Thursday, June 26, 2008

Tornado Chasing For Dummies -- Belated Disclaimer

In my last episode of TCfD, a reader seemed to imply in comments that I should have noted "no flies were harmed in the making of this episode".

She's probably right; something of a disclaimer is waaaaay overdue here, and I thank her for bringing this to my attention.

But she's wrong, regarding the harm part. Unlike some of my progressive acquaintances, I simply must be honest.

Hence, for any previous and any future episodes of Tornado Chasing for Dummies, the following Disclaimer will apply:

DISCLAIMER: the creators of the service upon which this blogger posts, the ISP that supports my internet access, the FCC, ADA, OSHA, EPA, the National Weather Service, SKYWARN, any professional storm chase organizations, TV, radio or Internet weather organizations, herein referenced or not, do not necessarily reflect, endorse or agree with any of the subject material related herein.

No claims will be made as regarding the harmlessness of any particular chase episode: in each case, flies were harmed. Splattered all to hell, in fact. And not just flies: moths, millars, dragonflies, bees, or any kind of flying insect that made untoward, deteriorative contact with my vehicle windshield or grill, were killed in the making of these episodes. No doubt, countless larvae were left in broken, one parent homes as a result, if not entirely orphaned. Perhaps even some orphaned pests were unjustly removed from the insect welfare rolls during one of these storm chases. My auto doesn't discriminate; it kills all entomological entities encountered equally.

Any small furry rodents, reptiles or avarian creatures that inadvertently made deteriorative contact with any portion of my vehicle during the aforementioned, and future episodes, were likewise rendered per se road killa. Further, I will not deny that during each and every chase, my carbon footprint has been thoughtlessly, shamelessly, exploited and expanded: I burn additional fossil fuels I wouldn't otherwise have burned. I consume sustenance from non-biodegradeable containers, which wind up in landfills, somewhere. I emit flatulence from that sustenance, and generate additional human waste byproducts that add to the human poop print. My auto emits comparable flatulence. My tires leave residue to seep into ground water and plugs sparrow beaks and mosquito nose-needles. By using 20th Century film as opposed to digital photography, I add to the landfill with further non-biodegradeables. Add to that chemicals used in the development of that film, that permeates both atmosphere and ground sources.

No actual persons -- other than moi -- events, historical or fictional, will be depicted herein. You will not get Bill Paxson and Helen Hunt, ala Hollywood, impossibly outrunning a rampaging EF-5 on the ground here. What I do depict herein will have actually happened, despite the ribbing and abuse it may result in at future family holiday gatherings, none of which will probably be any more environmentally friendly than my storm chases, but I digress.

I even have occasion to urinate on a deserted rural roadside, probably into a gopher hole, or on some endangered speciological critter that I didn't care was there when I did it, and couldn't care less how some field rodent is impacted by my carbon pee-print as a result thereof.

I don't drive a hybrid. I don't recycle. I don't buy "green". I run my AC in summer, and furnace in winter.

Granted, I'll never catch up to the carbon footprint that that moron AlGore generates. I think "global warming" and "human-caused global climate change" are the biggest hoaxes since William Jefferson Clinton's "it all depends on what your definition of 'is' is", and Hillary's Bosnian sniper affair, but I digress again.

Bottom line here: flies, et al, will continue to die during my storm chases. Phhhfft. Deal widdit.

However, as a sop to any of you who came unglued reading this greedy, mean-spirited Disclaimer: none of the following have (so far) been harmed during the making of these episodes: dolphins, whales, spotted owls, polar bears, turtles, anteaters, possums, Califorlornia condors, gay weddings, harp seals, fish, Al Franken, hamsters, snail darters, dodos, flying monkeys, cowardly felines, tinpersons, witches on bikes or brooms (ettu, Hillary?), midgit bowlers, hay bales, Fred Phelp's Wichita church freaks, mad cows, Chris Matthews, dreaming chickens, long-haired hippie-type pinkos, progressives, scarecrows, satchel-laden suicide bombers, Keith Olberman, abortions, activist judges, Hollywood celebrities with the intelligence of tree stumps, Randi Rhodes, ACLUians, the DNC, endangered feces, George Soros, Recreate '68ers (also see long-haired hippie-type pinkos), collectors for Hillary's campaign debt, Obama supporters, or any other categories not directly addressed but probably inferred. Such will be the case so's long as they don't wander into my path when I'm in hot pursuit of a tornado, and can't see sh** in front of me. And with the posting of this Disclaimer, they can't say they weren't warned, and didn't have ample opportunity to avoid me when I'm blindly hellbent in the middle of a butt-kicking supercell. I will, however, sue the snarf out of any of the above, if their ignorance of or intended interference with the activity requiring this Disclaimer, leads them into the path of my pursuit, and impedes my obtaining a photo of that for which I am expanding my carbon foot and other prints for in the first place.

*TOING*...Good to have that legal crap out of the way.


Blogger Two Dogs said...

This was very informative, but when I got to the part about Snail Daters, I got hungry and went to eat the last Spotted Owl egg in my refrigerator. The best part is Spotted Owl eggs practically make their own grease!

26 June, 2008 08:21  
Blogger Stacy said...

Thank god, I'll be able to sleep tonight knowing Al Franken and flying monkeys are safe.

27 June, 2008 15:10  
Blogger Debbie said...

Great post. It's comprehensive, but I'm sure you must have left out something. The Looney Left will find out what it is and come after you, ha.

On disclaimers in general, I love reading them. Why? Because you KNOW that some idiot probably DID the stupid thing that caused the disclaimer to be written.

"Never spray Raid directly into your eyes."

Why would you need a disclaimer like this? Because some idiot did exactly that. Think about all the disclaimers out there, one medicine, on installation directions for anything, on home cleaning products, on ... anything.

Somebody did something to instigate the disclaimer, because attorneys would probably never have thought of some of these stupid things on their own.

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

28 June, 2008 09:01  
Blogger Little Lamb said...

I hope some flies were harmed at any time! I hate flies! They are such pests!

30 June, 2008 03:58  
Blogger Serena Joy said...

We don't get so many tornadoes out here, but if you want to chase them and, in the process, harm some flies, moths, fleas, chiggers, rodents, cockroaches, fuzzy poisonous spiders, termites, fire ants, killer bees, disgusting larvae, and unidentified mutant killer fungi, come right on!:)

01 July, 2008 15:58  

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