Anatomy of a Deja Vu

*From the 2007 archives, an oldie but a reprised goodie*

Some scammers never seem to learn.

Roughly a week after I had disposed of Mr. Kelley Ko of KelleyKo Fabrics and Textiles (see the Anatomy of a Piss-off series), as well as George Nyerere and his odious colleagues, they were back again.

Not to badger me about how I'd dun 'em wrong; but with the same scam offers, all over again. And sent to the same email address as before.

Talk about attention-deficit disorder.

In the case of George Nyerere and new friends (but same old bank that I'd gotten fired previously), I used the same email address to respond from, but just reversed my initials on all out-going emails (instead of URP, I was PRU). That situation is still on-going, and took a turn for the surreal, but that's for later.

When it came to Mr. Ko, I decided to hit him again, but from a different direction. So I created a new email account. And out of the archives, I dug up an identity sent to me by a scammer who'd tried me four years ago prior, and stupidly sent me photo copies of the passport and ID card he was using, before he realized I was playing him. Once in a great while I hear from this particular scammer, as he sends out a new series of the same old scam: I usually write back to him as him, castigating him for trying to steal his identity and violate his/my rice bowl. That usually shuts him up (by confounding the snarf out of him, I hope). But I digress.

So Kelley Ko (kelley_ko6@yahoo.com) sends me the following email...again:

Would you like to work from home and get paid weekly? If you are interested get back to us promptly. Best regards, Mr. Kelley Ko, Employment Co-Ordinator (KelleyKo Fabrics & Textiles)

He also has a website (if you'd like to see cheap and sleazy): visit http://www.kelleyko.co.uk/index/html

So from my newly-established email address, Mr. Ko receives this:

Sir:

I am interested in this offer to give me some of your business. What are the details and how am I compensated, prease.

Masato Chan

A couple days later, I...er...Masato gets this reply:

Dear Masato,

The company has been waiting to hear from you. You are aware that the US market is a very competitive one (for scammers, I'm sure) and we have to get a representative/book keeper as soon as possible so that we can get things going in the States. We have oustanding payments from our clients in the States and we need these funds to purchase new stock of material. This is a lucrative job offer as you will be getting 10% commission on every payment you cash on behalf of the company. Get back to us with the following information right away, so that we know if you are interested in the job offer:

First Name:

Middle Name:

Last Name:

Addrress:
City:
State:
Zip:
HOme Phone:
Gender:
Marital Status:

Age:

Nation of Origin:


I was prompt in reply:

Sir:

I will fill out your apprication and await your decision:

First Name: Masato
Middle Name: Gyaaa
Last Name: Chan
Address: 135 Townsend Street
City: San Francisco
State: CA
Zip: 94107
Home Phone: (I purloined one from the AT&T Park office/ballpark complex, across the street from the address I used)
Gender: Male
Marital Status: Married (no kids)
Age: 55
Nation of Origin: USA (parents were Chinese immigrants)

I do have to mention one thing which I hope won't affect my emproyment status: I am hearing impaired. I cannot hear on the phone. If you cannot use me with this handicap, I wirr understand.

As if any handicap will stop Kelley Ko from snapping up any potential sucker:

Dear Masato Gyaaa Chan,
Hope that you are doing good. I got your email and I wish to inform you that your information has been well recorded by the company and it will be forwarded to our clients. We will let you know once we hear from any of our clients regarding a payment to the company. The company is aware of your condition and we do not feel that it will hinder you from working for the company. Your job is very simple and straight forward: you will acting as the company's representative in the US. You will be receiving 10% commission on every payment you handle on behalf of the company. We will let you know where to wire the company's balance when you have received any payment. The company is in dire needs of funds at the moment and we are counting on you to handle all payments on behalf of the company very promptly. We have to obtain funds to purchase new stock of materials to enable us meet the orders placed by our new customers on schedule as we cannot afford to loose them. I will get back to you soon.

So I get back to him sooner:

Sir:

That's all there is to honorable apprication? I am hired? Okay-san...I will await your notification of first crient payment.

Two days' pass, and then it's time to revisit ol' deja vu'sville with KelleyKo:

Masato:

I wish to inform you that there are further incentives attached to your job position as the company's representative in the US but this depends on your performance. And I wish to inform you that you will be receiving your first payment on behalf of the company tomorrow July 10th. We just received a message from our client saying that the payment has been mailed out to you by UPS. This is the tracking number: 1Z46FE371598365502. Look out for it and make sure that you get it. Once you receive the payment, you are to wire the company's balance right away after you have deducted your 10% commission. Go to a Western Union Money Transfer Agent near you and wire the company's balance to the names and addresses below as I have stated:

Julian Briggs, 768B Bath Road, Hounslow, Middlesex, London TW5 9TY, UK

$2,000

Lisa Evans, 45 Central Road, Wembley, Middlesex, London HA0 4HN

(send to her the rest of the balance)

They are the company's purchasing agents here in the UK. I will be waiting for the wiring information of the company's balance as I have instructed now by Western Union.

Ever the dutiful employee, I respond thus:

Master Ko:

I have printed a copy of your instructions so that I can handre this as you have detaired it when I receive the money order. I wirr advise you accordionry when I have it, and when I have executed it.

A day later, Kelley tries to convince me he's dutifully tracking the UPS shipment:

Dear Masato,

I just tracked the mail our client sent you and I can see that they have been trying to deliver the package to you all morning. They are having a problem with your address. Go to the nearest UPS office near you right away and demand for the mail in your name. The company is counting on you to take care of this payment right away.

And so the 'fun' begins:

Sir:

I don't know why they had a probrem with the derivery, so I will go pick it up. Stupid UPS drivers in this town! Can't read or write with the education system we have here. I have some errands to run and I wirr stop by my bank to deposit money order, and then get things executed as promised.

My 'employer' signals his appreciation of my efforts:

Dear Masato,

I got your email and the company appreciates your efforts. The company is counting on you, as we are in dire need of funds for new materials for our clients, and we have other outstanding payments pending for you to take care of. I will be waiting for the wiring information of the company's balance by Western Union.

Now we find out if he's really tracking a UPS shipment or not:

Mr. Ko,

I have picked up the package. I will notify you when I get my job executed as directed.

It becomes obvious with this reply that Mr. Kelley Ko is not tracking anything UPS, and is getting impatient:

Dear Masato,
The company has been waiting to hear from you. Please back to me ASAP.

So I ASAP him:

My humbre aporogies for not getting back soonest. Wednesday was a most busy day for me. Anyway, once it opens, I am going to my nearest Money Gram office to wire the funds. I wirr advise you when this is done.

Since he repeatedly insisted I use Western Union, I expect to hear something about the use of Money Gram. But nawp:

Dear Masato:

The company would prefer you use Western Union Money Transfer wiring, but Money Gram is okay too. Please notify me ASAP the wiring information and refrence number.

Now the fun REALLY begins:

Sir:

My aporogy for the deray. Here is wiring information via Money Gram:

Jurian Briggs, 768B Bath Road, Hounsrow, Middresex, Rondon, TW5 9TY
$2,000, reference # 29430650

Risa Evans, 45 Centrar Road, Wembrey, Middresex, Rondon HA0 4HN
$1525, reference # 29430651

Not a comment about the dropped "L"s; but there does come a comment about the information:

Subj: FALSE INFORMATION

Masato,

What is going on here. The wiring information you send me of the company's balance does not exist. Let me emphasize to you that the company will go to any length to secure its funds. Get back to me ASAP.

Hooha:

Sir:

What? What you mean the wiring information is farse? I send it! How is information farse? Exprain prease, before I go back to Money Gram rocation to inquire.

Now Kelley Ko starts looking more into my apprication:

Masato,

Listen to me very careful. I have tried calling the phone number you provided and the person that picked it says that it is a wrong number. You have 24 hours to wire the company's balance as I have instructed earlier. The purchasing agents got to the Money Gram outlets and were told that there is NO history of any transaction with the information you provided. Wire the company's balance by Western Union Money Transfer today, as you were instructed, or we will be forced to take acition. You have been warned.

Oooooooh...shakin' in my knickers hyar:

Sir:

Now just a minute. First, didn't I terr you I was hearing impaired? We no have conversation if I were home and you knew how to diar a number. Second, how I know you not misdiar the number? Rady you had speaks with say you diar wrong number.

Second, the Money Gram transfers were made. They take the money. They give me reference numbers and receipts. I have them. It's done. I know it done, cuz I do it. So I ask you: how do you know you can trust your purchasing agents? How you know they not get money and rie to you about it?

Until you make thorough check of your peopre there, I have no more to say.

Since I referenced the Money Gram receipts (which I didn't bother making up), Kelley jumps all over that:

Masato,

Scan the MoneyGram receipts for the transactions that you claim you made and send to me right away. I am waiting for it.

More deja vu fun hyar:

Sir:

I don't rike what you impry: "that you craim that you made"? I don't "craim" anything! I send money via Money Gram. This is FACT. With your unpreasant attitude, I no send you receipts now. I think probrem at your end, not mine. I await your aporogy.

Kelley no want to aporogize:

Masato,

THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. Send me the receipts NOW so that I can get to the root of this. I say again THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Phfffft. My ass:

Sir:

No, I no send. Not untir you aporogize for your unwarranted and accusatory tact with me. I have met my obrigation to you as instructed, and you just bustin' my barrs, just busting my barrs, Mr. Ko. I say again I bereive some dishonesty from your purchasing agents. You best get to root of probrem there, and aporogize hyah.

Kelley has had enough of Masato Chan with this repry:

Subj: YOU ARE LIAR!

Masato,

IT IS VERY CLEAR TO ME NOW THAT YOU ARE PLAYING GAMES. I HAVE PERSONALLY CONTACTED MONEY GRAM AND I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE REF NUMBER YOU SENT ME ARE ALL INVALID. THERE IS NO HISTORY OF ANY SUCH TRANSACTION AT ALL. I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THE COMPANY WILL GO TO ANY LENGTH TO SECURE OUR FUNDS FROM YOU. WE ARE GOING TO CONTACT THE POLICE RIGHT AWAY AND YOU WILL SURELY PAY. WE HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION TO GET YOU. IN YOUR OWN INTEREST, THAT IS IF YOU LIKE LIFE, SEND THE COMPANY'S BALANCE RIGHT AWAY. I AM VERY DISSAPOINTED IN YOU!

Don't you just hate when you disappoint someone? Well, maybe not when they're someone who doesn't matter.

After a day of letting Kelley stew, and one more MASATO I AM SERIOUS BUSINESS NOW..SEND MONEY OR ELSE! message, I let a little light show on Mr. Ko:

Dear Kelley Ko:

Okay, it's time to confess here. You're right: I didn't send any money via Money Gram. Nor am I gonna. You were right about me; I made up the reference number. You see, I am a bit of a cad. I am many things, including flatulent and thrice-concussed, but I am also gifted with -- or cursed with, I report, you decide -- an ornery sense of humor. So I decided to accept your offer, knowing it for what it was, and spend some of your time just totally pissing you off. Why? 'Cuz I could. And did.

But it gets better, Kelley...really, it does. And here's how it gets better: Kelley, you and I have met online before. That's right, fella. You sent me your bullshit job offer before. And I responded to it, then as now, and played you like a cheap ukulele. You see, you know me now as Masato Chan. But a short time ago, you also knowd me as U. R. PHULOVIT! THAT'S RIGHT, BUNGHOLE! I AM U. R. PHULOVIT! Thank you once again for playing Who Wants To Be Shown To Be A Stupid Online Scammer?

And just like the previous series of emails we exchanged, THIS SET WILL BE POSTED ON THE INTERNET AS WELL! I will allow the whole Internet world to see that you're not just a bloody buffoon, but a BLOODY DOUBLE BUFFOON! And I am including that cheeseball website of yours, so everyone online will know you for the CROOK AND SCAMMER THAT YOU ARE!

How do you like them fabric samples, wanker?

You have not been just a pleasure, Kelley Ko; you've been a double dumbass pleasure!!

Go ahead, Tree-Stump-Brain: send me another one!!! I'll go for the hat trick!

U. R. Phulovit/Masato Chan/???

I got back one more message from his email, but with no subject header and no text. I do believe I left him.....syntaxless ;-)

Thanks, Masato Chan, wherever you are.

*Note: in early '08, Kelley Ko DID send me another of the same emails; and I played him again, though he caught on to the game faster, and didn't give me the pleasure of more threats of legal action...dang it ;-)