From The Anals Of Military Justice

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT FARTING, YOU SORRY BIG-ASSED JACKWAGON???"

For at least one theatre of operations, a biological necessity is allegedly NOT TO BE ALLOWED any more.

From the online publication Digital Journal, comes this gem:

The United States Marine Corps has banned audible farting in Afghanistan because it is culturally offensive to civilians working with the military and members of of the Afghan National Army.

Really?

That's interesting. I am given to believe that, in the Middle East, no one audibly farts in public. No one but infidels.

Alrighty then.

I'm not thinking that USMC legend Louis "Chesty" Puller would understand.

He wouldn't be alone, either.

One commenter to this story noted that "So now we understand that Muslims in Afghanistan are offended by the sound of anal gas explosions but are quite comfortable with beheading, stoning, female genital mutilation, pedophilia, amputations, and hanging or burning homosexuals".

Perhaps so...long as no one audibly farts during the commission of any of those aforementioned actions.

Another commenter noted that "Is this perfectly normal human function offensive only when it escapes from the body of an American? Are the natural born Afghanistan people immune from this digestive dilemma?".

Sadly, I can't answer that question personally; according to this article, it is best that I not venture to Afghanistan to make inquiries. 'Nuff said there.

The article concluded with this snippet: The ban on farting has not been confirmed by the military and no mention of flatulence could be found in the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

Confirmation from the former will, if confirmed, no doubt make for an interesting read. Perhaps the former is awaiting an addendum on the subject to the latter, before issuing a statement?

How might that read, one muses? Well, anyone who thinks they know me can imagine the *TOING* that went off in my thrice-concussed head.

Here's one idea:

Uniform Code Of Military Justice

Subchapter X -- Punitive Articles

Subparagraph (b) As Amended 08/2011 -- Afghanistan Exclusionary Clause

935.135 Discharge Of Anal Discharge As Dishonorable Discharge Of Same

It is unlawful for any member of the US Military, inclusive of civilian contractors directly/indirectly attached thereby, within the confines of the theatre of operations aforementioned, to knowingly or unknowingly discharge an audible flatulent episode for the purposes of biology or other odious purposes, within the discernible auditory range of Afghan military and/or civilian personnel.

It is further unlawful for any aforementioned member to, having inadvertently attempted an SBD* that failed the first third of the acronym, to attempt to blame the episode on local culinary fare, or on a camel or goat.

It is further unlawful for any aforementioned member to, having overlooked the provisions herein, to turn to a nearby associate and exclaim "Osama bin WHO?", in the wake of an audible episode that violates the aforementioned provisions herein stated.

I anticipate that, pending official authentication of the Digital Journal article, all JAG offices throughout the US Military will have had their Uniform Code Of Military Justices properly amended, as noted above.

Personally, but for the influence of the prissy politically correct crowd, I just can't see this as anything other than as a joke. But, if true, little will change for the DI pictured above, and her peers; but factoring in human nature, biology and the chow, one can assume that if this proceeds, the JAGs are gonna be kept REAL busy...

* Silent But Deadly