Not Always Ready

Sometimes, we're just not ready.

Things happen. We're not ready. Events happen. We're not ready.

Questions happen. We're not ready.

A few years back, I was present for the following: a young couple from Texas were checking out of the hotel attached to the casino I worked for. In the nicely decorated lobby over the fireplace, was a head mounting of a large animal. While the Mr. was attending to check out, the Mrs. was admiring the mounting. And then, in the presence of a half-dozen stupdefied listeners, she stated the following:

"That is the biggest elk mount I've ever seen!"

The Mr. heard this in abject horror, and hurried the check-out process along, while the rest of us witnesses did our best not to burst into laughter until after the young couple from Texas -- here in Colorado to elk hunt -- had left earshot.

The mount was a buffalo head.

On that occasion, I wasn't ready. To compound things, I tried to be mannerly, and barely managed to withhold my laughter until the couple was out of 'range'. But that 'quick wit and retort' that I was sometimes knowd for, wasn't ready when the 'moment' called for it.

You know the moment, I'm sure: someone asks a particularly astonishingly silly question, and you're so caught unprepared, the great comedic response opportunity is passed before you can impress with your stand up, comedic-improv timing. This happened to a small town cop I know, when a tourist pointedly asked him "at what altitude do deer change into elk?".

His post-incident answer -- "Trinidad" -- would have been priceless (to those of us who knew then that Trinidad was home to a human sex-change clinic), had he been ready with it at that moment. Alas, he wasn't...he admits being left in the "uhhh...what?" mode at the time.

Granted, I've had my opportunities at less than diplomatic moments: once, I was visiting the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo with my not-yet ex-fiancee. As we approached the turkey vulture display, my ex suddenly exclaimed "My God, that is an UGLY bird!".

One of the vultures -- apparently gifted with Robin Williams timing -- chose that second to take a rather loud, wet, gnarly dump from the top of the tree it was perched in.

Perhaps then, I should have experienced *lost opportunity-itis*. Instead, immediately following the vulture's "made for TV moment", I blurted out, "and apparently, the feeling is mutual!".

Relax...we were well on our way to her becoming my 'ex', before that ill-timed witticism.

I've had other moments where I was 'ready', if not always wisely-so. And more than a few where at the time, I was not.

The past weekend probably should have been one of the latter.

At work, I am not readily identifiable as an employee. That's due to the nature of what I do there. It's meant to be that way. Perhaps it'll work out for me in this case.

On my way to get coffee, I walked past a couple that were contemplating a row of video poker machines. Close enough to know I hadn't misheard the question, I heard one ask, "Is it possible to count cards on video poker?".

*Bite tongue and keep on walking* is what I should have done. But I didn't.

Slowing my pace for just a moment, I said to the both of them in rapid response, "uh, of course it is. And when you get to 1,000, you can start over".

The questioner gave me one of 'those looks' that suggested that she didn't find me funny, and said "I'm being serious". Her male attendant kept his barely straight-faced silence.

As I continued on my original quest, I responded back over my shoulder, "So was I".

Perhaps it was one of those times that I shouldn't have been ready, especially with the quick 'double raise' of my eyebrow.

Eh.