Hey, They Wrote ME, First...

It isn't my fault they didn't like my response; THEY solicited ME. All I did was comply widda request.

If ya don' mean what you ask for...then don't ask for it.

There I wuz, mindin' my own bidness, when one day-off afternoon, I gets this email with the header, Call for Papers. It was sent to me by what claimed to be Journal of Public Administration and Policy Research.

Okay, what could they possibly want from me, you ask? Me ask that, too. Even my pet rock, Seymour, figured it was the email equivalent of a wrong number, and I shouldn't answer it, like I did that last one. In fauxGerman.

Here's what they had to say:

Dear Colleague (I always HATE it when they call me that, and I am protocol dysfunctionally not sure how to colleagueally respond),

The Journal of publich administration and policy research JPAPR) is a multidisciplnary peer-reviewed journal published that will be monthy by Academic journals (it gives a web address link) JPAPR is dedicated to increasing the depth of the subject across disciplines with the ulitmate aim of expanding knowledge on the subject. JPAPR will cover all areas of the subject. The journal welcomes the submission of manuscripts that meet the general criteria of significance and scientific excellence, and will publish:

- Original articles in basic and applied research

- Case studies

- Critical reviews, surveys, opinions, commentaries and essays

Our objective is to inform authors of the decision on their manuscripts within four weeks of submission. Following acceptance, a paper will normally be published in the next issue. Instructions for authors and other details are available on our website and prospective authors should send their manuscripts to (a provided email address).

It went on with another paragraph of basic jibberish, and concluded in welcoming me and my viable research documentation for cataloguing and publication.

It was signed by Emeje Cynthia, Editorial Assistant.

I did note that, while sent to me, it wasn't addressed specifically to me. It was sent out under the auspices of "undisclosed recipients". Just like a lot of the scam emails I get. And at the bottom of their home page (which also told how to submit papers), there was a notice about a fee required for publication of $550, which didn't guarantee publication. *TOING*

But this wasn't your average, every day scam email: no promised inheritance. No ATM cards. No warlords leaving their kids billions in TARP money that a foreigner needed to claim as a 'next of kin', so once it was paid back, the Fed could double tax it. No crashed planes or ox cart accidents wiping out whole families.

They just wanted my papers. Papers relating to basic and applied research, case studies, critical reviews, surveys, opinions, commentaries and essays.

So despite my hating being called a colleague by strangers, I decided to do what any good colleague I reckon would do: I sent them a paper. I dug into my archives, and provided them with the following on a subject which I researched thoroughly, and used with great effect in dealing with email scammers from the idyllic burgs of Vaduz, Liechtenstein:

To: JPAPR

From: U. R. Phulovit, pHd

Date: not lately, dammit

Subj: Crustacean Obedience Training In The 21st Century

Esteemed Colleagues,

I was flattered to the point of obfuscation at your laudatory solicitation for my papers. Being THE leading expert on the subject of crustacean obedience training, and senior feller at the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute (ICOTI) in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, I am more than happy to provide you with a precis of the extensive writings I have laboriously compiled these many studious years, and have you disseminate them for the benefit of whomsoever can find benefitianarianism therefrom.

The ICOTI has been THE pre-eminent leader in crustacean obedienceology since before the first TV ad for a Super Bowl, that featured lobsters stealing bottles of Budweiser (yes, that was one of our first successful students). Establishing the parameters of crustacean suspectibility to learning Three Stoogesesque pratfalls and slapstick, took many efforts and gallons of cocktail sauce, but today, ICOTI boasts of a graduation rate amongst trained crustaceans that exceeds 25%. Recidivism being what it is, we simply eat the drop-outs. But I digress.

Today, ICOTI not only provides crabs, lobsters and other mollusks for TV and movie opportunities; we provide trained crustaceans for a cornucrabia of tasks and professions, including but not limited to:

- military tasks (ie., minefield reclamation)

- construction (see enclosed photo)

- IT applications (from data entry to production of software and hardware)

- hospitality and entertainment (from the aforementioned TV ads, to cocktailing and happy hour hors d'oeuvres, for the aforereferenced recidivists)

And coming soon -- we project in time for the next Summer Olympics -- Liechtensteinian Crab teams for Ping Pong, Curling, synchronized table dance, and the 400 meter relay. We are even planning to branch out, and have in exploratory research at this time, a manatee rock 'n roll band we plan to roll out for American Idol in 2014*.

Our exhaustive records of success and ever-advancing improvements in technology will leave you astonished, as I'm sure this whole email paper will leave your vast audience of research-hungry site visitors.

Specifics on case studies and critiques are available upon your acceptance of this precis.

Having already once found me, you know where I am again to be so located. I eagerly anticipate your incredulous response.

I have the honor to be,

U. R. Phulovit, pHd

ICOTI

"Got crabs? We'll find something useful for 'em to do!"

I sent it to the submission email address I was provided with, and sat back, eagerly anticipating a new career in the publishing of called-for papers.

After two weeks, I got nuthin'. So on the off-chance that perhaps my paper had been mislaid or worse, I re-sent it. Still nothing. So a week later, I re-sent it again.

That did it: the next day, I got this reply:

Please stop sending this nonsense.

How rude. After all, they asked.

Seymour, stop *rolling* what I think are your eyes, and pass the cocktail sauce...

* if they'll quit electrocuting themselves by hooking up the amps while still in the water...dolts.