No WONDER South Park Hates This Movie

As I noted in a previous blog post, Hollyweird has problems with histree. It doesn't always work for their script writers, or hysterical revisionists.

Entertainment -- someone's notion of it -- must NOT be undercut by the more boring historical facts.

Let me be clear: I am a lousy movie reviewer. But that's okay; I tend to review lousy movies. Belatedly.

And I digress.

But first, let me digress further: Johnny Depp was not at Pearl Harbor. If he had been, you can bet that the makers of the bomb of a movie -- Pearl Harbor (2001) -- would have had him knock down a Japanese plane with his parrot. And he'd of probably made Kate Beckinsale, too. Arrrrr.

The director of Pearl Harbor (2001) -- the dude what purloined my name so I'd get phonecalls from folks wanting a shot at bad moviedom -- took a few characters, inserted a few real events, and mixed in all sorts of marginal plot twists and bad acting opportunities, to create an improbable (un)epic. While it was painful to watch from a historic and bad acting perspective -- and I didn't until about '07 -- it made a song in Team America: World Police, make me laugh for hours.

The precis: two lads grow up together, one idolizing the other, and they wind up in the US Army Air Corps, being trained by a famous and very historical character, the King of the Calculated Risk, Jimmy Doolittle. They both meet a nurse when they are joining -- before they've been through "arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-meeeeeeeeeeeee training, sir!" -- and one becomes her love interest after getting a double shot of his baby's inoculations. Then, just when things could get interesting, he decides to join the RAF to fight the Germans, leaving his life-long buddy behind, who then sorta-kinda knocks up the first guy's girl. The first dude comes back from the dead, by way of the English Channel and London pubs -- and the two friends fight over da goil widda bun in the oven that neither knows is bakin' -- the night before the Japanese screw up everyone's Christmas plans. Then, in the fire of the Japanese attack, they sort of get back to being friends amidst the CGI wreckage of Pearl Harbor. THEN they go on to 'volunteer' for a 'secret mission' and rejoin their historical trainer, Jimmy Doolittle, to fly two of the B-25s to bomb Japan. The girlfriend stealer ultimately dies (while the girlfriend listens in on the radio back at Pearl Harbor, to radio calls from the raid), and the original girlfriend-getter marries the girl and raises the friends' kid, and they live a life of bad acting happy-ever-after.

This duo is, I suppose, meant to loosely portray two US Army Air Corps pilots who would make a bit of a name for themselves on the morning of December 7, 1941. Very, verrrrrrrrrry loosely.

NOW...as with any lousy review of a lousy movie, where to begin...

*BUZZZZZZZZZZER* When the two lads were playing 'chicken' in P-40s during flight training, and at the suggested time being portrayed (1939-1940), Jimmy Doolittle was not training pilots. "Eh..details", as my name purloiner probably said. For that matter, pilot training was about a two year process at that time. But and again...details.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZER* The two pilots being loosely portrayed -- Lt. Kenneth Taylor and Lt. George Welch -- didn't grow up together. Didn't have the same girlfriend. Neither flew with the RAF. Neither flew in hawaiian shirts. They did react to the attack on Hawaii by getting to their planes -- parked at a smaller auxiliary airfield not visited by the Japanese that morning -- and did go onto, in their P-40 Warhawk fighters, engage and destroy 7 Japanese aircraft that fateful morning.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZER* After which, they did not go onto be solicited by Jimmy Doolittle to participate in the April 1942 epic raid on Tokyo. Pilots previously trained to fly the B-25 Mitchell medium bomber, and coming from the Seventeenth Bombardment Group (Thirty-Fourth, Thirty-Seventh, and Ninety-Fifth Squadrons) and Eighty-Ninth Reconnaissance Squadron, were used for that one.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZER* Yes, a lowly submariner type DID come up with a notion for bombing Japan, that eventually got the approval of FDR. But the lowly submariner NEVER made the pitch directly to the Prez. *BONK BONK bad script writer and worse FDR impersonator*

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZER* On the Doolittle Raid, radios were removed from the aircraft, to prevent inadvertent chatter that the Japanese could use to RDF (Radio Direction Finding) the aircraft, and be forewarned of the incoming raid. There was no 'plane to plane' chatter. And therefore *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZER* the nursey couldn't have listened in on the raid from Pearl Harbor, 'cuz NOBODY COULD. But, in this particular director's world, what good is a secret mission, if it's kept secret by silly sh** like 'radio silence'? That ain't fair! CALL WIKILEAKS!

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZER* On the Doolittle Raid, the planes did not bomb in sync, nor, once they were west of Japan, did they see each other or fly together.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZER* The Medal of Honor was awarded to Colonel Doolittle, NOT the bad-acting character poortrayed by Ben AFLAC.

I'm sure that, were I to subject myself to a second round of the movie, more *BUZZZZZZZER*s would result. But that was plenty enough.

Tho', it is with mirth that I listen to the soundtrack from Team America -- World Police, and enjoy hearing my name pilloried in the song Pearl Harbor Sucked, And I Miss You. Knowing, of course, that the song is directed at the director, not yours truly. But still...*grin*.

Bottom line: I give this movie one-half unfinished acting lesson. My pet rock, Seymour, just gives it a phffffffffffffffffffft. Though, he did think Kate Beckinsale was hawt. I tended to agree.

Next up on my lousy reviews for lousy movies...dunno. But there's no shortage of Hollyweird historical implausibilities. Look for a few more of these to take the place of the diminishing

scambait posts. Sorry, Prince Abdul Aba Hussein Achmed CamelPucky...youse demoted, finoke!