How To Lose $250,000 Euros

The quick answer to that question is, "vote for Democrats". But I digress.

In the midst of this financial crisis, I seem to be attracting more and more *luck*, in that I just won two more foreign lottos: one from Spain, and one from Microsoft's Netherlands branch. Between the two, my total (to be) take (en for) is $1,250,000 Euros. Slightly more, in devalued Yankee dollars.

Not bad for one day's email. Good thing I'm winning this before Obama & Co. might just get the chance to tax the snarf out of it.

However, with the respective replies I sent to the respective lotto "coordinators", I think I can safely say that I'll never see a Euro of either. Sorry, tax 'n spenders.

*Gasp*....how, you say, can I let this happen, after such incredible *luck*? Easy, for me: it's all in the reply. For which I have a gift.

For this one, I'll focus on the Microsoft Corporation Sweepstakes, notification from Mrs. Maria van de crap Kuykenfaast (07531598369@orange.net):

OFFICIAL WINNING NOTIFICATION.
We are pleased to inform you of the release of the long awaited results of Sweepstakes promotion organized by Microsoft Corporation, in conjunction with the foundation for the promotion of software products held this September 2008, in The Netherlands. Where in your email address emerged as one of the winning emails in the 2nd category and threfore attracted a cash sum of 250,000.00 Euros and a Dell laptop. Your reference number is MSCORP-STK/915-2693, and your batch number is 2008/101/8/MIC.

To begin your claim, do file for the release of your winning by contacting our Foreign Transfer Manager: Mr. Piet van der Kuijt
Email p.v.d.kuijt.microsoftcorporation@gmail.com
Tele: 0031-628-693-618

The Microsoft Internet Email lottery Awards is sponsored by former CEO/Chairman Bill Gates and a consortium of software promotion companies. The Microsoft internet email draw is held periodically and is organised to encourage the use of the internet (ROFLMAO...yeah, for scamming) softwares and promote computer literacy worldwide. Congratulations!!
Sincerely,
Mrs. Annije de Heuvendaal
Promotions Manager

Whether or not this scam is actually originating in the Netherlands, I don't know or care; but long as I'm not going to collect on it, I might as well cement my ineligibility to be named to the diplomatic mission to The Hague, as well. And for this, Jack N. Ewehoff is eminently qualified:

Microsofties, Netherlands branch

Dadgum, I do feel lucky this month. You're the third lotto I've won hyar in a week. I do thank ye fer that, shore 'nuff.

But, strange as it's gonna sound, I gots a complaint hyar...why don't you f***ing Dutch get pronoucible names? I mean, c'mawn: Piet van der Kuijt? What the f*** is that? Why do you all want to sound like you sell, or are, pork and beans? And who is this Dutch broad, Annije de Heuvendaal? Even Vanna White's gonna warn you against buying too many f***ing vowels! Gee-sus Crikey, folks, haven't you ever heard of K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple Stupid? Is it because you can't make up your minds as to whether or not you're called Holland or The Netherlands? Is it because you live below sea level with the brine shrimp, and limp around with sore feet from those ridiculous Noah's Ark-shaped wooden shoes (they won't keep you afloat, idiots, if the levees go, or did anyone ever tell you fools that)? Or is it you prance around windmills, with those outlandish Sherwin Williams haircuts, trying to do Jill in a peat bog while smoking rolled apple cores? Or is it that the excess humidity molds out your alphabet, causing these dysenteric names like Poort de van der Voorten Bloggen van Hapsenchancen Pieten Jerkingherkinjk?

On a brief aside, I'll bet you know why lesbians like to visit Holland, right? They heard that people put their fingers in dykes there....mwhahahahahahahahaha! Well, okay, so it's funny to folks other than lesbians. Back to my main point, if I had one.

Y'know, you ain't been invaded by and overrun by the Germans since '45. Quit sucking up to their alphabetizin' and get on with your life. You don't have to bow to Schicklegruber any more! Get names that people can pronounce, like Butch, Bob (impossible to mess up), Annie (enough with the useless 'j's in idiotic places, already), Hank and Sue (even your lawyers can understand that one).

Okay, I think that's all....no, wait. There is one more thing: make sure I get my money in convertible Euros, not guilders. What the f*** is a guilder? Someone who makes fish breathing apparatus? THEY GOT THEIR OWN, PIET VAN DER MORIJON! Dang! Don't they teach you Dutchies any biology sh** over there?

Okay, now that's it. You can send me my money. I have a new method of delivery that's totally 'green' and environmentally friendly, and I'll give you details on how to use it, unless you want to ask Speed Diplomatic Courier Services about it, though they'll probably lie to you and try to get you to use the more environmentally-gnarly modes that spew carbon footprints all over the van de crap place. Eh....up to you.
Jack N. Ewehoff

Not unexpectedly, I didn't get my money (unless it overshot and wiped out that crustacean dance studio in Vaduz, again), nor did I get a reply from Piet van der Pukijt. But I did get an admonishment from the US State Department, after they got a protest from the Nigerian Consulate in The Hague.

Seems the Nigerian ambassador couldn't "read well and the contents therein are well understood" my reply. Worse...neither he nor his staff got the joke about the dykes.

Prolly not worth explainin'...y'think?