From the "Best Of" 419 Files: The Papal Chase (2004)

*Note: this 2004 epic -- one of my best scambait escapades, EVAH -- took place over 8 weeks, and involved all the blasphemy and nonsense I could muster, and still sustain a scambait to my utter delight, along with the angst of several scammers, and the probable "WTF?" of some train station and hotel employees in Amsterdam, The Netherlands. It is presented now, in condensed form, for your amusement*

In late September, folks are starting to think about preparing for the coming holidays. But not me; I was preparing for, as it would turn out, a Keystone Kopsesque epic around a European standard, Amsterdam, Holland. All that was lacking was the appropriate 'chase' music.

It began on September 21, 2004, when my scam-magnet email account received an email from a Mrs. Tracy Hatch of Kuwait; before it was done, it would involve her "barrister" of note, Abudu Daladi, and one of several Amsterdam-based associates, improbably named Mark Antony.

Like the 1963 epic It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World -- that managed to find a role for just about anyone in Hollywood at the time -- perhaps even Cleopatra managed to finagle a role in it, too.

Witness the opening gambit from Mrs. Tracy Hatch of Kuwait:

Subj: God Blees You

I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Mr. Kazeem Hatch who worked with Kuwait Embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in 2001. We were married for eleven years without child (she was obviously too busy trying to screw other folks, but I digress). He died after a brief illness that last only four days. Before his death we were born again Christians. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $12.6 Million dollars with one Security Company in Europe. Presently this money is still with the Security Company.

Recently my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem (probably from lack of use of certain parts, but I digress again). Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to church or better still a christian individual that will utilize this money the way am going to instruct herein.

She went on, and on, and on, to tell me that I was her chosen "christian", and that I was to contact her via email, if I accepted her offer.

So what was a God-fearing, Christian man of dubious sense of humor and the common sense of a toilet flush handle, to do? Oh sure: I could do the obvious (delete). OR...I could push the boundaries of blasphemy even further than Mrs. Tracy Hatch was trying to do, by responding as a man of the cloth.

Thus was born the Universal Church of Perpetual Holy Horkage, and the Reverend U. R. Phulovit, Pasture Thereof, located in the bucolic idyllicy of Vaduz, Liechtenstein.

I'm not sure they've ever forgiven me over in Liechtenstein, but I continue digression.

I reckoned my opening response to Mrs. Hatch and her associates would either signal "game on", or the sound of cyber crickets:

My wayward child,

May all that is bleesed, rain upon your parade in a gullywasher of faith! I have the honor and extreme flatulence to be Reverend U. R. Phulovit, pHd and Pasture of the Universal Church of the Perpetual Holy Horkage, and I am moved to my bowels by your treatise, Ma'am.

As you ponder your closing moments in the face of this cancer to your blighted soul, it is well that you seek for the betterment of life for those not sullied by your past; this is smiled upon by Him in all things. Yet, as you face the great precipice leading to eternal perdition and/or re-runs if so inclined, you are obligated my child, OBLIGATED to profess that which we all have, in our own little curds and wheys...our SINS! Now, Sister, NOW is the time to give over your soul to Him, and not to the heathens who tug and grope at your heart and genitilia.

As for the rest, I shall be more than happy...indeed, DUTIFULLY BLISSFUL, to be the agent in your giving me and others the business you seek to give in this time of nearness to subterranean living.

I shall await your response.

Many a times, such smartass responses resulted in nothing further; but on this occasion, bigger fools come to those who were originally intended to be taken as such:

Dear Rev. U. R. Phulovit, pHd,

Thank's for your email response and the content there in was well noted. Based on my mail to you my husband is dead and we don't have child. hence I have contacted you because they will use it for their own selfish interest and not mine for my wish is to use the momey for GOD's work and also to help poor childern. I thank God to meet with someone like you who is God fearing human being.

All I need from you now is cooperation because my present condition of health, you will contact my personal barrister to assist you in all necessary legal vital document that will prove you as the ture owner of this said fund but you need to promise me that you will not sit on this money when you receive it. You will use it accordingly in God's work as indicated in my mail. His name is Barrister Abudu Daladi (and she listed his email address). And she went on to ask of me my full name, address, and other contact information, as all good scammers get around to.

Okay, so my first round of blasphemy went over her head in a manner that Jeff Dunham and Peanut would have reveled in; so let's stick our toes a little deeper into the Holy Water:

Lord amighty, your spouse died based on your email to me? Sins and stale wafers above! Were this truly the case, I'd have to shave my head, don robes, eat broccoli and flatulate all things Gregorian with my monk friends at St. Accapella Mocha. But you say he died in 2001, so mote it be not.

As for helping childerns and other things of spelling anomalies, this is what I have committed my life to. I thank you for encrusting me with this business you wish to me with aplomb and circumcision. I shall not fail to live to your level of expectorants. As for the funds you wish encrusted, worry not: to sit upon them once received, I wouldn't dream of. Paper cuts in that region are a holy terror, and I'll assume you don't see what I just did there.

In answer to your request, I am Reverend U. R. Phulovit, pHd, pasture of the Universal Church of Perpetual Holy Horkage; my own little parish being located in the splendour of Vaduz, Liechtenstein. Long ago, I took upon myself a vow of poverty, seeking only the welfare and food stamps of His Kingdom. So avowed, I have forslaken many of the modern conveniences, including a telephone. But my parish elders -- blessed and pesky souls they are -- insisted that I maintain a modern modem line for a computer, so that they may stay in touch from the main diocese in Zurich, Switzerland.

Thus in this way, I can do His bidding on Ebay and His wishes, here and wherever poverty and chicanery is barney rife. So, dear Sistah, please have your bannister have speaks with me via this means. His Will be probated.

I also copied this email to her good bannister; and a couple days later, Bannister Abudu Daladi enters the fray:

Rev. U. R. Phulovit,

I am barrister Abudu Daladi, and as such am entrusted with the estate and affairs of Mrs. Tracy Hatch. She has informed me to deal with you in this matter, so I wish you to call me at this number (something with a Nigerian country code) I have trouble with your reply to Mrs. Hatch, and wisht to speak on the phone for you with clarifications.

A couple days later, I am more than happy to non-comply:

Bannister, Thanks to Him, I read well and grasp all of the finite details therein what you say and mean to convey. Am I given to understand, thanks to His having given me the necessary tools to do so, that you are well-read and educated? That you are God-fearing and churchly in all manures of the spirit? That you, like me, have the best interests of your client and soon-to-be cadaver, Mrs. Tracy Hatch, at the fore in your effort to help her give me the business? It is well that it is so; therefore, I bid you return to my previous email, wherein I was clear that mine is a humble ministry, and that I have forgone such luxuries as a telephone. I do have this modest computer -- provided by the church elders -- which allows me to reach out and touch those of my flock what need a touch. And it is in this manure, good bannister, that we are met, and shall deal.

I await your instructions and that voodoo that you do, so welllllllll, Bannister.

The bannister may have a problem with my verbiage, but he picks up on 'voodoo':

Thanks so much for your mail, before i got further i urge you open up what you mean by VOODOO? and also if you realy wish to actualise this transaction with me kindly send me your direct phone number, your mailing address and your full name. and also i don't seem to understand the contents of your mail, like i have intimated you without the phone number i can't go ahead. i await your swift response.

You note that his grammar, punctuation and spelling have deteriorated a tad; it usually takes longer. At any rate, I relent on the 'voodoo', but not the phone number:

Bannister, I do most sincerely regret, as He knows I would, any misunderstandings that aboriginated from the reference to 'voodoo': I am a man of the cloth, generally wool, but am alos something of a cruciverbalist, and poetic word play is my farte. I was rhyming your name. No offense taken.

Now, to the business for which we are met: I have made it clear that my oath of poverty prevents me from having a telephone. But in all things, He provides a way and a means: that way and means is that which we have thus far communicated with . Thus and so it shall remain, Bannister. Amen. Thus and so, a revisitation of my previous emails, will render you up the other informations you have overlooked, but are at your fingertips. We have all the communication equipment necessary for our to have good work come from this meeting; kindly make use of it.

But the bannister is insistent that I call him:

I cannot undersand you in mail, and do not undersand you not call me direct. it is must that we do so call me now.

Another few days of my I don't have a phone, we have computers, make it work, esteemed and sauteed sir, and his i cannot read your mails, you must call me to make this go ahead, the good reverend decides to sound out the cadaver-in-waiting:

My heart is heavy, heavy indeed: I find your bannister of choice is not dealing with me in sincerity. And he insists on the frivolous -- a phone call -- when I have laboriously explained the whyfer not of this, and the lack of necessity thereof. I fear that we waste time over telephony, whilst you slip precariously closer to the maws of formaldehyde.

I stand ready, child, to do well by you as He would have me do; but I cannot be twisted from the path of righteous cyberbosity, by a dissolute bannister of dubious antecedence. As Gorkus once said of Cain while he was able, "Badda boom badda bing, fuggeddaboutdit". I have faith that you will be helped in a manure He knows you befitting of, but I fear that this will not come to pass with the machinations of your current bannister. Convey to him to moderate, and work with me heah.

Several days go by, and perhaps I have overplayed my hand with the "badda booms"; but then comes this from the somewhat contrite bannister:

i have been explain by my client to cooperate and work to actulize this with you. I want still aphone call but it is for later. now i must insist that you read well and understand what is to be done to actualize this matter. you are require to travel to Amsterdam, where you will meet with officals and accept consignment for the accoutns being hold by a security company there. you will need to pay in advance a consignment fee of $10800 USD to have them deliver to you the consignment along side the 2 documents I shall send you in your name before we share the fund to enable my client to have her own part.

you must make travel plans in good time and let me know them. i still want you to call and discuss this before proceed. why you not do this? the consignment is a lager account and you must undersand this. i wait your response soonest.

Usually, when you get mad at a 419er, they back off of demands they're making. So the good Rev tries it with the phone thing:

If Mrs. Tracy Hatch communicated to you to cooperate with me in getting the greatest good done with expedience, then I am flummoxed over your insistence of a phone call. Good Him above, man, I am a man of infinite patience and spchincter control, but you are wearing me thing on a point of incontinence. Are you a moron by birth or choice?

As to Amsterdam: this was not an expected element in the effort. Nor was the sum of money you have mentioned, anticipated. But, due to the nature of our business, and in the interests of meeting that last request of our mutually-supported cadaver-in-waiting, I shall petition my church elders, giving them the details, and seeking their dispensation to proceed.

Really, bannister, I hope you are not as obsessive over your mother, as you are telephony. You shouldn't be afreud to have that looked into.

Despite some insults and a really bad pun, I get back the answer I sorta kinda anticipated:

Thanks so much for your mail, wich you seem to insutl my person. well am not mad at you and will not be just for the sake of my profession have come across people like you from different part of world. i will say no more about phones so when will you be in Amsterdam to complete the transaction? soo as we can, ok.

He's come across people like me from different parts of the world? Gawd hep them other parts...but I reckon it's time to assuage the basta...bannister:

Forgive me, my son: I sometimes speak with unbridled passion, and He must at times remind me that my impassioned bridle is a bit abrupt and harsh. I am sorry you're a moron. I forgive you this flaw.

I have shared with my meager congregation, the fauxplight of your client, and their enthusiasm for my doing my best to see that she gets what she justly deserves, was genuinely underwhelming. This bodes well for the outcome, I feel.

I will be upcountry for a few days on a benevolence mission, bringing His Word to heathens in need of a few more Words, and less etchings. I shall communicate further upon my return, and when I hear from my church elders in Zurich.

Apparently, all is now forgiven in the flush of believing that I am hooked, lined, and sinkered:

Thanks for your email, you are welcome. I wish you good on your trip. In further to our transaction, I wish to know the date which you shall travel to Amsterdam to enable me to furnish you necessary detail. Please update me soonest on this. I am also in need of a copy of your passport and photo, for it is how I make the security company know that you are who I send.

At this point, I didn't have a 'bogus' passport to use; but thanks to another accomplished scambaiter with a sterling resume of humiliated scammers adorning his cybertrophy room, I procured a bogus UK passport (one that wouldn't stand scrutiny, if a scammer knew what to look for), showing me residing in Liechtenstein, with the photo of U. R. Phulovit being strangely akin to that of dead political comedian, Pat Paulsen.

After a week, allowing me time for my flockly visitudes, I replied to the bannister:

I am fine, and by His judgment, my trip was a success, having enlightened the flock and sent all heathens thereabouts in flight to less clement surroundings. Does me good, doing His work.

A passport, you say? Hmmmm...yes, I have one; no, I don't have it copied for sending from my computer. But He provides for those of faith; I shall put it in His hands to make the necessary become accomplished.

As for travel to Amsterdam, I am awaiting a decision from my church elders, who have now all the necessary facts to decide how and if I can proceed. I shall soon travel to Zurich on a periodic pilgrimmage of dioceseical proportion, and perhaps will then learn the breadth and scope of that which I can render under His guidance. If I am cleared to proceed, I will travel to Amsterdam by train -- like the American heathenette, Erica Jong, I fear flying -- and will provide you with information accordingly at that time.

To hear, one has only to listen; to accomplish, one has only to believe. I shall be in touch.

I waited a few days, and then sent this bone to the bannister:

I am pleased to advise you that my church elders have summoned me to Zurich; it is not likely that this summons means anything less than approval to proceed on behalf of the wishes of our cadaver-in-waiting. Oh, and Praise be unto Him, a flock member of my parish has a scanner, and has placed my passport into this computer, which I now send you.

This email results in a most appreciative response:

Thanks again, Rev, for your mail and zeal willingness to work in actualizing this transaction. Will you be able to travel to Amsterdam by November? Please advise me soonest, I haven't said all you must know to conclude. I await your swift response.

A weekend passes to gin up his anticipation, and then:

Praised be HIM! I return from Zurich with great news! I saved a bunch of money on my flock insurance by switching to Geico! What's more, the dioceses have approved both the expenditure necessary for your actualization, and my time off to make the sojourn to Amsterdam, to complete the process.

On this, I hadn't anticipated, but my elders insist, and I will as they so do: they insist that I deliver the payment you have advised -- $10,800, USD -- in cash, and in person, to the security company in Amsterdam, so that I may gauge his trustworthiness and man-of-Goddyness in person. To achieve this end for the mutual benefit of Mrs. Tracy Hatch, I am agreed, and put the rest in His hands.

I will email you soon my itinerary for travel.

So I spend a bit on the EuroRail website, researching train schedules, hotel accommodations, and whatever else I need to make my itinerary sound credible. Meantime, I get this:

Rev, this is good news! send me soonest your travel plans, and i will tell you the rest of that you must to know. i am confident of our mutual success for my client. she is pleased at your progress.

I reckon "she" is. So after putting together a credible itinerary, I pick the second week of November for to execute it. A day after sending it, I get this:

this is good, Rev, and will facilate the procedure. you will be met by a personal friend of mine and security company representative at the train station in Amsterdam. his name is Mark Antony, and he is their authorized representative to see to your needs and conduct all business to transfer of funds. please communicate with him at (yet another email address).

Time to play some more:

Bannister, it won't be YOU I am meeting in Amsterdam? Dear me, must we involve yet another party into this equation? I mean, well...if you say it necessary, then I leave it to Him to guide me. I shall copy this Mark Antony with this email, and await his response soonest.

Next day, I hear from Mr. Antony:

Mr. Mark Antony, Equity Finance and Securities BV: this is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail from our office. The charges of clearing your consignment is $10,800 USD to be brought and delivered in CASH. Therefore, you are expect to send us a copy of your international passport and bring with you documentation verifying you as designated consignee for shipment. Please also to send us a copy of your travel itinerary, so that our protocol officer can meet you at the station and conduct you to our offices. Awaiting your soonest response.

Up to now, no one has mentioned a "document" that I need to verify me as anything. A quick "huh? What document?" email to Bannister Daladi, results in me receiving one of the poorest-quality, 3rd hand documents I've ever seen in scambaiting. The copy I get has names crossed out and written over, like the consignment belonging to "Mrs. Susan Tracy", which is crossed out, and "Mrs. Tracy Hatch" is now written in....as is the amount of money due at consignment transfer. LMAO at these inept morons. But, the good Rev. U. R. Phulovit isn't going to mess with proceedings now; he notifies Antony as follows:

I am happy to have in my possession your response. The church elders will deliver to me the funds upon my arrival in Zurich early on November 15, and will escort me to the train. My travel and accommodation itinerary is as follows:

76ICE departs Zurich at 0802 arrives Frankfurt at 1153

126ICE departs Frankfurt at 1300 arrives Amsterdam at 1655

I am booked at the Hostel The Globe, Oudezijds Boorburgwal 3, Amsterdam Noord-holland

1012EH Netherlands for one night (November 15).

I return to Zurich via 125ICE and 77ICE accordingly, on November 16.

I am also attaching my passport and copy of document of verification. I shall be most inspired to meet your protocol official upon my arrival, and present the required documents and fees at that time. I am pleased that we are on the cusp of providing succor to a destitute widow of pre-cadaver status, and I thank you warmly for your part in the scheme of things.

After some back-n-forth chitchat, it is obvious that as November 15th draws near, the excitement and anticipation of the scammers is rising. Especially as I send them this in the very early hours of the 15th (timed to match the time zone differences of about 8 hours):

I am shortly off to Zurich. He smiles on those who go that extra mile for the benefit of others, and I know that His smile upon you is particularly obtuse at this juncture. You can be justly proud of that which you have arranged on behalf of Mrs. Tracy 'Susan Tracy' Hatch of Kuwait. I will look forward to my greeting in Amsterdam, and to feel as a fox amongst the hounds in my heart at the prospect. Please instruct your protocol official to have a sign with my name -- U. R. Phulovit -- so to ease my ability to find him upon my arrival. I shall be dressed as a man of the cloth ought to be.

None of my sarcasm registers, as I get an email from the bannister that, had I been truly duped, I wouldn't have read until my deluded return:

Thanks so much to you Rev. You are good man, and God almighty will bless you. Contact me when you return from Amsterdam, so we may arrange to meet to divide up the consignment, as agreed, so that my client's wishes can be met.

And this would be the last cordiality that would emanate from either the bannister, or Mr. Antony, as will be noted in the next emails, the first of which comes from Mr. Antony, followed by Bannister Daladi:

Attn: Rev. U. R. Phulovit pHd, Sequel to your mail of arrival information to our office, we made it a point to asign a protocol officer to receive you upon arrival at Central station, but he met an empty train that you were not on, and looked all over the station for you to no avail. he even wait for next train to clarify mistake, and you do not appear. He then sent staffi to your suppose hotel but yet you were no where be found, and he was not happy to be made fun of when he ask for you and you not registered. is your name real?

In view of the above, this indicated that you did not come at all. This is not funny matter, or one ot make joke of. We take you at your word. What is this now that happen? Respond soonest.

And..

YES TRUST AND HONESTY IS A THING OF THE MIND AND HAVE COME TO TRUST YOU WHY PLAYING ME?? BUT YOU MAKEING ME PEST OFF WHAT IS GOING ON??? WHERE ARE YOU KEEP ME POSTED????

Should I make up something elaborate to try to keep the game going? Eh...September 21 to November 16 is enough:

Mrs. Tracy-Susan Hatch-Tracy, Bannister Abudu "Voodoo" Daladi, Mark Antony, Cleopatra, et al:

Lady and gentlemen of dubious antecedence and intent: you are sooooooo right about trust and honesty. Too bad that you were badly lacking in both. But this is okay, since I follow a faith of forgiveness and forbearance, except when it comes to people like you, wherethen I follow a faith of piss off and annoy. It gives me immense pleasure, you telling me how your associates ran all over Amsterdam, looking for me. And your protocol officer, waiting at the train with a sign "U. R. Phulovit"....priceless. Especially since I had a man with a camcorder, following him all over (I didn't, but it was fun to let them think I did). Even HE was laughing aloud, which you probably mistook for water buffalo flatulence down by the water hole.

I do so appreciate you allowing me to waste about two months of your time. And that document full of strike-outs and cross-overs was almost as priceless! And this video of watching your lads, chasing their tails in Amsterdam...ah, does the heart good.

It has been a pleasure to have played you like a cheap game, folks.

Laughing in Liechtenstein,

Rev. U. R. Phulovit, pHd and Master of the Bait

I received one reply, and one only, from the email address formerly used by the Bannister, Abudu Daladi: you not laugh at us. you see.

Yeah, Bannister...I laugh. Now and forever more.

*2010 note: and still am ;-)*