What...We've Got Hyar Is...

*This is a scambait from 2007, that began with my playing around with a 'free' online dating site...I have since received other scambaits from various 'Russian bride wannabes' using the very same photos. But eh...familiarity breeds you-know-what*

...failure, to communicate".

So said Strother Martin's character in the movie Cool Hand Luke. I've used that line before in my dealings with online scammers.

It fits again.

Being a bachelor, I have some latitude far as online or any other kind of dating goes. Fortunately, most women who think they know me tend to regard me as the guy their mamas warned them about. When I was younger, I wished a few mamas hadn't been so dadgum right so dadgum quick; nowadays, I don't care as much but I digress.

Anyway, I throwd up another profile for fun and curiosity on one of those 'free' online dating sites; I haven't had any good laugh-at-myself routines for at least a week. At any rate, the site was 'free', until you want to reply to someone's expressed interest...then you have to pay for at least a month's access. Not a bad racket they got goin' there.

But the person contacting me in this case got around that -- and the site censors/moderators -- by posting her off-site email address in the body of her profile (which the site said was verboten, and in this case, the moderators/censors obviously missed).

She claimed to be in Wisconsin, 55, and a life-long resident of the cheesehead state. Her email address didn't sound any bit ominous, either: missdancy54@yahoo.com. One possible 'flag' to the profile was that at the bottom of it was written as an afterthought, "this is not really my account". Ooookay. Taking a "what the skunkfeathers" attitude, and feeling safety in distance, I stuck my toe in the cyber water:

Ma'am,

I got your email interest contact, and noted that it really isn't your account, but since you expressed interest in contacting me, I am responding. Are you actually in Wisconsin, or elsewhere? And what about my profile prompted your email?

I wasn't sure if that'd get a reply or not, but in my life, almost any reply draws...something:

Hello!!! Have good day. I hope you remember me because I have writ you recently (uh, no she ain't, but she goes on) and you answered me (uh, no I ain't, but she goes on). I sorry I not use right place, but I am from Russia (*TOING*) and I am busy organzie all my travels. This is first time I try communicate with man in virtual space and I am not good intenet user but I think I meet good man in here.

I stifle a *snort* while allowing an *Oy vay*, and she goes on some:

I travel to USA because in Russia here no opportunities for young woman like me to get head (I didn't misconstrue that...did I? And she goes on) it is hard possible to explain in a few words, but in USA I can get job babysitting or personal trainer, and I need a man to be with and be safe with, I think (NOW activists are going stark raving nuts over that 'un, and she goes on). You should also know that in Russia men drink too much and are violetn with women, and I wish not live like that. I read you and think you really nice (awwwww) and maybe you might like me if we meet, yes (follow the 'awwww' with a suitable expletive)? My name is Balentina, and I am 29, not 55. I sorry I say that, you know we must do things to get where we want, yes?

Bill Clinton would have loved to have had her for an intern.

After some other small drivel, she finishes with I do not want be lonely in evenings and I want to know for sure if somebody waits for someone me! It is just a woman's wish! I come to USA and maybe you meet and like me, yes? Who knows??!!! We can live together a few months, and maybe you keep my heart for you? I will write more soon!

I will say that the photo she sent -- allegedly of her and her sister -- was intriguing. IF it was of her and her sister (photo will be posted on the next, concluding installment).

But I no think so. Having dealt with a few of the Russian bride-wannabe scammers before (see some columns earlier this year), I suspected that this was one more of the same. Still, I decided I didn't want to string this one along, so my reply was in my mind, short and succinct:

Balentina,

Okay, so you're from Russia, and not Wisconsin. Same diff in the winter, but I digress. That's a very nice photo you sent me of two rather charming women. Do you know them? Beauty like that can carry one far over here, sure enough. But not with me, when it involves the distances you've cited here: I do not get involved in long distance relationships, Balentina, and since I am almost twice your professed age, I am not up to playing Whose Your Daddy Knows Best with you. I suggest you keep looking around the online dating site, and find someone closer to your age to try your hand with. Best wishes.

I thought my reply was pretty clear, didn't you? Apparently, Balentina missed at least part of it, like about all of it:

Hello!!! I hope soon I will be able to come to your area by my birthday and we will meet each other!!! I not sure why I pick you but I feel something special about you (I didn't tell her anything about my three concussions, so that ain't it, and she goes on)! I sorry my profile not accurate, the one I post as joke, I just want to try my English well enough to see if I good at it (you're better writing it than reading it, apparently, and she goes on) to be correspondent with you.

She went on to tell me her full name (Balentina Manyiowa), that she is 167 cm tall, 51 kg in weight (the photo suggests reasonable proportions), and she is so proportioned because I take care of my body I do aerobics three days a time as profession here. I hope you like my photos and they not tire you look at? And she talked about life in Russia it is very cruel life in this place I live, and finally that she is working on getting her travel papers from Russia to the USA as soon for me possible, I can't wait meet you and begin I hope my new life!!!

She finishes by asking me to send her "many photo of you" so that she'll know me at the airport (*TOING*), and if I am "lover of strong drink?".

Oooooooookay...y'wanna play, eh? Let's test her English comprehension, as well as what her end-game really is:

Balentina,

Your English is passable, and your aerobics status makes it clear you can certainly do well with head over here. Now, it seems that my second reply to you was lost in trans-Ukraine (see what I just did there?), so I think to allow this to go where you intend it for now.

As for those photos you're sending, why, I'm not tiring of them at all. That's one fine looking woman there. Personally, I lean toward lean over heavy, though the term 'fat' can be somewhat subjective: Twiggy would call you 'fat'. Fat Albert would call you a 'hey hey hey...wisp'. OSHA wouldn't be likely to put a back-up alarm on your backside, from what I'm seeing. But OSHA has some weird standards, sometimes. Freedom does that to some people.

You seem pretty determined to come to America and meet me. Well, Balentina, I suppose I should warn you that your eagerness to meet someone you've only communicated poorly with over three emails might be a bit premature, especially a guy who uses Vaseline and cattle prods to elicit an answer to that seminal sexual question, "who's your Comrade?".

But if coming is what you want, coming I guess ain't such a bad objective to have in the right venues. And speaking to your question of strong drink, I will say that this is definitely possible under such circumstances as barlighting and testosteronal desperation demands that sensory ugly detection be muted in order to score. More or less.

In Part II, I will learn that my last reply repelled her not, as her next response to me is from Moscow, in preparation for her trip to America...and me.

She thinks. But she don' know me vewy well. Or any of my online guises...