From Russia...And Back

*A classic during the height of my dealings with Russian bride scamstresses in 2007, and a lesson in how to start and stop a relationship in one easy email*

Y'know...it ain't supposed ta woik dis way. But it dun went and did, anyhoot.

Somehow, I got me on one of them Russian bride online sites. Danged if I know how; the emails just started showing up. So when I firstI send one tongue-in-cheek reply to Ms Russian Bleenie Stuffer of 2007, I seem to have opened the bleenie-stuffing flood gates.

Oh well. As I seem to have opened the bleenie stuffing gates with one reply, I reckon I can close 'em, too. Here are three of the more recent 'applicants' to my profile (one I've never seen, or have a clue what it says).

Now, I didn't know what my original online screen name on the profile was; but when I replied to the first one as Le Skunk de Polecat, it apparently stuck. Thus, witness the following triad of responses to my latest three eager Russian brides-to-(not) be:

First, a short and sweet introductory letter from 'Sweet Lana':

Dear Le Skunk de Polecat,

I'm waiting for your call...

Uh, Sweet Lana -- brevity is her forte -- as she's pictured h'yar as the one in pink with strategic or unfortunate hand placement, depending on your outlook or whatever email program you run.

My opportunistic response:

Well, horsefeathers!

Here you are, all set and ready for my call, even ready for a cable hook-up. And here I am, all outta nickels!

Ain't that just the curd and way of it?

Le Skunk de Polecat

Next up -- and a touch more expansive -- was the flaming redhead, Elena:

Hello, dear Le Skunk de Polecat! How are you?

I hope very well!! I?m very sociable person and that?s why I have a lot of friends. The way I spend my free time depends on my mood. I like to travel and learn the world round me, make new friends. I?m full of energy I like to dance very much and much tine I spend practicing sport. I like to cook very much and I put a peace of my soul into every dish (*TOING*), that?s why the meals I cook are so tasty. I like theatres and museums, often go to different concerts and exhibitions. Do you like outdoors?

I hope you are tender, kind, careful and loving man. You, like me, love nature, good rest and always think about your family. I love children and I want you to be ready to start strong and friendly family, and what about you (dang..she's actually gonna ask me after that?). I?m hardwork and live good life. this is want I want also for my future family. You must be the best example for our children! Write me! Kiss to you!

I was once told about being blindsided when I least expected it, but being trampled and stampeded isn't the same thang. But I'll go ahaid and base my ree-sponse on one aspect of her resume:

Awwww...Elena, you blowd me a kiss. And spit all over me. Can I have a towel?

As for tender, they don't come any more tender than me; yep, at 5 feet tall and 400 lbs, I am as soft, tender and rolypoly as they come or breath hard. Bearing that in mind, it is good that you cook much good. I eat much gooder. I eat much bad. I just friggin' eat. I wish be biggest bleenie stuffer this side of Kursk. And yes, I do like the outdoors; one day, I hope to find a wheel barrel that will carry my bulk out there.

As for to set good example for "our kids", first we have to play some serious hide the bleenie, then maybe we have some kids for me to set good examples for. Of what, remains to be seen, along with parts of me I haven't seed since 300 pounds came and long since got overlapped by more.

I best say now you get the top when it comes to bleenie stuffing, 'cuz otherwise you'll look like a redheaded possum on a Mississippi highway in July. Which could be good widde right fixin's, but I digress.

BTW...dye your hair. I hate redheads.

Cain't wait for what you'll blow me next, hooba dooba.

Le Skunk de Polecat

I think I hear a few disgusted *oinks* out in the audience...

Don't worry; I don't improve a lick (pun intended) with Tatiana (the other one in pink with her hair up):

Dear Le Skunk de Polecat...

Requirements?! How can I know what are you look like?! I just know that you are here, so close and so far in geography, and I?m sure we will recognize each other. The main thing to be as we are, to be natural, to trust your heart and please do not forget that I?m waiting for you!!

Dunno where she got this requirements thing, but I'm betting she ain't waiting for me or my 'requirements' after this reply:

Tatiana,

You hotzi totzie, multi-syllable wench! Requirements, reschmirements! What are requirements, but verbiage that gets in the way of really hot pig sex? Of course, I understand you wish to know my looks. So I tell you, my little light at the end of Chernobyl: I am tall -- over 7 feet -- and weigh a robust 135 lbs. I'd break that into kilos and centimeters, but danged if I didn't complete my third grade cyphers, so it's hard for me to make metric. But that ain't the kind of hard I reckon you have in mind, my radioactive steppes blossom, hubba hubba!

In not-so-short, I look like a mix of Yao Ming, Johnny Depp, and Twiggy. Throw in Mr. Potato Head for slaps and giggles, and that's me all over, especially after I stepped on a land mine.

Now, geography...what IS geography? Two spots on a map of the world. It's inches, baby. Inches. Not like me, but I digress.

Tell me more about your form as if it's a map of the world, and I'll tell you how good global warming could be wid me, badda bing! We're raise more than temperatures doing the bleenie hokey pokey, Tatiana!

Write me more about how you wanna be my Mary Ann on Gilligan's Gulag! Won't be no Minnows in that lagoon! Hooha!

Le Skunk de Polecat

In the paraphrased and revamped words of a character from a 1960s John Wayne movie, "I'll say one thing for that long-winded jackanapes...he does know the short way to stop a relationship".

And the lack of response from all three of my Russian bleenie stuffettes proved that! Hooba dooba.