Get A Job

*A short revisit to a 2006 classic*

I'm usually the recipient of no end of efforts to give me the business from Nigerian 419 email scammers. But for the first time in my career with these types, I am being solicited for placement assistance.

They don' know me vewy well, do they?

And get this: the requestee is Queen Lizy of Nigeria.

Feast your eyes on the following I received from Her Royal Painness:

queen lizy (queen_4nigeria@yahoo.com) writes:

Hello dear,

am here to congratulate you, and complement of season, my dear how is work and thing around you. I know that I don't no who you are, but I want to know you more, please dear I need help from you, to asist me to get ajob. I am queen from nigeria, I need asistant to go out side the country. my dear I will be grateful to hear from you soonest. thanks and God bless.

So now I'm Monster.com? Well, maybe I am...in a manure of speaking:

Dear Queenie:

This is somewhat new for me, Your Royal Lizy: I'm used to being offered the business hyar, not helping one get some. And I don't recall having solicited for resumes from royalty of diversified antecedence, but I am sometimes up to new and enlightening experiences of the online kind.

I must say that I am moved like a bowel that you chose me to help you with your quest; first, I must undelude myself of the notion that a queen of Nigeria merely raises and claps her hand, and all the lights go on and off, the servants fetch and git, someone gets fired, a thousand silly little folks lose their farms, or their head rolls. Unless of course, the landless serfs are up in arms because some recalcitrant yutz is trying to shut down all those capitalist Starbucks coffee huts in Lagos. Come between the masses and their caffeine, and royalty is looking for a change of venue, and abruptly. But I digress.

After a careless perusal of your mini-missive, I am convinced that I have something for you, and it is something that I feel is a career enhancer that fits you to a tee. What I'm going to recommend to you is for you to put together an official resume -- done up in the same classical Nigerian royalty style as the cover letter you sent me -- and send it to Microsoft.com. What with Microsoft being the biggest software company in the world, they are in need of all kinds of levels of help; and you are uniquely placed to be able to help them test their grammar and spell-check software.

Especially the latter.

When you contact them, make sure -- and this is very important -- to tell them that Aph Lack sent you. This will get doors moving so fast, you'll think they're closing in your face!

Feel free to contact me soonest, when you've heard the good news.

If by chance Queen Lizy of Nigeria does follow up, I'll be more than happy to keep you apprised of my sudden career in placement counseling.

Mwhahahaha....

*2009 update: Queen Lizy didn't apparently like my job offer; but she or her handlers didn't do a very good job of checking the email addresses they sent to, since I got the same email THREE MORE TIMES in '06...and got no follow-up from any of my replies, which only got worse as the Skunk Monster.com Job Placement Service went steadily phfffft*