An Opportunity Gone ASkunk

I think I'm graduating to official curmudgeondom h'yar.

Not a week into the new year, I got me one of them things, knowd roundabouts as "opportunity knocking". I should have suggested they use a higher grade of gas, but I digress.

Mr. Joseph Johnson sent me a "JOB AVAILABLE!!!" opportunity, which said:

Do you need a part time job? I know the economy is not good for many of you in the USA and I am looking for someone who can handle my personal and business errands at his/her spare time. Someone who can offer me these services: mail services: receive my mails and drop them off at UPS (nothing ellegal) shop for Gifts Bill payments sit for delivery (at your home) or pick items up at nearby post office at your convenience. Let me know if you will be able to offer me any/all of these services.

Opportunistic as (almost) always, I checked my dossier of characters, and found that Ben Dover wasn't doing anything just now:

Send me some details...sounds like easy money to me.

It took him four days -- probably swamped with applicants -- but he finally got back to Ben:

Hello....get back to me with details requested and you can also reach me on this phone (it started with country code 44 -- the UK).

You note the dearth of "details requested". I reckon I got me one of 'those' scammers, whose a bit lean betwixt the ears. So Ben heps him out and asks for some:

I'll be happy to provide you with details, when you get off your font and tell me what they are. You don't have dementia, do you?

A day later, Joseph responds without admission of error or dementia, asking me for full name, full home address, full city (as opposed to a ghost town, I guess), full zipcode, full phone number, and full age.

*Urp*...I'm full. And I..er Ben...fully complied (with some previously used info of little use and less so to a census taker). And an hour later, Ben got this:

Thanks so much for the informations so I will inform you immediately the payment has been sent out ok thanks.

And there things sat, with not a peep from ol' Joseph, until Ben sent him a "wazzup?" prod on Monday, January 25. A day later, Joseph responds:

thansk so muchf ro the mail but i assure you that you will receve the payment this week so imemdiately you got it do get back to me and let me know.

I'm glad to see that Joseph's email quality ebbs and flows as opportunity's knock becomes increasingly despondent...but we finally start getting down to it after Ben sends anuddah prod on January 26:

Dang, Joseph, it FINALLY arrived with my Enzyte prescription. Some of the font on the check is enlarged, so I think some of the prescription spilled on it. But no matter, I'm still grinning like Bob...anyway, now that I have it, what am I to do? Instructions, please.

From here on, no commentary, just the emails as they wuz (with his in bold, and mine in italics):

Thanks for the email and good to know you have recieve the payment, this goes to show your level of honesty and utmostness (I know what I said, but WTF??? My "utmostness?") am proud to work someone like you. Now you have fund you is must cash it and take for you $400 for you. The remaining balane will be transfered to a furniture company i have some supplies with in Moscow Russia, and you will be handle further task on that i will keep you post. You are must transfer balane to person i say here:

Adesina Tosin Nelson

24 Voldograsky Prospect

Moscow City

Russian Federation

You is endeaver get back with me all the needed Westren Union details to recieve the funds as soon as you recieved the funds...thanks again you utmostness and honesty.

Joe, I am giddy at the prospect of my utmostness being that which you say it is. And here I thought I hadda dearth of that kind of sh**. I gots utmostness. I am blessed. At any rate, I have your explicit instructions, and will make the utmostness of them with expedience and platypussedness throwd in for good measure. I find verbosity aids the visual digestive tract in these things, don't you? Soon as the deed is did, I be lettin' you know with utmostness.

Ben, i really apprecate you keep me update and this good you do with utmostness. do not forgive to get me back the westren union detail that is needful for make this happen.

No worries, Joey, I got your utmostness covered. Email confoundation to come soon, I promise.

Ben, i not to here from you soonest. is there no problem to be told?

Not a problem in the utmostness, JJ...the Western Union is confounded like a three-donged goat in a ewe convent. I will await my next assignment with sincere utmostness.

Ben, i am needful of the westren union informatons to make done this transactions. please to send them soonest.

JJ, it's covered. The Western Union went with utmostness to Adesina in Moscow City, just like you said for me to. Heck, drop a few drachmas, or whatever the Russkie money is called, and check with her. Ready for a new one!

Ben, it is needful of me to ask for the westren union informations from you. it is the mtcn numbers on the recept you have got from them. I am in need of soonest of this informatons please.

JJ, I sent it to Adesina. Ain't SHE the one what's needful of that stuff? You just line me up another job. I crave commissions like a three-donged goat hates ewe chastity belts.

Ben, this strangeness from you is make for me uneasy now. i like for you be honesty and utmost now, and give me mtcn i ask of you soonest. time is not aside for us.

Uh, JJ...time is WHAT? Explain, please.

Ben, i need NOW the mtcn. give it me please.

Whoa, JJ, give it a lube job and a tire rotation...explain to me first this time thing you threw into my pumps...what in the Maggie Thatcher are you talking about?

Ben, this is not utmost like befor now...please stop delay and give me mtcn soonest.

JJ, I told you that you told ME to -- with utmostness -- send the money to Adesina. That is what I done. Why do YOU need the mtcn thingee you keep harpin' on?

Ben, is my bussness to run, and you is hire to work for me. now please understand and do as i am tell you NOW. give me mtcn soonest.

Mtcn, mtschmeen, I ain't got it, JJ. When I sent it with utmostness, I didn't keep the receipt thing. I reckoned Adesina was smart enough to know what to do at the Westren Unionski there in Moscow.

YOU NEED THE MTCN RECEPT TO GIVE ME. I AM MOST PATRUBED AT YOU. GO BACK TO WHERE YOU WIRE FROM AND GET COPY IMMEDATE!

Piss up a rope, JJ. It's Sunday, and I am at rest, as my utmostness of Maker decrees. Phfft. It'll wait until tomorrow.

DO NOT LET ME DON, BEN...I AM NOT PATENT MAN FOR THIS!

Well, get some...hospitals are full of the kind of patience you seek.

BEN, I WAIT FOR ALL MONDAY AND YOU NO SEND WHAT I DEMAND! I HAVE YOU ADDRESS AND NAME! IT IS NOT WISE YOU NOT DO AS TOLD!

Well, JJ, to be perfectly utmostness with you....there ain't a Westren Union mtcn to send you. I didn't wire the money.

YOU MUST WIRE NOW!!! NOW!!! YOU WILL FIND BAD TIME YOU NOT DO THIS!!!

JJ, forget it...after cashing the check, I ran into a high school flame of mine, Wanda Wadderpriceiz, and well...danged if she ain't a high-grade call girl...that's a skank in the UK, I think. Anyway, she looked sooooo good...well....I blew the whole wad for a night of mindless passion with Wanda, JJ. But not to worry, you can write it off as business shrinkage. So let's move on to the next transaction! I am ready in the utmostness!

YOU HAVE CROSS ME BAD YOU MAKE DO THIS! I MAKE YOU SORRY YOU DO THIS BEN DOVER!! YOU KNOW A DEAF THEAT MEAN TO YOU? MY MONEY OR YOU FIND BAD TIME NOW!

I don't reckon it'll be as bad a time as that three-donged goat in a ewe convent is having, JJ. But my ninja pet rock, Seymour-san, eagerly awaits your best efforts.

I am disappointed to report that Joseph Johnson stopped replying to me, even after 'Seymour-san' send him a "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-YAHHHHHH!", followed (unbeknownst by Johnson) by a pet rock rolling around on the floor in agony, 'cuz the styrofoam cup didn't even crease...

"Did TOO!"

At any rate...another opportunity lost. I tell you, in this economy, how many more such opportunities can one Skunk afford to let slip with utmostness?