Gotz No Bananas

The phone rings a lot these days. I reckon it's primarily political stuff. Generally, I let my voice mail message handle things.

Occasionally, I don't. That's when my *bad Skunk* usually kicks in. More on that in a mo'.

Since my phone message of late is a bogus 9-1-1 "number has been changed to a non-published number" message, few messages are left, so it does pretty well when I wish to be left phone alone.

But sometimes, my curiosity gets the better of me. Like the other night. After a long, arduous day at work, I arrive home to a ringing phone. Which stops. And then, a minute later, starts again, perhaps suggesting a persistent telemarketer or bill collector, unknowingly calling a wrong number. I get a lot of those these days.

In the case of the latter, if I answer it, I quickly advise them it's a wrong number, I ain't Quido Sarducci, and that's that.

This particular night, I came home widda bit of a 'tude.

*TOING*

I answer it*. The following is a from-memory transcript:

Me: *in my Chinese voice* So sorry, got no banana.

Whoever: *sound of some kind of call center; voices* Hello?

Me: Herroooo.....so sorry, got no banana.

Whoever: Uh...hello? I am trying to reach *some spanish surnamed person*

Me: *switching to my really bad Cheech and Chong, hispanic accented voice* No habla gots

banana.

Whoever: Uh..sir. I am trying to reach a Jose Rodrigas...

Me: *maintaining the hispanic accent* No habla gots banana.

Whoever: Sir, I don't have time..

Me: No habla time telling banana.

Whoever: Sir! I want to speak to..

Me: No habla time telling banana.

Whoever: *speaking to someone in background*...Sir, just answer my question. Are you..

Me: No habla banana que.

Whoever: *sits and listens for a moment*...Are you Jose Rodrigas?

Me: No habla Rodrigas banana que.

Whoever: *raises his voice* SIR, THIS IS NOT..

Me: BAW-NAN-NAAAAAAAAAAAAA...que?

*Sound of phone hanging up on other end*

I can't speak for this Jose Rodrigas dude, but the caller, he gots no baw-nan-naaaaaa.

Que?

* Disclaimer: no dolphins, spotted owls or dodos were harmed during this phone conversation. Your results may vary. Platypus farts substituted for espanoel are perfectly non sequitur. 2-for-1 specials not applicable. Dealer prep and options extra, see your hoax and change dealer for nothing that matters here. Side affects during such calls may include ear wax curdling, collosal conglomerated masses of solidified mucus leaks, hair on one's teeth and persistent arm pit flatulence. If you experience any of the aforementioned, hang up and call America's Got Talent to request an audition.