Ancestry.Aarrg

A true letter exchange from the 2007 archives...The old family tree. From family to family, it highlights and hides historical figures one can trace their ancestry back to. Sometimes, to the horror and anguish of current-day, heretofore unsuspecting relations.

Different members of my family have delved into our own ancestral heritage. My oldest sister, using computers to supplement personal visits and the work of other relatives, has unearthed genealogical connections taking our family tree back more than 50 generations. So far, no tree-dwellers in the mix, but she hasn't stopped digging yet.

Thus far, she's found a famous writer, a couple ex-presidents, a Declarant of Independence, at least four members of the Mayflower, and a strong branch of European royalty.

And therein lies the rub: whereas ignorance is alleged to be bliss, knowledge can prove annoying, especially when you discover that you've been stiffed.

Witness the following letter I dispatched to my 27th cousin, once removed, over an obvious oversight on a significant day in the extended history of the family:

April 21, 2005

The Prince of Wales/Duchess of Cornwall

London, UK

Dear Most Royal Highnesses,

First off, may I extend to you my congratulations on your recent nuptials. It probably isn't good in the royal scheme of things for a prince to go duchessless very long, and it is well that you have remedied that void before God and Country. Jolly good show.

Having wished you and yours the best, I must now -- with all due respect -- chide your Highnesses for a most untoward breach of family protocol: the abject failure to send to your blood relations an invitation to the royal wedding. Even if, in practicality, we couldn't have attended, it's the thoughtlessness that counts here.

Forget for a moment that we are former colonists; forget for a moment that we had a bit of a row with a former King over taxation with or without representation -- we know how little difference that makes nowadays -- causing some of our more disgruntled selves to toss a spot of tea into Boston Harbor. All of which manifested into a couple of shooting wars and some hard feelings at other times. Despite all that, blood is thicker than tea-polluted water, even centuries later.

Point of fact, Highnesses: we're cousins. I am your 27th cousin once removed. Your Royal Mum, Queen Elizabeth II, is my 27th cousin. We are both direct descendants of William I, King of England; he was the Queen's 26th great grandfather, and my 27th great grandfather.

Granted, the path of me and my family's genealogical roots did stray a bit from the royal tree over chronology: after William I, a Duke of Normandy, a Count of Flanders, three Lords of Wignmore and three or four Knights, my lineage did dilute a tad. Well okay, more than a tad. Fact is, it diluted a great deal, as I'm now a mere lower middle class taxpayer. Nonetheless, we are bound by blood roots of the stoutest order.

Despite the slight, I and my family will forgive your Highnesses this breach of protocol; no doubt it was one of your royal subordinates who dropped the royal ball regarding the invitations, probably afraid of a "King Ralph" episode. But this brings me now to the real reason I have undertaken writing to you. And that is, what would you and the Duchess like in the way of a wedding gift? I had three possibilities in mind:

-- a blender (the generic gift, given by the unimaginative)

-- his and hers pot holders (ditto)

-- a Wal*mart gift card (pretty highly regarded in some parts of the former royal realm)

To be sure, a Wal*mart gift card might not be terribly fitting in the confines of Buckingham Palace, but I understand there might be one coming to Piccadilly or somewhere thereabouts, soon. Here -- like meadow muffins in dairy country -- they're all over.

At any rate, your Highnesses, let me know ASAP which would be your choice, and I'll see to it with familial expedience. After all, why let a little thing like being stiffed at such an important function, diminish our ties that bind?

Best wishes from us commoners to our royal cousins.

It took a month and a half, but here's the reply I got:

CLARENCE HOUSE

LONDON

FROM: The Office of TRH The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall

Date: 13 June 2005

Dear Sir,

The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall have asked me to thank you for your letter of 21st April.

Their Royal Highnesses have been overwhelmed by the incredibly kind letters and cards they have received in connection with their marriage, and they were immensely touched that you should take the trouble to write as you did. Your generous suggestion of a wedding gift was immensely kind (what kind, I'm sure she was loathe to say) however Their Royal Highnesses have made it a rule not to accept wedding presents from those not known to them personally. Therefore your kind thought is gift enough (see what they just did there?).

The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall have asked me to send you their warmest thanks and very best wishes.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Claudia Holloway

Turned down a Wal*mart gift card, eh? Shocking, I know. But that's royalty for you. Even when it's "in the family". Sorta.