Thursday, January 28, 2010

Hey, They Wrote ME, First...

It isn't my fault they didn't like my response; THEY solicited ME. All I did was comply widda request.
If ya don' mean what you ask for...then don't ask for it.
There I wuz, mindin' my own bidness, when one day-off afternoon, I gets this email with the header, Call for Papers. It was sent to me by what claimed to be Journal of Public Administration and Policy Research.
Okay, what could they possibly want from me, you ask? Me ask that, too. Even my pet rock, Seymour, figured it was the email equivalent of a wrong number, and I shouldn't answer it, like I did that last one. In fauxGerman.
Here's what they had to say:
Dear Colleague (I always HATE it when they call me that, and I am protocol dysfunctionally not sure how to colleagueally respond),
The Journal of publich administration and policy research JPAPR) is a multidisciplnary peer-reviewed journal published that will be monthy by Academic journals (it gives a web address link) JPAPR is dedicated to increasing the depth of the subject across disciplines with the ulitmate aim of expanding knowledge on the subject. JPAPR will cover all areas of the subject. The journal welcomes the submission of manuscripts that meet the general criteria of significance and scientific excellence, and will publish:
- Original articles in basic and applied research
- Case studies
- Critical reviews, surveys, opinions, commentaries and essays
Our objective is to inform authors of the decision on their manuscripts within four weeks of submission. Following acceptance, a paper will normally be published in the next issue. Instructions for authors and other details are available on our website and prospective authors should send their manuscripts to (a provided email address).
It went on with another paragraph of basic jibberish, and concluded in welcoming me and my viable research documentation for cataloguing and publication.
It was signed by Emeje Cynthia, Editorial Assistant.
I did note that, while sent to me, it wasn't addressed specifically to me. It was sent out under the auspices of "undisclosed recipients". Just like a lot of the scam emails I get. And at the bottom of their home page (which also told how to submit papers), there was a notice about a fee required for publication of $550, which didn't guarantee publication. *TOING*
But this wasn't your average, every day scam email: no promised inheritance. No ATM cards. No warlords leaving their kids billions in TARP money that a foreigner needed to claim as a 'next of kin', so once it was paid back, the Fed could double tax it. No crashed planes or ox cart accidents wiping out whole families.
They just wanted my papers. Papers relating to basic and applied research, case studies, critical reviews, surveys, opinions, commentaries and essays.
So despite my hating being called a colleague by strangers, I decided to do what any good colleague I reckon would do: I sent them a paper. I dug into my archives, and provided them with the following on a subject which I researched thoroughly, and used with great effect in dealing with email scammers from the idyllic burgs of Vaduz, Liechtenstein:
From: U. R. Phulovit, pHd
Date: not lately, dammit
Subj: Crustacean Obedience Training In The 21st Century
Esteemed Colleagues,
I was flattered to the point of obfuscation at your laudatory solicitation for my papers. Being THE leading expert on the subject of crustacean obedience training, and senior feller at the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute (ICOTI) in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, I am more than happy to provide you with a precis of the extensive writings I have laboriously compiled these many studious years, and have you disseminate them for the benefit of whomsoever can find benefitianarianism therefrom.
The ICOTI has been THE pre-eminent leader in crustacean obedienceology since before the first TV ad for a Super Bowl, that featured lobsters stealing bottles of Budweiser (yes, that was one of our first successful students). Establishing the parameters of crustacean suspectibility to learning Three Stoogesesque pratfalls and slapstick, took many efforts and gallons of cocktail sauce, but today, ICOTI boasts of a graduation rate amongst trained crustaceans that exceeds 25%. Recidivism being what it is, we simply eat the drop-outs. But I digress.
Today, ICOTI not only provides crabs, lobsters and other mollusks for TV and movie opportunities; we provide trained crustaceans for a cornucrabia of tasks and professions, including but not limited to:
- military tasks (ie., minefield reclamation)
- construction (see enclosed photo)
- IT applications (from data entry to production of software and hardware)
- hospitality and entertainment (from the aforementioned TV ads, to cocktailing and happy hour hors d'oeuvres, for the aforereferenced recidivists)
And coming soon -- we project in time for the next Summer Olympics -- Liechtensteinian Crab teams for Ping Pong, Curling, synchronized table dance, and the 400 meter relay. We are even planning to branch out, and have in exploratory research at this time, a manatee rock 'n roll band we plan to roll out for American Idol in 2014*.
Our exhaustive records of success and ever-advancing improvements in technology will leave you astonished, as I'm sure this whole email paper will leave your vast audience of research-hungry site visitors.
Specifics on case studies and critiques are available upon your acceptance of this precis.
Having already once found me, you know where I am again to be so located. I eagerly anticipate your incredulous response.
I have the honor to be,
U. R. Phulovit, pHd
"Got crabs? We'll find something useful for 'em to do!"
I sent it to the submission email address I was provided with, and sat back, eagerly anticipating a new career in the publishing of called-for papers.
After two weeks, I got nuthin'. So on the off-chance that perhaps my paper had been mislaid or worse, I re-sent it. Still nothing. So a week later, I re-sent it again.
That did it: the next day, I got this reply:
Please stop sending this nonsense.
How rude. After all, they asked.
Seymour, stop *rolling* what I think are your eyes, and pass the cocktail sauce...
* if they'll quit electrocuting themselves by hooking up the amps while still in the water...dolts.

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Blogger slommler said...

ROFL!! Oh I am sorry! I shouldn't laugh at such scholarly papers but....I just couldn't help myself. "got crabs?" You totally nailed this one. I love it. And they wanted YOU to stop sending nonsense!! I am still laughing! Thanks!

28 January, 2010 03:26  
Blogger Andy said...

Nyuk! Skunks, I always get a charge out of your stuff. Oh man...seriously like slommler said...ROFL!

28 January, 2010 07:02  
Blogger Eva Gallant said...

I'm wiping away the tears, I laughed so hard! Wonderful!

28 January, 2010 07:17  
Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahaha. You are right...they asked. Bet they are sorry too. I think your nonsense was hilarious.

Have a terrific day. :)

28 January, 2010 08:06  
Blogger Jack K. said...

You are still at the top of your form. What wonderful nonsense, and to think it took three submissions to get them to complain. Damned ingrates.

I think you ought to discuss this next plan with Seymour, set up a schedule to resend your message every other day. Do it for a year. Who knows what will happen should you do so, most respected colleague.


28 January, 2010 08:07  
Blogger jenniferw said...

Recidivicism being what it is, we simply eat the drop-outs.

That there is a line for the ages but the word you're looking for, Skunky, is recidivism. All too common among scavenger critters. And as this is the second post today I've read about shrimp, I think I'm going to need a gallon of cocktail sauce ... heavy on the horseradish. Please tell Seymour.

Thanks for the belly laugh. I needed it. *wipes tears away*

28 January, 2010 11:45  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What an absolute hoot!!!! You rock, dude! (no, I'm not talking about Seymour)

28 January, 2010 23:01  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

Jennifer: I TOLD Seymour NOT to let the fiddler crab do the proof-reading on this piece!!! Error corrected. The fiddler crab was trained to do just that; fiddle. Instead of playing a segment from Beethoven's Fifth, he attempted to drink it...still can't walk (the icepack has him pinned to the floor...stupid crab).

29 January, 2010 04:16  
Blogger JMK said...

Yeah, their response was "rude," and I too would've been "flattered to the point of obfuscation" at such a request, even though I know nothing about training expertise lies in fudging global warming data....but Britain's CTU beat me to the payday.

29 January, 2010 07:48  
Blogger Debbie said...

Love that image you have. Creepy and intoxicating at the same time.

What is Seymore's college degree in? Psychology?


Right Truth

29 January, 2010 12:11  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

Debbie: I think Seymour said his college degree is in granitology, which he purchased via catalog. Somethin' like that. It's the same catalog, he says, that AlGore bought his AGW scam from...

29 January, 2010 13:21  
Blogger Susan said...

Belated Happy Birthday to you. The smoke from the candles has managed to drift over the rockies into BC today. Sending smoke signals?

29 January, 2010 18:53  
Blogger Paul Champagne said...

What a totally inane and jejune post

I loved it!!!

30 January, 2010 09:13  
Blogger She Writes said...

and I am protocol dysfunctionally not sure how to colleagueally respond).

Oh, but I think you are quite sure of how to respond!

Have a good weekend!

Thought I commented here a few seconds ago. But maybe scrolled down too far. Losing my mind minute by minute... ;)

30 January, 2010 14:25  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Who appointed them the world's only literary critiquer? I thought Phulovit made some sensible points.

02 February, 2010 15:36  
Blogger Nishant said...

, I always get a charge out of your stuff.

Work from home India

08 February, 2010 08:04  

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