Dear Skunky XX -- Opportunistic Translations

In the ongoing saga of Russian bride scamstresses, I get a few repeats. Primarily of photos. My newest scamstress calls herself Irina (my 5th or 6th Irina), and is using the same series of photos that three other scamstresses have used under the names of Katya, Olga, and Misha (since late 2007). Scammers of any sex don't apparently understand the adage that familiarity breeds contempt.

Eh...I don't mind. Besides...I like this current version of Irina. She writes so...convolutedly. I especially liked this passage from her most recent missive:

My day today begin well enough for day. I as usually prepared myself as a breakfast after last night I did the washing machine. She very much helps me. I in general like to home at be much and like being domestic affairs. I am confident that you like me to cook! I make the good Pizza! I like to eat houses and I do not like to go in restaurant of a fast feed. I like be eaten slowly. You too? You take me to eat and enjoy, yes?

*restraint, restraint*...of course, I know what she means. I think. But an email written like this one just cries out for literal interpretation, Dear Skunky style. I realize that if "Irina" or her handlers have any gist of English replies, I may well lose further opportunities for eating Irina.

But you'll pardon moi here for giving into temptation, and not being directed from evil interpretation ('cuz I wouldn't be Dear Skunky, otherwise):

Irina,

WTF??? I mean, wow. We've corresponded twice, and already you want me to eat you? Whoa. That's a record in my dating history. But I digress for a moment, though I'll undigress shortly.

You eat houses? You must have an iron stomach and the appetite of a goat or a great white shark. They'll eat anything, though I think a shark will draw a fin at tofu. Tell me, hon, is there any particular type of house you find culinarily preferable? Does one with a thatched roof remind you of Shredded Wheat? Is a mud hut more like kasha or borscht? And how does your digestive tract handle sawdust, epoxy, caulk, plaster, et al? Small wonder some of your older Russian women are the size of brick crap houses....they are what they ate...literally. Well, please don't be in a hurry in your case; you're still quite petite, and I like the idea of being able to get my arms around you, without first having to treat your foundation for termites and/or other pests.

I want you to know that here in America, we have a place called The Waffle House. That ain't what it's built out of; that what they serve inside. I just want to make that clear to avoid any future misunderstanding here.

Now, back to your earlier premise. You want me to eat you? And slowly? *TOING* I will be more than happy to accommodate you on that score, when you find your way over here by whatever means you have available. Hubba, hubba! Slowly is the only way to go on that score, nyuk nyuk!

And one last thing, Irina...making it with your washing machine. I know that some women like to use artificial appliances for self-gratification, but I think you may be experimenting beyond the pail, if I may be so up front. At least tell me you're using protection, or low-speed agitation cycles. Otherwise.....woof, you're gonna need a serious rebushing, and in short order.

Now I'm going to have that image in my head every time I go to the laundromat...yowza.

Irina -- or whomever -- didn't bat an eye at my reply. The next email I got made no reference to, or questioned any of the above.

This one's gonna be fun, laundromat mental images aside. Yowza. Still developing....