Dear Skunky - XIV

If not my theme song, it should be: storm chasing, scam-baiting, verbiage slaughtering, life-long bachelor, owned by a pet rock...yawp. If they're not yet coming to take me away, it won't be long...

Before I get to the gist of Dear Skunky XIV, here's some statistical stuff for you statisticians out there, who love this kind of numerological crap:

From May 1-May 31, I received (in one email account) a grand total of 127 email scams. That's not a typo. And yes, that was only in one email account. I have three others that receive scams, including the Russian bride scammers.

Of those 127 scam emails from May, they broke down as follers: 47 informed me that I had 'won' some kind of online lotto; 21 offered me 'jobs'; 11 were of the phishing variety; the remaining 48 were the general 419 type of offering me a percentage of millions, to help them get mythical money moved.

Of all of those email scams from this one account, I only replied to four. That's right: only four.

No, I'm not becoming an email scam snob. It's not that so many of these email scams are generally repetitive, and become boring and redundant after a time. Well okay, so they are. But in the month of May -- after having had an overabundance of some of the stupidest scammers this side of Uranus, or anyone elses' in April -- I decided to look for some different angle. And out of 127 examples, I found four, and only four, of exactly what I was looking for.

I knew that none of these four would result in any extended correspondence with the scammers; the affect of my intended reply to the scammers would see to that, I was reasonably certain. I wasn't disappointed.

But for the month of May, I decided to cue in on the title of the email. Especially if it were a stupid f***ing typoed title. Alas, I only had four contestants for the month of May, out of 127 registrants. Perhaps if I'd advertised this better, some of the others might have deliberately typoed, just to get a shot at a Dear Skunky appearance.

Maybe next time.

So, let's get onto the four contestants for May:

Contestant #1: Mr. Ken Johnathan (kenjonathan6@live.com), who simply wanted me to engage in a "lucrative business deal worth 12.5 million pounds". This was sent me under the email title, LAXATIVE BUSNESS POOPOSAL!!!

Either a very bad typo, or this dude's got a nicely twisted sense of ironic humor.

My reply was as short as his email: Wanker, what the bloody heck do I do with a "laxative busness pooposal? 12.5 million pounds of crap??? That's what you're bloody offerin' me, mate? Bugger off!

Bet he corrects that email header next time.

Contestant #2: Issa Bello (issa_bello02@bigmir.net) is another of those Burkina Fatso bankers, who wants my hep in moving funds of a daid customer from his bank. The guy's a piker, as the amount involved is only $4.3 million US; but his email title is sorta amusing: Urchin Respond Needed

Whadda I look like here, Red friggin' Lobster?

Yousa Bellow,

If you want an urchin to respond, write to a friggin* orphanage or aquarium. That's where you'll bloody find urchins, you third world moron. Don't you wogs learn anything about spelling, geography or biology? How the fork* can you be a bank president of anything other than an outhouse, with such abysmal ignorance?

* uncolorful metaphor substituted for what actually wuz sent hyar...

Contestant #3: Ladd. D. Arap (mrladd_arap2@gazeta.pl) has $76 Million US in gold, ensconced in a security company in the UK, and needs the help of a reliable "ferigner" to access it. This whole email is worse than that of a first grade class in Georgia, which is comparable to a class of high school seniors in the Denver Public Skools, but it's the email title that takes the cake: Pleese i need your assistant

No problem with this reply:

You can have my assistant. I never liked the fat little bastard anyway.

And finally, Contestant #4: Dr. Nasiru Ibrahim (nasiruibrahim90@yahoo.fr) is also a banker from Burkina Fatso, but at least he offers me more money than that other cheap twit ($22 Million US). But he does so under the most non sequitur email title: URGERNT ATTENNA!

WTF?

But that makes for an easy reply: SPECIAL! HURRY WHILE SUPPLIES LAST*!! SPELLCHECK PROGRAMS AT BONEHAIDS WHOLESALE SCAMMING WRITING SUPPLY!!! GET TWO-FOR-ONE SPECIALS WHILE THEY LAST*!!!

* limited to Burkina Fatso moronic bankers of dubious antecedence who have the brain of a door knob and don't know how to spell "urgent" or "attention".

So, who do you, the readers, think wins the heretofore unannounced contest for email title of May, 2008? Is it Contestant #1, #2, #3, or #4? Vote in comments, please. Voting closed by next posting (on or around June 13, 2008; all rights debatable).