Coffee Barf -- II

When I decided to take a step into the Great Stupid Beyond, I really wish I'd thought to have a recorder hooked up to my telephone. Had I thought to do that -- for those of you who remember the classic "Son of Cheeseburger" radio skit -- you would have perhaps had the audio pleasure of a four-five minute long cousin to it, "Son of Starbucks".

Alas, I didn't.

Anyway...you remember a few entries back, where I had a brief but well-laden-with-insults exchange with Dean John of Costa Coffee, over his bogus job offer. And after he told me not to *writ* him again, I asked what did y'all think would be the chances that I would *writ* him again?

Well, I did. From a different email address, and in a different guise. And as comes as no big surprise, he *hired* me. In his mind, to be his mugu. Problem was, he didn't reckon on what was in my mind. And in mine -- for those of you who don't know me, you're lucky -- I just don't play well with others. 'Specially others like him. More on that in a bit.

Now, for the seven years I've been duelling with these various and sundry email scammers, I have judiciously observed one rule that both law enforcement and other scambaiters tend to adhere to: never tell 'em who you are, where you are or give them your real phone number. NEVER!

Well, I didn't tell him who I was; for his purposes, I was Myra Manes (a great name to call a funeral home and ask to speak to). But I did give him a functional address and phone number. Mine. See, I wanted a trophy: the fraudulent money order(s). I could've wound up with something even better...if I'd recorded it. So you'll just have to settle for a transcript I wrote out after the call ended and I stopped laughing my ass off.

Don't even bother asking my neighbors what they think of what they hear out of this place.

Let's set the stage here: on or about August 6, I wrote back to Dean John (costacoffe701@yahoo.com) in the guise of Myra Manes, and inquired about his job offer. On August 8, he wrote me back and had me fill out and return a very brief "application", on which I used my address and phone number. Hey, if I could dodge a rattlesnake on Green Mountain, I felt able to handle these mugus on my terra firma, were they so bold as to follow up.

As I would discover, I was on better terra firma than I knew.

At any rate, I heard nothing back for 11 days. I figured something had gone amiss, or he was somehow on to me; perhaps he was an incarnation of Kelley Ko (who wouldn't communicate with Myra Manes, after Beholdt Myasma sent him a bogus WU from a similar email address).

Then, on Sunday, August 19, I received a notification from Dean that a Eugene Kline -- one of his US-based clients from the "northeastern pat of USA" -- was sending a "payment" to me, and that I was to notify Dean my receipt of this "payment". It was coming USPS.

Game on.

Up to now, Dean had been rather uncommunicative, and rather sparse when he did communicate; he still hadn't told me what was to be done with the payment when received. So I prodded him:

Mr. John,

Okay, now that the payment is on the way, exactly what am I to do when I receive it? I do need some instructions on this regard, don't you think?

Myra

That draws this response a day later:

Manes,
You are required to cash this payment from the Bank and send it to the name bellow (my personal staff) who is on a short visit to Republic of Benin for an Arts Exhibition through Western Union money transfer after deducting your 10% and paying for western union charges from my own part of the money.

Please bellow is the name of my staff, Anthony Ani, address 107 BP Place road, Cotonou Republic of Benin

Westen Union refrence number and senders information and exact amount sent allso will be needed. Alos note that the Western Union outlet might ask you a little question about the relationship you and the receiver, you tell them that they should just go ahead and have the money paid to him. PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU SPELL THE NAME CORRECTLY AND SEND IT OUT BY THE END OF TODAY!

I will be waited for the payments information so that he can easily pick up the payment at the outlet soonest.

In the words of Artie Johnson's character from Laugh-In, "very interestingk". At any rate, I decide to not wait for the delivery to be a tad nosy, as well as throw some other little things out there for Dean John to decide upon:

I thought you were in Britain? Why am I sending the money to Benin? I just want to know I am doing this right. As for the test question and answer, isn't that something you usually provide me with? I mean, I can make up my own, if you don't mind.

He gets back to me later that day:

Just send it where I tell you and all will be okay. I tell you my trusted staff is traveling in Benin on business so this good now. I will let you use test question and answer but you will send me these when you send me Western Union numbers and information okay. I wait for you compliant. Have a nice day.

As one will learn during the upcoming phone call, Mr. Dean John will rue the day he left the test question/answer to yours truly. Along with much else.

Comes Tuesday evening, August 21: Mr. Dean is most anxious about the payment:

Manes, have you send payment? I need information.

He want information? He get information...just not all of it:

I have dispatched the Western Union as you requested. The reference (or MTCN) number is 4377017734. I look forward to more transactions!

This is not exactly what he wanted to receive, as I find awaiting me early Wednesday morning this reply:

Thanks for the information received please get back to me with the EXACT amount sent senders text question and answer. I need this soonest.

So I have a leisurely breakfast...go do my Green Mountain excursion...run some errands...watch a couple DVD movies...and don't log back on. Now it's roughly 3pm my time, and my phone rings. Using my Caller ID, I see it's one of those "Unknown Name, Unknown Number" calls. Usually a telemarketer. It rings four times and goes to voice mail. No message left.

Two minutes later, it rings again. Same display. Same no message left. Telemarketers never call back that quickly.

About two minutes later...same call. So suspecting that it might be other than the average telemarketer, I prep myself....and answer the phone.

Next up: Coffee Barf -- III: Son of Starbucks