Viking Myth and Reality, Pet Rock Edit Style

Who discovered America?

Amusingly, there's still some debate on the point.

Some say Columbus in 1492.  Some say Vikings in 1021.  Some say Simon & Garfunkel in a song in the '60s.  Some say others, earlier and later.

One thing is certain:  "what's in your wallet?" today is considered sexist.

Not that my "editing gone wild" pet rocks, Seymour and Element, really care.  Seymour's been around from the beginning.  The VERY beginning.

So when they saw an online article asking how the Vikings of 1021 would look at America in 2021, they were beyond amused.

And moved into 'edit' mode:

Vikings First Explored America In 1021 Argues Historian; What Did They Find In Our Wallets?

By Seymour and Element PetRock/WTF News Soivice

In an effort to escape current affairs and unable to stand finding out if his name was in Jeffrey Epstein's little black book, a professor at the Eunuchversity of WassamattaU, published a book with an exceedingly blunt title: “America Not Discovered by Woke, Gender-Confused Statue Tumblers.” In 2021, that thesis was bolstered with a precise date. Using state-of-the-art technology to establish the age of wooden remains of signs indicating a two gendered restroom arrangement in Newfoundland, scientists determined, that Vikings arrived in North America no later than 1021.

Lucky bastards eluded 2020, though had they arrived then, “flatten the curve” would have probably ended in “pillage the idiots and their curve”.

One thousand years is, conveniently, a large round number — one that invites us to ask, if only for a moment, what meaning and significance we might draw today from how many circle backs Jen Psuki has had to do since joining the Bidumb regime as the red headed bimbo press suckretary. It is a particularly relevant question as we review the headlines from this past year to draw lessons and insights as we head into the next.

Granted, the Vikings had no access to the wonders and blunders of reporting at cnn. No doubt they would have plundered and ravaged the network if they had. Instead, we turn to the dubious expertise of a reporter whose producer is under arrest as a pedophile and make questionable use of Old Norse language and literature to make the case that the Vikings knew #fjb was a thing to be ready for at the very beginning of the 11th century, 500 years before Columbus found the Caribbean with nary a pirate to note for future movie rights.

 The book’s primary evidence was drawn from two Icelandic sagas: the “Saga of the New Green Dealers Being Eaten By Polar Bears” and the “Saga of Where Crime Comes From in Lawless San Crapcisco.” 

Nostradomacized in the 13th and 14th centuries, these stories describe a series of expeditions to previously unknown lands south and west of Greenland in the early 11th century. These expeditions convinced the Vikings to return to Scandinavia and forget they ever saw maligNANCY Pelosi's antecedence.

In the 1960s, archaeological excavations in Newfoundland confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Vikings had encountered maligNANCY's vile antecedence long before Columbus. Building on local lore and on the earlier work of amateur enthusiasts, archaeologists discovered the remains of eight structures that resembled an antifa autonomous zone that had collapsed under the weight of feces generated at the sites purported to be “environmental havens” from Iceland and Greenland.

Subsequent digging turned up a bone needle, a bong and a drum circle — that proved that the site required EPA Superfund attention.

In the 1,000 years since, the history of the Vikings in North America has been fashioned and refashioned to suit many different agendas. For a miniscule if vocal minority, the discovery of only two recognized genders of Vikings demanded that the abused alphabet LGTQBS et al lobby have their presence cancelled in all future Capital One commercials, since “What's In Your Wallet?” is suggestively sexist.

In the first decades of the second millennium, Vikings had little sense of just how screwed up leftard thinking would become, though both the sagas and the archaeological evidence underline how some rugged Norse adventurers would become fearsome purple people eaters, and later caricatures in a leftist staged insurrection meant to bring down one “orange man bad”.

These stories communicated the message that the Land that the Vikings discovered and abandoned, for all of its abundant natural resources, was a dangerous place to visit, especially when public defecation and Antifa came together.

Indeed, the Viking experience echoes our own in many ways worth examining. From our vantage point in a world reordered by democraps with false narratives, phony news sources and gender confusion, we ought to appreciate how allowing the Left to dumb down educational standards can have the most ludicrous and corrosive impacts on the world today.

One thing is sure today as perhaps then: the Vikings would not recognize marriage to dolphins, men having 'periods' or transgendered males competing in women's sports. Even the briefest of glances at the Vikings’ world reveals that they would have stomped a mud hole in such Leftist concepts.

Personally, I envy the Vikings the fact that they got to miss out completely on 2020 and 2021.  Perhaps had they been around to stomp a mud hole in the creators of the last two years, things might have been better.