Dear Skunky XIX -- Identity Crisis

Dear Skunky is not very nice.

Nawp...Dear Skunky took advantage of a script gaffe...and a couple of name gaffes...and just got "strangeness" on a poor, seeking-love Russian bride scamstress, who thought I (aka, Jack N. Ewehoff) was her soulmate and perhaps her key to happiness in the USA.

Yawp. And I krapped in her kasha. All because I couldn't overlook some minor gaffes.

Baaaad Skunk. As a recent telephonic push pollster found out, I'll never be compassionate enough to be of any use to progressives, but I digress (with apologies to Jack K for the digression).

In the midst of juggling four Russian scamstresses at once (I shoulda been that bold in high school; then again, it's a whole lot easier and safer keeping four onliners straight, than four at the same school, and getting gang-mugged behind the bleachers when they inadvertently get together and compare notes), I get me a fifth: under the usual "not her real name or email" category, I get an email from "Errol Darby" (acgasser@yahoo.es), that says in part, "Hi! I find you on Internet and I be very happy if we know each better, as you see it? I write you and hope that you will turn its attention to me, I very good girl (*nasal spew of beverage*) and very care tenderly, I hope that I ponravlyus (WTF???) you. I just think that we can move on to "you"? I will await your respond. I just want to say that if I can not get to this site is still a site to me in my email address: yuliyakashapova@yahoo.com

Well. Never having been 'ponravlyus'ed before, I reckon ol' Jack is in for a new experience h'yar, one that Dear Skunky owes an exploration of to his readership. So Dear Skunky again dons his Jack N. Ewehoff persona, and dives right in:

Ma'am,

I'm not right sure what your first name here is, but I am amused to hear from you. You bring to me an experience I have yet to have had in my life, that of being "ponravlyus"ed by anyone in email. I hope that, depending on how I turn my attention, you'll pontificate on this ponravlyus thingee in detail, and if I'll find it to be pleasurable, or rather like a porcupine enema. Awaiting your well-read reply.

A day later, I learn that her grasp of written English isn't much better, her name (for my purposes, I think) is Yuliya Kashapova, and that she "am glade to get answer you! I happy so much you have written me! I have hopes to get to know us better and correspond this, yes? I now try tell you more: I am 26 year olds, 56kg weigh, and 171 cms of tall. I am harmonious body brown eyes black hair. You see my photo attached (and yep...the photo is of a very harmonious bodied female of the black flowing hair variety). I life in Almetyevsk , Russia, my city is 1300 km from Moscow. Also I hope my email big suprise for you, really? But most important I like to say to you I have decide to look for man thorogh internet thanking my best girlfriend Anastasia (hopefully, not one of the two current Anastasias that I'm fencing with...otherwise, see above comments) who is best my friend here and she meet man in Latvia Riga City by internet. He name of Valdis and they much happy in togathering! I want say you I can speak English with out problem I think so...I hope you can to understand my writed English with okay problems? Really please to tell me? Ok? Say to me so in next email? I have got to mine diploma of profession "economist" (hey, honey, you can be a talking head over hyar just now...) and will like learned about career chances in your country with this diploma (you can wipe your hands on it while cleaning toilets, waiting tables, etc...and she goes on) for this is really what to you brings me to meet. You are much interesting person to me from your profile (I GOTTA find this friggin' profile they all mention) and I hope to be much the interest also you that will find me (nawp...nuthin' wrong wid her English...bwhahaha). Waiting for your answer, I am Yuliya.

Yes, she is. Well, maybe: a not-so-quick check of a Russian scammer photo database does find what appears to be a matching photo of Yuliya...as Svetlana, from Kazan. Details, details. Why let such minor details get in the way of true luv, yes? Don't worry; I won't.

Having used the "love-lorn" approach on my last scamstress (and currently on two more), I decide to return to a format that Dear Skunky has been castigated for by much more than compassionate progressives, and readers who missed the disclaimer about not drinking and reading at the same time:

Yuliya,

First off, may I say up front that your education is obvious to anyone who reads your email; you write English better than inner city kids in California. Bravo, my lipshen (yeah, yeah, her English is better than my Russian). And that photo...wow. That is one beauty of a woman! Do you know her? So, you are educated as an economist? Again, wow: what timing you should find my mysterious profile and write to me! We need one more economist to tell us what to do with the current economic malaise here. That's a great idea, Yuliya.

I go on to tell her about my fictitious life in Waterloo, Iowa, my fictitious house, my fictitious job, and my not-fictitious pet rock, Seymour (who's still on a farm in Ohio, but that's for later). I finish with Yuliya, I hope you'll send me more photos of beautiful women, and tell me more about what getting ponravlyused is like, and whether it involves interesting sex positions, whipped cream and crackers or not. Write more when you can!

I gotta wonder that at some point, her handler(s) -- at least one of them -- will have a better grasp of written English than "Yuliya" seems to. But to my delight, not in her next reply:

Dear Jack!!! Thanks to you the reply I get and I readed with much gratitudes! I like you like to me, yes? This I reads! I am much glade you likes to me!

Now, there seems to be a 'blip' in the script: what I tell to you before Jack, I learn profession to be hairdresser and this is my work (is THAT what's wrong with all of OUR economists? They're really HAIR DRESSERS?..and she goes on) at salon where I dress hair many hours a week. I like my work because it creative and it allow me to be creative and deliver to people pleasure. I work in small firm on hours of 9 to 6 nightly. I write you from work of place here because I cannot have computer internet in my home place but my manager he is fare with to me and ok me to write you here when I break from work. When I am off time I like go with girlfriends to sport club and spend time with advantage of my body (hubba, hubba!) that we all like do. I very much like to sports...if your body has movement it is much the healthy, yes (yeah, a couple-three healthy movements a day are what they do call for, shore 'nuff)? Wheter tell me please, you are like to sports? Do you do to like the spot on TV? I like watching figure skating and ski runs! My time is now to back working my Jack! Please write me more!

But of course I will:

Yuliya,

I am most gratified to know that you are gifted intellectually and well-educated, so that you can balance economisting and hairdressing, too. And those pictures...dang, woman, I wanna meet THAT girl, whoever she is! Speaking of sports, I do love sports, indeed. In fact, you might say I'm sporting right now as I reply to you. Beyond that, I like football, NASCAR, hockey, exercising until being incompacitated by raging thigh cramps, projectile-vomiting, killing terrorists with laser-guided bombs, and bedroom golf. I may one day get to show you bedroom golf, Yuliya. It's all in the stroke control. Yowza. Finally, may I say that I am so very glad that you keep movement to stay healthy. I enjoy a couple-three good movements a day, too. Especially with a good magazine.

Send me more of those pictures, babe.

Neither Yuliya nor her handlers seem as yet to be reading much of what I'm saying; but Yuliya is about to experience another 'blip' on the correspondence radar, which suggests to me that (a) she's trying to multi-task with another potential dupe and (b) she ain't good at it, but (c) he's getting racier pictures than I am:

My Carlos *TOING*

I love to you the life you promise me to provide! I will make you happy with love and we raise good family together, yes? Please to hurry to send the plane ticket money to me, I impatient to be with you to love and be tenderly to! I want for you this photo of me to make to you fantasy about us together! Your Ekat!

LMAO...yep, it came from the same email address as her previous ones did...yep, it came to my email address as the other ones did. And it came with a photo of a totally naked woman that doesn't look quite like Yuliya. But now, suddenly, I'm Carlos, and we're into the 'rat-killing' part of the scam, having leaped over all the other preliminary snarf, and I'm pissed because Carlos has been getting better pictures (until now, anyway; now it'll be his turn to be pissed). What's worse, I don't even know how much money I'm supposed to be sending. Hate when that happens. Probably a lot for that photo.

So I guess I'll play along, sorta:

My darling Ekat,

I am so taken by your words and your wishes, my darling! Like you, I dream of sex with crustaceans in cocktail sauce, and all the trimmings! It cannot happen too soon...well, yes it can. Because I lost your wiring information, along with my own identity! I began this as Jack, and now I'm Carlos. But for you, my raving lunatic of a naked beauty, I will be a door knob. No! I will be a tree stump, if that's what your little heart desires! More photos! Woohoo!

Now, I get a couple of days before the next email comes. It's again from Yuliya...or is it:

My Jack,

I wait impatient for your reply to me! I have much to be happy when you write me and tell me things of love (huh?...we ain't GOT that far yet...you must be thinking about Carlos..that tool). I must to say that love is a feeling of much growth to me. Can to you I say this? Really? I want you to not offended this make you, my Jack. Please to me what it is you feel and say inside to me? I am much to be happy about you in my life! Your Yuliya

*Tell the handlers: I think we have a teleprompter programming short here*

Okay, so she can't keep straight who she is or I am, or where she is with who in whatever other scams she's running. Fine. Let's play really out there and test her and her handlers' grasp of movie trivia:

Yo, Adrian! Badda boom badda bing, it's me heah! Yeah, me! Mulligan, your bombs are coming down on our heads! You can't hear me? The reason you can't hear me, is you're firing your mortar on your end, and they're dropping here, on OUR end! NO, THE KRAUTS ARE NOT HERE! WE'RE HERE! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE KRAUTS ARE! JUST LIFT YOUR GODDAMNED BARRAGE, OVER! Oh man, don't hit me with them negative waves so early in the morning...think that bridge will be there, and it'll be there. It's a mother beautiful bridge, and it's gonna be there. Okay? What are you doing? Oh, drinking wine, and eating cheese, and catching some rays, y'know...what's wrong with the tank? Oh, the tank's broke and they're trying to fix it....well why are you up there helping them? Oh man, I just drive 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work....definitely the anti-social type...*woof woof woof*..yep, that's my other dog imitation.

With all kinds of love and hot pig sex, Larry the Cable Guy

Apparently, neither Yuliya, Ekat, or her handlers have seen Rocky or Kelly's Heroes:

My Jack,

I say to you I love the letters to me sent! You very kind man and to this I think one to be loving to me, yes? I feel yes love inside of me to you, Jack. To you I come to America and not to fear be in foreign place away from home for you will be to me as one I know can love with me! This is true with you, yes? I can say now I know that I love you, my Jack! Your loveing Ekat

Okay.....the train is off the tracks, the teleprompter's fried, Fannie Mae's found out that Freddie Mac's gay, the taxpayers are getting screwed, and whoever's writing these letters is more lost than Nancy Pelosi at an ethics convention. And poor old Carlos, wherever he might be...wonder what HE must be thinking about now, besides being pissed that I got one of the nudey photos he was supposed to get?

I wait a couple days, and in that time, someone over there is starting to get caught up on the mixed emails, and even perhaps starting to understand a bit of what's been writ:

My Jack,

I am not to understand some of the items noted your emails to me now. You to me speaks of mortars Krauts? Sex with pigs? Who is to this Larry Cable guy with you? You write much to me strangeness, Jack. I wish understanding of this now for you to explain me. Ekat

LMAO...I write strangeness? At least I know (I think) who I am! Oh hell...let's mix a bit of Jack N. Ewehoff, Baaaad Skunk and the General (from Kelly's Heroes):

Yuliya-Ekat-Svetlana-et al,

I am not the least bit surprised at your total cornfusion about now, my little Russkie changeling. You've cornfused the absolute sh** out of me. To the point that I don't know if I'm Jack, Carlos, Sebastian Lipshiz, or some other dupe of unknown antecedence and prodigy. But I want you to know that I don't care who you call yourself; for $10,000, you can call me Billie Sue. Long as you keep sending me those naked pictures of whoever that beautiful woman is, I am so not caring who you are, who I are, or where this trolley car is floating near a blackhole in space! History waits for no man, Jablonski...I'm pushing on to the Rhine! Attack attack attack! That's the kind of fighting spirit I was talking about! If that guy's a major, he's a colonel now! What am I doing here, Booker? C'MON, LET'S GET THIS ARMY OF MINE BACK IN THE WAR! Woohoo, Barney the Purple Dinosaur is here...I love you, you love me, I can eat kids three by three...

See, Yuliya-Ekat-Svetlana-et al, it doesn't matter! What matters is, you keeping them hot pig sex photos a comin'! Yowza woof woof!

Jack N. Ewehoff, or whoever you want me to be

That was a mistake on my part; I overplayed my hand and I'm going to lose my supply of photos:

Jack,

You not real to me! You write nunsense stuff to me and you think that not to know this I can find. You false person! Stop now to write me anymore at once! Yuliya

She must be a Democrat: I'm the "false person"? Well okay, so I am in this mode ;-) Oh well...I never did find out what getting "ponravlyus"ed is. And that's the end of those nice photos, especially the last one. The last one I'll get from Yuliya-Ekat-Svetlana-et al. Pity, really. And no, male readers, I won't share it on the blog (I do have some female readers I wish not to offend...but I can email it 'pon request LOL).

Baaaaad Skunk.