ScamDog Millionaire

It began with a very basic, concise email from somewhere, Africa:

Plese, I am need of you help. Please to writ me for moor at (yahoo email account with a French ending).

This was on April 30.

Since then, over 120 emails have gone too and fro between the pictured (so she claims) Juliet Samuels -- a 24 year old orphan, who's Burkina Faso father left her over 15 million USD ensconsed in a restricted account in the Bank of Africa, Burkina Faso branch -- and her "hero", also pictured above.

Yep, that's right: Eric Cartman, from South Park, the Cartoon Channel animated series.

I did a little research on this Juliet Samuels, and found -- besides a Facebook account for a Juliet Samuels, from Nigeria, with pictures that didn't match the ones I'd received -- several listings of naughty, fraudulent activities, as well as photos of several different versions of Juliet Samuels, including the ones she'd sent me. She/he/it apparently tried and duped a few others in Europe, and possibly here, out of funds.

I was more than pleased to bring such a string of success to a screeching halt. Or let Eric do it on my behalf.

So between April 30 and July 24, Cartman (aka, yours truly) engaged Juliet and her cornudopia of handlers, and managed the following:

- to encounter, in the first week, a competing Juliet Samuels (with similar MO and geography), who I played off against the one above; when the one above told me to "ignoor the lieing c*** is fake", I simply knew I HAD to stick with Juliet #1. I've never had any scammer employ the "c word" against another, making this one worthy of playing out to the end.

- to get two different barristers/bannisters fired from the case, as Eric insisted he'd followed email instructions to a tee, and Western Onioned the payments to the respective persons, "only to have the monies intercepted and stolen by crooked associates of the bannisters, who then claim I didn't send the money, and demand more". Ms Juliet and her "guardian" in the Burkina Faso refugee camp -- Reverend Father Jude -- in both cases took Eric's side, and "fired" the bannisters. I took particular satisfaction with the latter one -- Gilbert Kastrow -- since he wrote and declared me "a lire" who he would "espose to my clint, Ms Samual", only to have me, after being told by Rev. Father Jude that Kastrow was "relieved" of his duties, write him back thus:

nyah nyah nyah nyah, ny-ah ny-ah,

you got f***ing fired, you got f***ing fired!

nyah nyah nyah nyah, ny-ah ny-ah!

The last thing I heard from Kastrow was all in caps, unintelligible, and in part unreprintable, except in all *****s.

- from helping Ms Juliet Samuels "came to your contry for new lif and educaton", to having her commit herself as "the futore Mrs Eric Cartman, sole help me God", I got myself yet another pledge of devotion and hot pig sex for life from another scammer.

- well okay, so she didn't really commit to hot pig sex. But the implication was there ;-)

- and after declaring to Rev. Father Jude that now that I am dealing with one so pious and gawd-fearin' as you, I have all the confidence that I've ever had in these dealings that the ends will justify the means employed herein. I thank you for that from the bottom of my colon. Rev. Father Jude replied in the spirit I hoped for: yor words are pleesing to me to give confident that we will bring a good conclude to my frend Juliet's dreams.

- he don' read me vewy well, do he?

Unfortunately, the string began to unwind after July 20, with the unsuccessful attempt of Valkyrie...er...oops, wrong epic...with the evermore insistent demand from Rev. Father Jude that Eric provide a "relable communicate number to commence to have a voice chat".

Eric's reply that dude, quit bustin' my balls about a phone call, m'kay? I got your wiring information right hyah, and soon as I sell my friend Kyle into sexual slavery, I'll have the money to send to bring my fair Juliet for some Girls Gone Wild videos, brought not only a more stringent demand for a phone call, it brought a sharp inquiry from herself, demanding to know from Eric what the video you speek of that you say me to be? i am not hapy to her you spek of me like that.

Did Eric want to try to stretch this out? If so, how would he answer that question?

He answered it in typical Cartmanese:

Babycakes, what, you think that when you come over here, it's all peaches and cream and a life of luxury on satin sheets? Before you and me can do the horizontal mambo, baby, you gotta show what it is you got, and marketing appeal to go widdit. I'm in the entertainment industry, honey, and you gotta fit in. And those Girls Gone Wild videos get you credibility, baby. Then, there's my situation to consider: I gotta be totally redrawn, so my 8 year old dink doesn't give you gnarly papercuts in a compromising groinicological area of your 'natomy, you catchin' my drift hyah?

This drew something of a incredulous rebuke from Rev. Father Jude:

Eric, what is this you say? I not Juliet are up to make what you meen with words here. Juliet is upset by you. Explan this soonest, and get the money sent to clear this queston.

They're upset, but not so upset as to forget to demand Eric send $500.

So Eric did, on one of those patented fake Western Union receipts, which Eric obligingly sent to Rev Father Jude, resized just enough to be fuzzy to read. This drew comment after the Rev's first effort to cash the receipt:

Eric Cartman, this recept you send is not good to read the western union coudnt not make out the informatons and not verify the payment. please to resend a better copy soonest.

Eric stayed in character hyah:

Rev, why're you breakin' my balls here? I'm 8! I sent you what I got, and I can read it fine, dude. But if it puts a flivver in your quivver, I'll send it again. I suggest you get better glasses.

And Eric re-sent it, with another stepdown in resolution. This went down badly in Burkina Fasoville:

Cartman, what is this you hand to me now? i cannot to read it and western union cannot to read it or verify. stop this now and verify the money is send soonest now!

And from my...er Eric's sweet Juliet:

Eric my love, please not to let me down so close to us happyiness! Coperate with Rev Father Jude to make the payment and I am to yours fourever.

But didn't Rev FJ tell me that Juliet was "upset by me"? Eh..whatever. Eric prefers staying in character:

What the f*** is the problem down there? Listen you two: do you want me to leave hyah to come thyah, to show you how to cash a simple Western Onion wire thing? You take it, you walk into Western Onion, you place it on the counter, you say "cash my Western Onion and respect my authoritah!", and wham, bam, thank ye Ma'am, you're paid. If an animated cartoon character can get it, why can't you?

Uh-oh...did Eric finally say something that triggered one of those internal *TOING*s in someone down thyah? I think he did. The email comes from Juliet's addy, but it isn't made clear who is actually writing:

Cartman,

what is this things you writ? explan what it is to mean animated cartoon character? certanly you dont make to jest me now? this serious busness to be done.

A *light bulb* finally is going off in Burkina Fasoville, I think. It's probably one of three working ones they have in their fly-infested Internet cafe. Eric suspects that we're near the end of the deal, so he decides to lay it out there for one last chance at comprehension:

Dudes, you are sooooooo friggin' inept! A child can cash a Western Onion receipt, simply by walking into WO and cashing it! I oughta know, 'cuz I'm a child! Been stuck at 8 years old for going on 14 seasons now, dammit! Missed puberty and all that, too. I oughta kick my creators right squarah in the balls for messin' with my dating life and drawing me over-developed everywhawh but whawh it counts. Damn this animation stuff! But I digress hyah.

Juliet, if you can't figure out how to cash a simple WO wire transfer, then I reckon you ain't up to makin' a Girls Gone Wild video to support me in a manure and lifestyle to which I am unaccustomed and undeserving of, but am more than willing to learn to adapt to. Why do I get all the dumb ones on hyah?

As for your Rev. Father Jude...Kyle, I'll bet that's really you tryin' to screw with me, isn't it? Isn't it? That's you, isn't it, Kyle? I'm coming over to Stan's and I'm gonna kick you squawh in the balls when I get over there! You hear me, Kyle?

I am pretty sure that most of that reply went over all the heads of the entire fly-infested Internet cafe down there in Burkina Fasoville; but not Juliet -- or whoever is posing as Juliet -- decided to go for what they consider will chill my bones....and I consider a trophy:

Email Title: just wait

may God hellp you becaus you will soon perish.

I guess they think that's supposed to scare an animated 8 year old.

Since I sent them back a page and a half of solid Bwhahahahahahahaha!, do you reckon they'll figure out that intimidation didn't work, either?

One thing I think's a dang fer sure: I don't think I made any fans of South Park here, do you?

;-)