, I am humbled beyond words I can conjure up to express my astonishment at this notification.
Ms?: Well, from what I understand, you're simply being too modest. I do need to get some additional information from you before we proceed with formalizing this process. Do you have a few moments?
Me: I certainly hope so. What can I add to for you?.
Ms?: You listed yourself as a 'research analyst' for the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute. How long have you been there?
Me: About 5 years.
Ms?: What do you do specifically for the institute?
Me: I do research and analysis for crustacean remedial and spatial obedience training for building and developing their repetitive and cognitive skills.
Ms?: I have never heard of anything like this. Can you be more specific?
Me: Ma'am, so much of what we do at ICOTI is highly proprietary, but let me put it this way: have you ever watched the Super Bowl?
Ms?: No, I'm afraid I'm not very interested in sports.
Me *with a silent *whew* under my breath*: well then, it's hard to explain. But the 30 second commercials that sell for up to $2.5 million dollars each during the game occasionally include trained crustaceans, such as the Anheiser-Busch beer commercials. My institute trains those crustaceans for such roles.
Ms?: My! I've never heard of such a thing. What kind of education do you have that provided this ability?
Me: Oh, I have a Masters in Progressive Crustaceanology.
Ms?: You say a Masters degree?
Me: Yes Ma'am.
Ms?: And where did you obtain this degree?
Me: From Hah-vahd (that's how I pronounced it).
Ms?: Did you say Harvard?
Me: Yes; their school of Business.
Ms?: And what are your long-term goals in this profession? Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years?
Me: In a mirror, obtaining my doctorate and doing the lecture circuit.
Ms? *she missed it*: Do you do public speaking and lecturing on this outside of your organization currently?
Me: No, at present I just do informal presentations internally and for visiting researchers.
Ms?: Well Mr. *me*, I must say you sound very professional and have carried yourself with impressive communication skills and erudition in this interview. I am most impressed, and feel our selection of you for inclusion of Madison Who's Who is a worthy one.
Me *masking my astonished mirth* well thank you, Ma'am. I am flattered.
Then she got down to, in the words of Rooster Cogburn, "the rat killing". In order for us to finalize my inclusion in the soon-to-be-published MWW, I would need to "purchase a membership".
*TOING*
I was offered the options of (a) 5 years at $589, or (b) a lifetime membership at $789. Ms ? was quick to point out the cost benefits of the lifetime membership, and urged me to opt for this choice.
Now I demurred; I expressed to her my sincere appreciation for the honor she and her fellows sought to bestow upon me, but that as I was not the sole proprietor of the business with which I was affiliated, I would have to discuss with my partners their opinions.
Ms ? then reminded me of the time constraints, what with the upcoming edition shortly to go to the publishers, and that I could make the "right" decision now, which she was "sure" they would understand.
I again demurred, until further "consultation with my associates".
She then offered me two lesser membership options, of 3 and 2 years, for as little as $289.
*Snort*
I politely told her that any fiscal decisions were mandated within the corporate entity to be approved jointly, and I asked her if I could call her back within the hour; she said that instead, she would call me back within the hour, and we parted telephonic company.
Which left me time enough to change the voicemail on my phone, just in case she did call back.
She -- or someone from there -- has tried to call me back multiple times. But danged if they'll leave a message (I know it's them on the caller ID when the phone rings) *wink*.
Of course, anyone calling me for the past week has found they have reached the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute; the conclusion of the message is for the caller to "have a nice day and Happy Crabs".
So far, no takers.
Bad skunk. Baaaaaaad skunk.
And worse skunk to come in unexpected Part II ;-)
posted by Skunkfeathers at 01:15
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13 Comments:
You were responsible for this, weren’t you?
Me? No.
One of ICOTI's outlying branch/journeyman researchers? Maybe.
A consequence of training crustaceans: if one isn't careful with one's vices in the presence of the subject trainee, more than just useful applications can be learned...
What ARE we going to do with you, Skunkypoo?
I thought at first that she had you mistaken with, you know, the "other" MB but no.
Geez, I can actually visualize this call of yours. Now I'm gonna have to call your phone and hear the message so DON"T answer it. (What? you thought I wanted to talk to you? hmm? )
Take care, friend.
Someone of your high caliber, and edumacation didn't jump on the chance to be a who's who?
ROTF
I can't stop laughing...I can't!
OMG the things you get into!
You are a total riot and I enjoy your posts so much.
You made my day!
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one
That was a good one. I was waiting and waiting to find out how it was. Yer sure it was New York and not Nigeria? You should answer again, explaining how busy you are and if they don't have crabs, you really aren't interested...er...you know what I mean.
The world be a much duller place if you were well behaved.
So far this article is the first and only item that I've read on your blog. I do believe that I will be reading many more! When I get home I may change my phone message to something of similar mirthfulness.
Loo
You make me laugh! Thanks for being so entertaining!
Pat
Skunk being bad makes for one rip-roaring funny read. Be as bad as you wanna be!:)
"Happy Crabs"-
lol...time to get out the steamer and melt some butter! Are you in, or what?!!!
LOL-
Loved it :)
I am always amazed at the patience you have in dealing with these scammers.
You were bad, but you enjoyed it.
Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth
Coo, you're a beast! ICOTI indeed! You made me laugh so hard, I have lost what was left of my eyeliner ...
This reminds me of the weekly urgings I get from Poetry dot com to "see my work in printed form" for a mere $$$ ... ha ha, they don't know me very well ...
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