Energy Crisis My Ass

Gas at about $3.50/gallon; diesel at over $4/gallon. Per barrel oil prices now at over $120, and projected to go perhaps as high as $200 within a year or two. Folks are seeking answers.

Oil, coal, wind, water and sun. These are the primary sources of energy as used by much of the industrial and non-industrial world. I leave out nuclear power for some nations, since it's always debatable which part of nuclear power they seek to have and use, and for other nations -- including this one -- enviro freaks melt down faster than Three Mile Island, at the mere mention of nuclear power.

Whatever the source, energy is a fact of life. Energy is essential to industrial and modern societies. Without it, economies tend to suck. Hot climates don't have air conditioning. Cold climates don't have heat. There's no light at the end of the tunnel or a dark hallway. Ice cream melts in an icebox that ain't icing because it ain't got no power to make it ice and deplete the ozone layer.

Personally, if it's a choice between ozone and ice cream, I'll take chocolate, but I digress.

At any rate -- in the energy field, it's kilowatts -- oil and coal are in abundance, though of varied expenses to extract, and aren't necessarily environmentally-friendly. Wind power isn't bad, save for what it occasionally does to flocks of birds caught in a wind turbine. Solar power's okay. Nuclear power is an option, if you forget Three Mile Island, Chernobyl and the Earth First freaks. But overall, oil is the biggie. Where it's plentiful overseas -- like say, the Middle East -- it's also controlled by some rather dubious characters of marginal antecedence, who have peculiar notions about our infidelish western ways of life, satchel charge fashions and camels. Not particularly dependable folks to depend on energy supplies from. Same goes for the pudgy dwarf with a face that must of caught fire once, and been put out by a high school track team's cleated shoes, who currently runs Venezuela with rifle-tipped bayonets.

There are huge, largely untapped sources of oil on the North American continent: in Anwar, Alaska, for instance, or the Bakken field, that suddenly makes North Dakota worth something. But here again, enviros and other freaks that spent their youth eating their brains with drugs, rant and rave about "Mother Earth" and Rev. AlGore's massive "human-generated global warming" fraud, and do their damndest to prevent these readily-available and safe sources for cheaper oil, from being utilized. All the while, bitching about $123/barrel oil.

If only they and AlGore had left the LSD alone when they still had four working brain cells.

But folks, it doesn't have to be this way. Really.

My friends at Bonco, UnInc -- makes of such wonder products as The Abdomination-Izer and Phffft! Asure -- are currently at it again, designing and testing a revoluntary product that, once perfected, will forever after alter the energy-starved landscape of our precious terra firma, and put within reach, easily-generated and easily-harvested energy at anyone's finger tips*. Energy independence will be a fact of life, and a right to each and every person with a car to drive, a home to run, a business, a plane, a ship...from appliances to the z-thing that dresses ice between periods in hockey.

Strangely, like the fraud of the Gore-inspired food-for-fuel ethanol program -- enriching farmers at the expense of lovers of tortillas and grits -- this energy independence will be food-fuelled. But not by taking food from people, and turning it to fuel.

People will do the turning themselves.

Thus I introduce you to a product soon to be new by Bonco: The FART 'N START METHANE COLLECTOR AND SYNTHESIZER!

A technological masterpiece of engineering**, it combines collection, conversion and combustion, in a device that fits comfortably and unnoticed in the seat of any chair. If Man designs it, Bonco has the collector/converter to fit it! And with just a few minor adjustments*** to current technology now fuelled by petroleum, coal, wind, water or solar power, the Bonco FART 'N START can have you on your way to TOTAL ENERGY INDEPENDENCE in almost no time****.

In the sorta-words of John Lennon, imagine: instead of having to stop at a petroleum-based gasoline station, paying exorbitant prices for gas, just pull into a McDonald's drive-thru. Not only will you pay much less, you'll go twice and thrice the distance on the methane-based fuel that YOU PROVIDE through CONSUMPTION.

Imagine: instead of paying ever-increasing prices for air travel, you'll pay a third for a ticket on a FART 'N START equipped plane, and you'll get the added benefit of your in-flight meal now served in pre-flight. Then, with everyone seated, the captain will come over the PA and announce, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your flight deck; thanks for flying (whatever) Airlines. Now, if you'll all cock a cheek, we can get underway..."

Imagine: ditto for train, ship*****, and even interstellar travel******, all fueled by what you eat, and YOU.

And it doesn't end******* with just travel:

Imagine: one management meeting in your corporate office will generate sufficient energy to run the full facility for a month; with adequate storage facilities, a weekly management meeting will run the place indefinitely.

Imagine: a state legislature -- pick a state, any state -- could spend 4/5th less time in session, yet provide sufficient energy to run the entire state's power needs for years at a time.

Imagine: the US Congress (as currently configured) could provide power to the US, Canada and Mexico for a century, with just one session. Especially with Democrats in the majority.

Imagine: and if we share the technology with France? All of Europe, from Portugal and Norway, east to Siberia, will be kept in full power for as far into the future as one can project********.

Finally, imagine it: No more using up valuable food stuffs for alternative/bio fuels, driving up the prices of everything from avocados to Zingers. No more beholden to a bunch of double-dealing camel doinkers and their oil; no more coal mining or the by-products therefrom; no more worries about nuclear reactors; no more complaints from the Audubon Society about pureed bird flocks; better use of water supplies; no more worries about cloudy days.

And best of all: NO MORE WARS OVER OIL.

Granted, there'll be occasional tiffs with the Missus over what you used to run the house appliances and such; but in such cases, there's Glade Plug-ins********* for that.

Yes folks, instead of having to listen to AlGore gas about fraudulent science and energy dependency, he can put his monumental supplies of gas to work for the greater good, thanks soon hereafter to the FART 'N START by BONCO!

The answer, my friends, will be blowing in the wind. And you'll have YOU to thank for it. You, and of course, Bonco, UnInc**********.

* well....actually, lower than the finger tips, and more an orifice than an appendage...

** the mathematical and chemical processes involved are too complex to describe, or so says Bonco's alcholic chemist, but he assures that if properly hooked up, tuned and fuelled, you'll get results; see Disclaimer

*** potentially a full overhaul, but eh...details, details

**** results may vary; see Disclaimer

***** with certain restrictions; see Disclaimer

****** unless you want to be as lost in space as the Robinson family, see Disclaimer

******* pun sort of intended; the Disclaimer won't help one way or another here

******** proof, if ever really needed, of just how full of it the French are

********* this is not a paid advertisement for Glade Plug-ins; it's just the stench masker that we thought of first

********** DISCLAIMER: Bonco, it's parent company Bonco, UnInc., and the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute, are indemnified and held harmless in the event that the FART 'N START fails to reach the full potential advertised herein, as a result of improper following of obfuscated and obtuse technical directions on how to convert current technology to collect, convert and combust methane; as a result of improper dietary fuelling of the human methane source generator; as a result of overfuelling the human methane source generator with highly-combustible fuels like spicy enchiladas, and then having too many of you on one side of the ship at the wrong moment of expellance; ditto for space travel and achieving warp speed at an inopportune moment. Bonco and heretofore referenced subsidiaries suggest that military applications of the FART 'N START be delayed until the implications of audible flatulence are fined-tuned for stealth technology; one doesn't want to be given away in a war zone by sounding like the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles. Bonco and aforementioned subsidiaries will not return calls from Exxon-Mobile or other oil companies, unless the price for purchasing all rights to suppress the technology for the FART 'N START are sufficient to set us up for life in egregious luxury, allowing us a comparable carbon footprint to that of Al Gore's Tennessee mansion or Rosie O'Donnell's butt.